Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

Angelina and Giuseppi were standing before the judge in divorce court.

Angelina says: "Your honor, we benna marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he'always pickna his nose ana when we maka love he's a never letsa me on top. I just canna taka dis anymore."

The judge listens solemnly then addresses Giuseppi. "Giuseppi, isa dis true.You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top? What you gotta say fora yourself?"

Giuseppi says, "Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be on da bottom. Itsa all go'sa back to when I'ma young boy. My poppa, he'sa very smarta man. I always follow ev'ryting he say. My poppa one day he says, Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life. Number one, you always keepa your nose clean. Ana number two, never screw up.

2006-12-03 03:54:51 · 14 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, had never seen Sally looking so sad.

Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?"

Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man."

Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

"Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that. I went in the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

"So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Liz.

Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

2006-12-03 03:53:23 · 7 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!

One day the wife of one of the Tribe`s noblemen, gives birth to a white baby. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.
"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Even Stevie Wonder could see what`s been going on!"
The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don`t say anything about the sheep, I won`t say anything about the white baby."

2006-12-03 03:52:32 · 9 answers · asked by toppopsy 3

Miss Bee was in her 80s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of the organ, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his
shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!

Surely Miss Bee had flipped . . . or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bee," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
"Oh yes," she replied. "Isn't that wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter."

2006-12-03 03:51:39 · 24 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

A bear and a rabbit were in the forest taking a ****. The bear then looks over at the rabbit and says, "Do you ever have a problem with **** sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit said,"No I don't."

The bear then picked up the rabbit and wiped his ***!

2006-12-03 03:48:37 · 12 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

A woman was at home looking in the mirror carressing her breasts when her husband came home from work.
He said what are you doing fondling your breasts like that?
She replied I went to the dr. today and he said i have breasts of a 25 yr old.
The husband said what did he say about your 50 yr old ***?
She said oh we didnt talk about you at all.

2006-12-03 03:46:38 · 8 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

It is something that you can't wear anywhere?
even on road alone..
what is it?

2006-12-03 03:45:09 · 10 answers · asked by anna 2

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding, she tells each one of them to write back about their marriage life.

And the first one gets married....

The second day the letter arrives with a single message ... simply: "Maxwell House Coffee!"

Mother got confused and finally noticed a Maxwell House ad: "Satisfaction to the last drop...". So, Mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. Only after a week was there a message that reads; "Rothmans". So the Mother looks into the Rothmans ad, and it says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother is again happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. Finally, after 4 weeks came the message; "BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother looks into the BA ad, but fainted, "TWO TIMES A DAY, FOUR TIMES A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

2006-12-03 03:42:20 · 9 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

Three students go into a shop to buy a television.
The TV cost £30
The shop manager says to his assistant"they are only students here's £5 just charge them £25"
But the assistant puts £2 in his pocket, and tells the students that it is reduced by £3
Each student pays £9
the assistant pockets £2
what happened to the other pound.?

Beam me up Scotty I 'm confusing myself

2006-12-03 03:40:42 · 9 answers · asked by mickeok 1

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam.
It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited.
"Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George.
"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam.
"Okay, I can do that." George answered.
Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions.
"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle" said Sam.
"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.
"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?" said Sam.
"Sure" says George.
Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other.
George is pretty excited, but he remember's Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say - "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, Sorry Sam, thank you ma'am."

2006-12-03 03:39:50 · 3 answers · asked by toppopsy 3

2006-12-03 03:32:41 · 2 answers · asked by Jyler 1

2006-12-03 03:30:37 · 14 answers · asked by STEVE1984 1

2006-12-03 03:29:40 · 5 answers · asked by STEVE1984 1

A farmer buys several sheeps, hoping to breed them. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheeps are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn`t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the sheeps are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheeps. So he loads the sheeps into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all. Then he brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheeps. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn`t take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, does each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheeps still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself,and proceeds to load them up and drives them out to the woods. He spends all day with the sheeps and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheeps. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheeps are laying in the mud.
"No," she says, "they`re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

2006-12-03 03:28:27 · 1 answers · asked by toppopsy 3

1. I prefer breasts to legs.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning

2006-12-03 03:19:00 · 9 answers · asked by Witchywoo 4

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant

arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only

way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They

had been at each other's throats for some time and felt

that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor

jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?"
The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the

wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor

went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed

her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back

down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in

disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to

the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a

week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied...
"I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

2006-12-03 03:13:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

So this lady goes to her doctor and explains that her

husband can't get it up like he used to and their sex life is

suffering. The doctor asks, "Have you heard of a new drug

named Zyban?" The lady says yes, but adds that her

husband refuses to take pills of any kind, and certainyl

won't take anything that "will make him feel like less of a

man." The doctor advises the woman to slip it into his

morning coffee when he isn't looking. The woman is

nervous, but the doctor insists, "it will cange your life

within a day," os she figures she'd better try it.

A week goes by and the lady shows back up at the

doctor's office and the doctor asks her how it went. The

lady heaves a tremedous sigh and explains, "I snuck it

into his coffee like you said. And, sure enough, within 15

minutes, he cleared off the table, threw me on it and we

had the best sex we'd had in 20 years." Perplexed, the

doctor asks, "What's wrong with that?" And the lady

schakes her head and says, "I don't think i'll be able to

show my face at McDonalds again."

2006-12-03 03:12:22 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 18-yo boy sat on a bench. He had just got his hair dyed - green, brown and blue colours. An old man arrived and sat beside him and gazed at him. Being annoyed and angry, the boy said. "Hey old man ..why are you gazing at me. Have you ever done such wild thing in your life??? Then the old man replied. Yes I did once. I had sex with a --------------- 20years ago and I never though she had a son which I see now.

2006-12-03 02:56:11 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-03 02:40:19 · 17 answers · asked by Peta-Gay B 1

Montague Wallace was an old man living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences." The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas. But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, " I told you yesterday t hat my Private Part died . "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
















"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing." --

2006-12-03 02:38:45 · 3 answers · asked by pedohunter1488 4

2006-12-03 02:37:28 · 17 answers · asked by STEVE1984 1

After i ate them She said she couldnt eat them because of her false teeth,i asked why she bought them and she said she liked to suck the chocolate of the outside.... yuck arrrr nooooo pla

2006-12-03 02:31:54 · 15 answers · asked by dope 1

What do you think of this male version of Hedda Hooper? (She was a Hollywood gossip columnist in the old days who wore funny hats.)

2006-12-03 02:29:26 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok, this is only a joke. This is my scenario :

You are participating in an 800 m race. You are in the 1st postion till now. But near the end, your pants fall off. Would you stop and pull up your pants and lose the race or would you continue racing in your underwear(if you are wearing one) in front of everyone and win the race? I am the searching for the funniest answer.

2006-12-03 02:28:25 · 3 answers · asked by Anshu 1

2006-12-03 02:28:15 · 3 answers · asked by dawn p 1

2006-12-03 02:15:29 · 9 answers · asked by Ashley. 3

2006-12-03 02:13:39 · 15 answers · asked by dawn p 1

If you love someone ... u can arrange this 12 letters into 3 words.....

S R N I G T I A F E A R

2006-12-03 02:10:07 · 5 answers · asked by rahul_bloriann 1

do you hear ..what i hear..

2006-12-03 01:59:26 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times

2006-12-03 01:58:28 · 15 answers · asked by eeyoree rocks2003 7