Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

Who was driving.Two peaple was was doing there hair one was singing with there eyes clozed and the another was holding a mirror picking at his teeth.who was driving?

2006-12-03 06:01:29 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

the chicken and the egg were laying in bed one night and the chicken was smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg was frowning and looking slightly annoyed.


the egg mutters...well i guess that answers the riddle................

2006-12-03 05:59:12 · 16 answers · asked by chris w. 7

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch p--is, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright? In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?" The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me.

I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch p--is, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown.

" The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'.

2006-12-03 05:55:12 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's this young couple, Louise and Al, they've been married
for about a year, and the bride isn't getting any sex. Just
about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets changed
and goes down to the pub. She's getting increasingly horny as
the days go on, but each night she is disappointed.

Al comes home every night completely hammered and unfit for
sexual activity. One particular night when Al gets in from work,
Louise is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the
skimpiest dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy
lace panties and bra.

As is always the case, Al comes home, runs upstairs, gets ready
and goes to the pub. Once again Louise is rejected, so she sits
back with a bottle of wine to console herself. Then at 11 pm
(well before normal) she hears Al coming up the driveway and
opening the front door. Louise re-adopts her sexually
provocative pose on the sofa and to her surprise, Al's first
words are, "Right woman, get upstairs - into the bedroom."

"YES!" she says under her breath as she runs upstairs, "This is
the night I'm gonna get some!"

When Louise reaches the bedroom, she removes her outer garments
and sits on the edge of the bed in her black lace panties -
ready for Al, as he stomps up the stairs. As Al pushes the
bedroom door open he says, "Right, now get your clothes off!"

Louise doesn't need telling twice, it's off with everything.
"Now get over in front of the mirror..,"

"Kinky!" she thinks. "Great!"

"and do a handstand..."

"Oh god, I've been waiting for this for ages," thinks Louise...

Al walks over to Louise, parts her legs and places his chin in her crotch... "Perhaps the guys at the bar were right, a beard would suit me!"

2006-12-03 05:49:09 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Assuming that you are a nice person, and assuming that you have young children. Let’s say your children have been begging you to get them a pet for the festive season. So one day you set out to go to the pet shop. On your way, you couldn’t help checking the RSPCA as well. You find a parrot there; trouble is that this parrot utters the filthiest swear words you ever heard. Fed up trying to find an owner, they tell you that if they don’t find an owner soon, they will have to put it to sleep. What will you do -

a) Bring the bird home and face the music.

b) Leave the parrot and go buy a puppy from the pet shop. Feel a bit guilty, and responsible for the poor parrot; or

c) Get the parrot. Send it to your mother-in-law. She could use some company. Then go to the pet shop and buy a suitable pet for your kids.

2006-12-03 05:43:35 · 19 answers · asked by netwalker01 3

I've no bloody f@#king eye dear!

2006-12-03 05:40:55 · 14 answers · asked by shilo 2

This made me laugh..

Two friends are riding into town when they decide they need to take a pee.

While they are peeing, a rattlesnake springs up and bites one of them on his penis. The other cowboy quickly draws his gun and kills the snake.

He then looks at his friend laying on the ground in pain and says, "Don't move, I'll ride into town and ask the doctor what we should do."

He rides off into town, finds the doctor and tells him what happened. The doctor tells him the only way to save the man is to make a little cut where the snake bit him and suck out the poisin.

He rides back.

His friend asks, "What did the doctor say..?"

"The doctor said that you are going to die.."

2006-12-03 05:40:42 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Every day a nine-year-old boy walks home from school past a nine-year-old girl's house.

One day he is carrying a football and stops to taunt the little girl.
He holds up the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boy's game and girls can't have one!"

The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter.

Her mother promptly goes out and buys her daughter a football.
The next day the boy is riding home on his bike and the girl shows him the football, yelling, "Nah-na-nah-na-nah."

The little boy gets mad and points to his bike.
"See this bike? This is a boy's bike and girls can't have them!"
The next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boy's bike.

Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts
and says, "You see this? Only boys have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl, "Well, what do you have to say now?" So she pulls up her dress and says, "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

2006-12-03 05:40:05 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- Gorgonzola!
- Wait, it is not on yet.

2006-12-03 05:32:12 · 21 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

you have 5 elephants with 5 different colors blue red green yellow & white
you can only kill the elephant of color blue
how can you kill the rest of them ?
remember only when the elephant is blue then you can kill it
if you dont know the answer wait for it in 24h

2006-12-03 05:27:29 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde lady is pregnant with her first baby..

One day her husband finds her taking a birth control pill!

Horrified, he asks her, "Why are you taking that ?!!! You're already pregnant, honey!"

She replies, "Well I don't want twins!"

2006-12-03 05:14:45 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with her car.
Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse.
She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door.
When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it s Sunday night and my car broke down! I don t know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?" "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don t want you messin with my sons, Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two husky young men standing behind the farmer.
She judges them to be in their early twenties.
"Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night, the woman begins to get a little excited thinking about the two husky boys in the room next to her.
So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don t want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these." She puts condoms on the boys and the three of them make love all night long.
Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "Luke? You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care any more if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not." "Me, neither," says Jed, "Let s take these things off."

2006-12-03 05:12:14 · 13 answers · asked by toppopsy 3

HINT: Morning=Beginning of life, Noon= Middle of life, and Evening= Close to End of Life.

2006-12-03 05:12:10 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

my friend is crazy about them. and for the record i am extremely pro life. gay jokes and dumb blonde jokes are good to. i am not looking for long jokes just quick ones.

2006-12-03 05:09:01 · 18 answers · asked by nobody 2

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why? he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. ****."
cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

2006-12-03 05:00:27 · 27 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A girl came skipping home from school one day.. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10.. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy..?" She asked.

Her mother replies, "No, it's because you're 26.."

2006-12-03 04:54:40 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous

and sees this stunning girl, he goes up to her and says "can i buy you a drink, and would you like to come back to my place"?. the girl looks at him and says "my, you are a little forward"!!!

2006-12-03 04:51:39 · 9 answers · asked by captain jack 4

A blonde goes into the world wide communication center.
She wants to send a message to her mother in Poland.
When the man tells her it will be $300 she says loudly,
"I don`t have any money... But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland."
The man says "ANYTHING" ?
The blonde says "Yes... ANYTHING".
The man says, "Follow me."
He leads her to the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does.
He then says, "Get on your knees."
She does.
He then says, "Go ahead... Take it out."
She takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.
The man says, "Well go ahead!"
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello, Mom ?"

2006-12-03 04:49:46 · 6 answers · asked by toppopsy 3

Possibley dressed in a leotard and tights holding a saw pointing to the box

2006-12-03 04:49:35 · 15 answers · asked by jon h 6

I ain't good at remembering the long ones.

2006-12-03 04:48:14 · 20 answers · asked by I am actually a Hot Dog 1

cause when single women come home and there is nothing in the fridge , they go to bed.........
and when married women come home and there is nothing in the bed... they go to the fridge
LMAO

tell me your best joke

2006-12-03 04:37:36 · 9 answers · asked by Blondie 2

A man and a blonde woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man: "What are you doing here today?" blonde: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." The blonde looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and blonde meet again in the donation center. Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" blonde : [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

2006-12-03 04:29:15 · 35 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Joke: Experimental Pills
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. That night at dinner, she does so.

About a week later, she's back at the doctor.

She says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes, and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off, and ravages me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

"Naah," she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to that restaurant anyway."

2006-12-03 04:20:39 · 14 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A father comes home and asks where his son is. His wife replies that he's downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father is curious so he wanders down stairs to see what his son is doing. As he's walking down the steps he hears a banging sound. When he gets to the bottom he sees his son pounding a nail into the wall.

He says to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?"

His son replied, "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became hard as a rock."

His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagen."

His son quite naturally said, "Sure why not.''

The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagen was.

His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. The Mercedes is from your mother."

2006-12-03 04:15:51 · 9 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

I can't get my head around this - you're trappe din a plummeting lift and if you jumped up just before it crashed, then would the lift shaft have plummeted and crashed at a billion miles per hour but you would have technically only jumped and landed a few inches? My gorgeous fluffy brain cannot work this one out!

2006-12-03 04:14:37 · 27 answers · asked by gorgeousfluffpot 5

2006-12-03 04:13:05 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is very ill lying in a hospital bed,the doctor comes to see him and says the results of your tests are in would you like the good news or bad news.

Bad news first please, he says.
You've got a terminal illness and you've 3 weeks to live.
Okay, whats the good news.
See that fit nurse with the big boobs overthere, i'm shagging her!!!

2006-12-03 04:07:54 · 9 answers · asked by ? 4

They have a myrrhky relationship.

What did one of the three wise men say to his girl friend today? Mag I love you!

Thank you! Thank you, puns, you make life so much better.

2006-12-03 04:06:46 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I can't button me pants."

"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "Oh my, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in."

2006-12-03 04:04:44 · 12 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

Say you were walking down the street, and out of the corner of your eye you see the backpack you've wanted to buy for a month laying on the ground.
When you lift the backpack you realize it's very heavy, so your curiousity makes you open it up.

Inside is 500,000 in cash, what's next ?

You write your own ending.

2006-12-03 03:55:04 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous