Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

2006-12-03 09:01:41 · 8 answers · asked by yic4e 1

2006-12-03 08:55:18 · 11 answers · asked by yic4e 1

2 snowmen in a field. 1 says to the other, "Can you smell carrots?"

On his 1st day at his new job at the local zoo Albert is trying very hard to make a good impression. The boss says "Albert. your 1st task is to feed the fish but be careful as they are very valuable". Albert goes to the fish tank and accidently pours pesticide into the tank killing some of the fish. In a panic he decides to get rid of the evidence, spots the lions and feeds them the dead fish.
His next task is to feed the chimpanzees. Again he manages to kill 2 of the chimpanzees and feeds them to the lions to hide his mishap.
His next task is to clean out the bee hives yet again he manages to tread on a few bees, killing them. So yet again he feeds them to the lions.
The next day a new lion arrives in the lion enclosure and says "It looks ok here. What's the food like?"
The head lion replies, "Bloody great. Why last night we had fish, chimps and mushy bees.

2006-12-03 08:53:33 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

2006-12-03 08:48:21 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-03 08:46:55 · 14 answers · asked by yic4e 1

This was said last night at a christmas party.......

1st Bloke walks over to the bar, another guy said your round


1st bloke replied

"well most people call it fat but thanks for being so polite"


I was laughing all evening over this one it might be cause i was a bit p issed, wot do u think ???

2006-12-03 08:45:30 · 15 answers · asked by xXx Orange Breezer xXx 5

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under

2006-12-03 08:45:12 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Title To This One Is "Oho! Not fallin' for that one?"

The Riddle Is:
"oh ALRIGHT then you win"

2006-12-03 08:44:46 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady goes on vacation alone to Papua New Guinea, wishing her husband had been able to join her.

Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?"

"I can't tell you!" the black man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her.


On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"

"I can't because you will make fun of me!" the black man says.

"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.

"Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says,. . . "I knew you would make fun of it."



The lady replied, "Its my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had ... 8 inches of Snow every day in Papua New Guinea."

2006-12-03 08:38:26 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple bought themselves a squirrel pet. One night they went out
for dinner and locked the squirrel in the closet.
Later that night a thief broke into their house. The thief was in
the process of stealing the couple's valuables when he heard the couple's
car arriving home. The thief then immediately hid in the closet. The
owners came into the house, and went straight to bed. But in the
middle of the night they were awoken by a scream. The husband opened
the closet to see the thief squirming on the floor. The husband
immediately bound the thief tightly with some rope and asked what made
him holler so loud. The thief replied in pain, "When your *******
squirrel took my *** for a hollow in a tree -I held out. When it took
my balls for nuts- I gritted my teeth, but when it decided to carry
the nuts into the hollow I cracked up."

2006-12-03 08:34:27 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing home residents.

They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her Husband had come to the nursing home.

The other woman said that her sex life was great!

"The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"

Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!"

When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.

2006-12-03 08:21:02 · 20 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...

Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?

The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!

He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"

The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.

2006-12-03 08:18:34 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

if so erm just say yeh or nay??

2006-12-03 08:18:22 · 11 answers · asked by no 1

Butterflies taste with their feet.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

On average people fear spiders mor ethan they do death.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs, but not downstairs.

Woman blind nearly twice as much as men.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language ryhmes with "Month".

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left handed.

A crocadile cannot stick its tongue out.

"Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

George Bush got arrested for under age smoking and drinking when he was in middle school.

Hawaii is moving toward Japan 4 inches every year.

3000 people under the age of 18 start smoking every day.

100% of lottery winners gain weight.

2006-12-03 08:18:10 · 6 answers · asked by LoL-I-Know-You-Luv-My-Avatar 1

Girls how would you prefer it:

Being sawn in half by a man or you sawing the man in half?
(men can answer this)

2006-12-03 08:14:55 · 11 answers · asked by jon h 6

A blonde and a brunette own a dairy farm and decide to buy a bull so they can increase their breeding stock. They only have £1000 so they decide the brunette should go to buy the bull and the blonde will come and pick it up when the sale is done. The brunette buys a real stud bull for £999 and goes into the post office to send a telegram to tell the blonde to come and pick up her and the bull. The post master tells her it's £1 per word so the brunette thinks very hard and says send the word "comfortable". The postmaster asks how in hell she'll know that means to come and pick her up. The brunette replies "She's blonde. She reads very slowly".
I used to work in a pet shop but got sacked cos i kept putting my hand in the trill.

