Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

You are in Africa. You have been tied hanging on a tree
with a Rope anchored on the ground, a candle is slowly burning the rope, and the lion is waiting for you to drop and be his lunch.
Your survival hinges on the rope staying intact, there is no one around to help you.

The only possible way is to somehow convince the lion to BLOW the candle out. How do you do that?..................

2006-12-03 01:34:43 · 7 answers · asked by ☺•˚ºo(█?) 2

Snoring Roomate

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

2006-12-03 01:32:04 · 13 answers · asked by Pinky 5

Farmer Brown goes out one bay and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says: "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says: "You can't handle all these chickens, look what it did to me!" The young rooster replies: "Now don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young take over, so take a hike!" The old rooster says: "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster snarls: "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster: "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farm house with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop." The young rooster smiles: "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start." The two roosters line up in back of...

2006-12-03 01:31:20 · 8 answers · asked by Shorty 4

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully
deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes...

2006-12-03 01:24:54 · 8 answers · asked by Shorty 4

Pre-school children were asked the following question:

"In which direction is the bus pictured below traveling?"


_______
(..o...o...o..)
(_______ )
...O.........O........


Look carefully at the picture.
Do you know the answer?
The only possible answers are "left" and "right."
Think about it
The picture is terrible..i know...
But this is the best i can do here...
But remember the image of the bus is perfectly symmetric,both the half from the middle (Right to left)

2006-12-03 01:17:55 · 11 answers · asked by ☺•˚ºo(█?) 2

2006-12-03 01:15:27 · 42 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Polish man moved to the U.S. and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked if he could have a divorce arranged.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Q: Have you any grounds?
A: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

Q: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
A: It made of concrete.

Q: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real
grudge?
A: No, we have car-port so we not need one.

Q: I mean. What are your relations like?
A: All my relations still in Poland

Q: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
A: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Q: Does your wife beat you up?
A: No, I always up before her.

Q: Is your wife a ******?
A: No, she white.

Q: Why do you want this divorce?
A: She going to kill me.

Q: What makes you think that?
A: I got proof.

Q: What kind of proof?
A: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on
shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
POLISH REMOVER

2006-12-03 01:14:55 · 15 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

2006-12-03 01:13:17 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A flat-chested woman was delighted when her Fairy Godmother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man said, "Pardon," to her.
She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven! She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "hundreds of pardons for my clumsy behavior."
The next day the headline in the local newspaper said, "Chinese Waiter Crushed by Two Torpedoes!"

2006-12-03 01:09:44 · 26 answers · asked by Pd 6

Seems there were three friends who always wanted to play golf on a Saturday afternoon, but couldn't, because of their wives. One day, after many years, they finally get together on the golf course and are waiting at the first tee, when the first guy says, "I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!"
The second guy says, "That's nothing. I had to buy my wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!"

The third guy says, "Boy you guys are sure whipped. I didn't have to buy my wife anything!!!"
They both look at him and ask, "How did you manage that?" He says, "It was easy. When I got up this morning, I looked her straight in the eye and said, 'Golf course or intercourse,' and she threw me a sweater and said, 'Take this. It's cold out there!'"

2006-12-03 00:46:53 · 37 answers · asked by Pd 6

Please also tell me the explanation of weight . Just before answering , please think why I have categorised this in the Jokes & riddles column .

2006-12-03 00:38:22 · 20 answers · asked by Nature's fall 2

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.



Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?



[Give this some thought before you answer...]

2006-12-03 00:38:10 · 17 answers · asked by ☺•˚ºo(█?) 2

Elton John was found dead this morning with chocolate around his @rse hole



Apparentley George Michael had been careless with his whisper

2006-12-03 00:31:59 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his
wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you
firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought
herself better
and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the
breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could
get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and
grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she
said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of
the postman, the gardener, the poolman . . . and your brother!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2006-12-03 00:23:35 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three Sardarjis went for a tour to Singapore . They searched for rooms everywhere and finally got one which is in the topmost floor of a 100 floor hotel. After taking rest they started for a local visit. While leaving the hotel the manager informed them that they should reach the hotel before 10.00pm or other wise lift will not be available and they have to take the steps. They agreed and went out.

After all the entertainment in the city, they reached back late at 10.30 . Since lift is not available they decided to take the stairways, under the condition that each sardarji has to tell a story that has to last for 33 floors so that they can reach the 100th floor without much trouble. After first sardarji finished his story in 33rd floor, the third sardarji said," I have a sad story to say, but i will tell at the end only". Then second sardarji finished his story and the third finished his story and finally they reached the 100th floor. Then first sardarji asked what was the sad story. The third one said, " I forgot the room key on the manager's table".

They once again started back to the first floor and this time the second sardarji after crossing 33 floors from top said," I got a sad story, but I will also say that at the end". They finally reached the first floor and when asked about the sad story, the second sardarji said, " The keys are in my pocket only".

With anger and full tired, they once again start from the first floor. After reaching the 33rd floor, the third sardarji said, " I too have a sad story, but I will say at the end only". Then they reached the 100th floor and the second one asked the third sardarji about the sad story, he replied:

2006-12-03 00:01:40 · 19 answers · asked by stone 4

5 peoples are travelling in a bus. out of them 2 gents and 2 ladies, and 1 child. The bus stopped in a place, where they have to reach. when they got down, they found out one is missing who is that?

2006-12-02 23:59:02 · 13 answers · asked by krlional_robin 2

i mean, if it's 3.15 min, i get to watch only 1 sec. wht's wrong? wht can i do?

2006-12-02 23:58:46 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

This made me laugh..

There was a koala bear who was approached by a prostitute one day. He had never been with a prostitute before. Curious and excited, Koala spent the night with her and had a GREAT time......

The next morning, he went down on her one last time before departing. After he was done, Koala headed for the door and was about to leave when the prostitute yelled, "hey........what about my money?"

Confused, the Koala turned around, gave her a puzzled look, shrugging his shoulders, and replied "Huh?"

"Come here....." she said and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to the word "prostitute" and its definition: "has sex and gets paid."

Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word Koala and showed her its definition: "eats bush and leaves."

2006-12-02 23:57:06 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Patel family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead


mother> arrived from the US. It was sent by one of the daughters. The

dead body> was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space

left in it when> they opened the lid; they found a letter on top


addressed to her brothers> and sisters:





Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Mohan and Varsa,



I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be

cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT. Sorry, I

could

not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed. You will find inside


the

coffin, under Ba's body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobler


chocolates

and 8 packets of Badam. Please divide these among all of you. On Ba's

feet

you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are


also

2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are

correct.



Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan. Just

distribute the rest among yourselves. The 2 new Jeans that Ba's is


wearing

are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left

wrist.

Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you

asked

for. Please take them off her.




The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my

nephews. Please distribute all these fairly.



Love Smita



PS: And if anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also


not feeling too well nowadays...

2006-12-02 23:55:48 · 9 answers · asked by stone 4

CALL 411 to get the number

2006-12-02 23:45:45 · 8 answers · asked by katlady927 6

You are in a room and you are to give your verdict on a question!
There are 3 monkeys in the room. One Operates a TV remot, one operates a CD player, one listens music and enjoys TV.
Which primate in the room is the smartest?

2006-12-02 23:31:14 · 16 answers · asked by ☺•˚ºo(█?) 2

For Sale, one wife with 48 years on the clock, good little runner, bodywork needs attention, repainted 7.30 this morning, upholstery not bad, slight rattling sound at high speed, water system leaking slightly (easily plugged), runs sweet as a nut on gin and tonic when rattling seems to stop, large boot, serviced regularly, only one owner, name your price, will consider p/x for earlier model with good MOT !!!

2006-12-02 23:14:01 · 18 answers · asked by Shredder 6

lol, I like this one..

Alex sets up his friend Bob to go on a blind date with his cousin.

Bob is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Bob, "I'll be with her all night."

"Don't worry," Alex says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake a heart attack."

That night Bob knocks at the girl's door. When she comes out he is awe-struck at how hot and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly grabs for her chest and lets out a loud ... "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

2006-12-02 22:50:27 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

to the pub and I said to the wife "get your coat love" Oooh she said why what's happening?. I said "I'm off for a pint and I'm turning the fire off" !!!!!!!

2006-12-02 22:49:37 · 11 answers · asked by Shredder 6

share with us your most racey version of the aristocrats...lets try to beat bob sagets version ahahahaha

2006-12-02 22:26:53 · 2 answers · asked by nico_soul1 3

"Top Ten Reasons Kevin Federline is Leaving Britney Spears:"

10. Only paid him for one round of sperm donation, not two

9. Hopes she won't find out about his meth-fueled forbidden love with evangelist Ted Haggard

8. Angelina Jolie won't stop calling

7. Even he is sick of his own rapping

6. The way she nags him when he comes home a little late from happy hour on a Friday night after a hard week of backup dancing

5. Thinks he can do better

4. Her cooking is so bad, he had to buy her an oven that flushes

3. Couldn't stay married to a woman who lives in a country where the Democrats have control of the House and Senate

2. She's refusing to upgrade the stereo in his Ferrari from cassette to CD

And the number one reason Kevin Federline is leaving Britney Spears...

1. He misses Shar and the kids

2006-12-02 22:20:57 · 6 answers · asked by katlady927 6

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are
facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her
false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife
Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over
the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier
briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped"

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will
need all the support she can get. It's not like it’s easy to walk out on a
relationship like this"

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider
going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her
Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the
marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an
agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand
on.

Rumours abound over the split, which have suggested that infidelity may have
been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her
leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause.
"Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at
night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that
Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for
Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm
f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try Paul
McCartney"

Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:
I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river

So lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now that she has left
him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.

2006-12-02 22:20:57 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

JUSTICE
A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated
their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared
and said that because they had been such a loving couple all
those years, she would give them each one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved
her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it
was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly,
"Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The
fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.

2006-12-02 21:51:47 · 14 answers · asked by katlady927 6

2006-12-02 21:48:27 · 8 answers · asked by bahar_v1994 2

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

2006-12-02 21:43:30 · 22 answers · asked by anitha 4