Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

Why does a fatman carry 2 watches? Because he's in 2 time zones!

2006-12-02 21:39:10 · 9 answers · asked by Marin S 2

How do You know when You're fat? When You're lying on the beach and the Greenpeace come to take You back to the sea!

2006-12-02 21:37:32 · 11 answers · asked by Marin S 2

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year school children, using a bowl of fruit Polo's.
He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and
asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say: "Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon," "Green..........lime,"
"Orange........orange."
Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos.
After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:
"Oh My God!!!! ..........................They're ****-holes!!"

2006-12-02 21:24:17 · 15 answers · asked by Pickles 2

A woman with a baby in her arms was screaming from a third floor window.
The crowd below shouted, "Throw the baby down and we'll catch it!!"
The woman replied, "NO! It'll be killed!"
At that moment, out of the crowd stepped O'Reilly.
He shouted up to her, "I'm the Irish goalie, and I've never dropped a ball yet. Throw the baby down and I'll catch it!"
The woman trusted him, and dropped the baby towards him. Just then, a gust of wind blew the baby to one side. O'Reilly dived and caught the baby.
The crowd cheered wildly.
O'Reilly bounced the baby three times and kicked it over the roof.

2006-12-02 21:23:51 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Kathleen Murphy was standing vigil over her husband's death bed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Kathleen, " he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh, don't talk." But he was insistent. "Kathleen," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kathleen. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Patrick, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

2006-12-02 21:05:58 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

On the farm lived a chicken and a donkey, both of whom loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing when the donkey fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee hawed' for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off went the chicken running back to the farm as fast as he could
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer but to no avail; he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new silver porsche boxter . Finding the keys in the ignition the chicken started the
beautiful motor car and sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the donkey was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny boxter. He managed to get a hold of the
loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to
the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the donkey!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the boxter back to the farmhouse; the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

Some time had passed when would you believe it?, the chicken fell into the mud pit.
Soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the donkey to save his life!
The donkey thought for a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the donkey pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a porsche boxter to pull the chicks.

2006-12-02 21:02:13 · 15 answers · asked by Pickles 2

What is greater than god, more evil than the devil, homeless people have it and rich people want it? get it right for 10 points. Guess again?

2006-12-02 20:53:51 · 12 answers · asked by chadge82 4

I was doing garden work this weekend and my wife was about to take a
shower.
I realised that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?" I pointed to my eye,
then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
My wife replied that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then
she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?
She replies,




Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush"

2006-12-02 20:50:14 · 9 answers · asked by Pickles 2

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He
immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says,
"I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly
and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass.

Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

2006-12-02 20:42:16 · 17 answers · asked by Pickles 2

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired"
The guy is amazed and he goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
$10 the guy says
"$10" the guy says "Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****"

2006-12-02 20:35:13 · 5 answers · asked by texasblueslady 3

Sorry this is too funny but had to put it in 2 parts.

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house. "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and see a Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks "Yep." the Lab replies "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was on of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
"But the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decied to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

2006-12-02 20:32:37 · 3 answers · asked by texasblueslady 3

Bob calls in to his job:
"Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."






The boss says:
"You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and then I can go to work. You should try that."


2 hours later Bob calls:
"Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you have a very nice house."

2006-12-02 20:32:33 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow.....

2006-12-02 20:27:20 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk:
"Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thiickk?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg offffff!!"

2006-12-02 20:18:57 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three woman-one german, one japanese and a hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The german pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questioningly.
"That was my pager" she said "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm".
A few minutes later. A phone rang. The japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The hillbilly woman finally said: "Well, will you look at that that....I'm getting a fax."

2006-12-02 20:18:38 · 14 answers · asked by texasblueslady 3

My private part died today

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences .

The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when h e met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walkin g down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

2006-12-02 20:03:53 · 12 answers · asked by texasblueslady 3

After thinking for a while he says that he wants two crates of bear and the best woman in the world. The fairy agrees and after sometime he gets his 2 crates of bear and Mother Teresa.

2006-12-02 20:01:52 · 22 answers · asked by Mikhil M 2

2006-12-02 19:55:05 · 10 answers · asked by primordial_primate45 2

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a new face-lift. Of course the woman wanted "The Knob".
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant. After 15 yrs she returned to the plastic surgeon with 2 problems. All these yrs everyting has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed 2 annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the the knob won't get rid of them.
The doctor looked closely and said: "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts,"
The woman said: "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

2006-12-02 19:54:44 · 13 answers · asked by texasblueslady 3

This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside. The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?" The guy says, "Yea, he licks pu$_$y." So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all. the blond says, "Well? what's up?" The frog still does not move. So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

2006-12-02 19:46:22 · 25 answers · asked by GS 3

Apparently you told Santa you have been good this year.........................................................................

he died laughing.

2006-12-02 19:43:59 · 9 answers · asked by ? 6

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.

2006-12-02 19:24:42 · 22 answers · asked by GS 3

hello
this is farhan.i hanv a problem in my neck. and also in my sound what should for it.

2006-12-02 19:08:30 · 10 answers · asked by salmankhalil007 1

A boy comes home from school with some homework. Its to ask all of his family members what their favourite word is. So he goes to his sister and she says "Damn". Goes to his dad and says "Vroom Vroom". Goes to his Mum and says "Chugga Chugga Big Red Car". Then last he goes to his uncle and he says"Nanananana Batman". Then the next day he goes to school. He says "Damn".His teacher says "Do you want to go to the Principal?". The boy says"Vroom Vroom" .His teacher then sends him to the principals office. The Principal says "Who do you think you are?" The Boy said "Nananananananana Batman". Then the Principal said "Yeah, and how are you gonna get out of this situation?" The Boy then says "Chugga Chugga Big Red Car"

2006-12-02 19:06:29 · 6 answers · asked by corporal33t 1

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another
wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

2006-12-02 19:05:19 · 6 answers · asked by anitha 4

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.

"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
Husband: "Guess whom?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

2006-12-02 18:59:29 · 25 answers · asked by GS 3

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

2006-12-02 18:57:18 · 20 answers · asked by GS 3

A riddle i recieved on email. What is greater than God, more evil than the devil, the poor have it, the rich need it and if you eat it you will die?

2006-12-02 18:51:00 · 9 answers · asked by kady k 1

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."

They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.

2006-12-02 18:50:10 · 15 answers · asked by GS 3

10 Points...

In which sport are shoes made entirely of metal?

2006-12-02 18:49:50 · 3 answers · asked by MsElainious 4