2006-12-03 08:09:39 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who else loves the Italian Christmas Donkey?

http://guineatees.com

2006-12-03 08:07:53 · 7 answers · asked by http://fuelthearmy.com 1

He sits there reading the newspaper and she looks at him in her dressing gown and says'''' dearest you know this year we will be married 35 years. ''Yes dear the husband replies. Then she says '' Ya know dear my nipples are as hot for you today as they were all those years ago. The husband looks over the top of the newspaper and say's '' Im not supprised one of them is in your coffee and the other is in your porridge..

2006-12-03 08:07:12 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

"am i black with white stripes or white with black stripes".
The other sez "well i dont know, you should ask God"
So that night he did and God said " you are what you are"
The next day he said to the other" i still dont understand he said " you are what you are"
The second zebra responds
" you must be white with black stripes or God wudda said"

"Yo is what yo is"

2006-12-03 08:01:53 · 15 answers · asked by chris w. 7

2 blondes pick up a perfume sample from the counter, jessie (blonde 1) sprays it on her wrist " thats nice isnt it , dont you think tracy?"
" yeah whats it called then jessie?"
jessie replies " vien a moi"
whats that mean then jessie?" asks tracy (blonde 2)

the shop assistant interupts " its french for come to me "
tracy has another sniff and looks puzzled and says
" it doesnt smell like come to me, does it to jessie ?"

2006-12-03 08:01:39 · 16 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2006-12-03 07:58:05 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-03 07:51:18 · 0 answers · asked by Anonymous

1:cant leave the snake alone with any animal
2:you and 1 animal can fit in the boat
3:are you smart

2006-12-03 07:44:46 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

The next day, the man returns.

MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.

CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

2006-12-03 07:44:24 · 19 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

http://www.pappywishbone.com/Pappys-Beer-Belt/

I think it's hilarious but my fiance thinks it's stupid... I don't see how, I mean c'mon!! It's a belt that carries your beer, what's cooler than that!?! Please tell me what you guys think so I can prove to my significant other that they are wrong!! :)

P.S. By the way, we'll be giving this to my father-in-law, he likes to drink beer while fishing!

2006-12-03 07:41:45 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Know this one?

The guy that brings a glass of water and 2 aspirins to his girlfriend in the bed at night just before going to sleep... he says: "here it is..." she replies that she doesn't have headache right now, so no need for aspirins.

So the guys says: "Ha! Ha! that was what I wanted to hear from you!"

2006-12-03 07:38:48 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

i have just been thrown out of B&Q'S you know the D.I.Y. place.
some pratt in orange overalls came up to me and said ''do you want decking''
so i got the first punch in

2006-12-03 07:34:19 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-03 07:32:38 · 19 answers · asked by LoL-I-Know-You-Luv-My-Avatar 1

on to a single rope that was suspended from a helicopter which was bringing them all to safety. 10 were men and one was a woman.
They all decided that someone would have to let go as the rope was breaking and they would all die.
No one could decide who it would be, finally the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others because woman were used to giving things up for their husbands and children.

All of the men started clapping.

2006-12-03 07:29:26 · 20 answers · asked by chris w. 7

Youngest son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference
between
'Potentially' and 'Reality'?"

Dad: "I will show you"

Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep
with Robert Redford
for 1 million dollars?"

Wife: "Yes of course, I would never waste such an
opportunity!"

Then Dad asks his daughter if she would sleep with
Brad Pitt
for 1 million dollars.

Daughter: "Wow! Oh my God!!! This is my fantasy!"

So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would
you sleep with
Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars?"

Elder Son: "Huh, Yeah , why not?. Imagine what I
could do with 1
million dollars! I would never hesitate!"

So the father turns back to his youngest son saying:
"You see son,
'Potentially' we are sitting on 3 million dollars;
but 'In reality' we
are living with 2 sluts and a poofter!!"

2006-12-03 07:28:29 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous