Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show You how to do it properly." She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "Why did you do that?"
"Tarzan check for bees."

2006-12-03 07:26:10 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.
As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says
"NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE"
Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan
"what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt"
"Yes" the woman replies "but what about the skunk?"
"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt"
"but what about the smell?" the woman asks.
To which the man replies "Look, if it dies it dies!"

2006-12-03 07:24:32 · 32 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Imagine that you are an explorer . You have just landed on an island and you decide that eventually you would like to bring your friends and realatives there to live.You notice however there aren't any pigs on the island,and you all have exotic tastes: you and your friends and relatives simply adore pigs' feet. (Ok use your imagination here! Pigs' feet are considered a delicay by some,although frankly, I don't see it...) You decide to leave a male and a female pig on the island,go back and get your friends,and return and three years. These pigs will produce THREE LITTERS OF BABIES EACH YEAR (ONE EVERY FOUR MONTHS). There are ALWAYS TWO MALES AND TWO FEMALES IN EACH LITTER.

1) IF ALL THE FEMALES, NO MATTER HOW YOUNG OR HOW OLD, HAVE A LITTER (AS DESCRIBED ABOVE) EVERY FOUR MONTHS AND NO PIGS DIE, HOW MANY PIGS WILL BE ON YOUR ISLAND WHEN YOU RETURN? CAN YOU FIND ANY PATTERNS?
EXPLAIN YOUR STRATEGY AND REASOING PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-12-03 07:24:04 · 7 answers · asked by bsktballchik 4

first bloke sez, " i asked my wife for it doggie style last night"
second bloke " oh did she go for it then "
first bloke "Yeah, I sat up and begged and she rolled over and played dead".....

2006-12-03 07:20:44 · 10 answers · asked by chris w. 7

A pretty young girl worked at a bakery that kept it's bread on three shelves, and she had to climb a ladder to get to the raisin bread that was kept on the highest one. The old guys would purposely ask for raisin bread, so they could look up her skirt. One day she was already on the ladder when an old timer came in. She said "Okay, is your's raisin ? He said "No, it's just twitchin a bit."

2006-12-03 07:18:41 · 5 answers · asked by sluggo1947 4

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

2006-12-03 07:16:09 · 8 answers · asked by skimboardergal6 3

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.
"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"
"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
*****
On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent." Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"

2006-12-03 07:15:43 · 22 answers · asked by Pd 6

If a bottle and a cork costs one pound and ten pence and the bottle is a pound more than the cork..How much is the cork..?

2006-12-03 07:12:50 · 14 answers · asked by PliNk_PloNk 3

A guy and a gal meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"I didn't feel a thing!"

2006-12-03 07:05:09 · 21 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patientand started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes - which is why I came here in the first place."

2006-12-03 07:03:46 · 17 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

faststang71,,, this one is for you.....hehe
I was getting way too serious, Had to do a funny one. lol

2006-12-03 07:02:52 · 14 answers · asked by jayjay 2

Joke:Pepper Orgasm
A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet which is getting ready to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading his magazine.

The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief.

The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude, and if you do it again, I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane.

He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to have an orgasm every time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"

"Pepper," he answers.

2006-12-03 07:01:26 · 9 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Two guys are riding to work on the bus. They both see two dogs goin' at it on a lawn. One guy, who's married, looks at the other and says, "Geez, I'd give anything to do it to my wife like that."

The other, a single guy, says, "Heck, that's easy. Just feed her three martinis."

The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next morning. The single one asks the other, "Well, did you get to do it to your wife doggie style?"

The married guy replies, "Yes, but it took SIX martinis."

The single guy exclaims, "SIX martinis! How come so many?"

The husband replies, "Hell, it took three just to get her out on the lawn."

2006-12-03 06:59:59 · 7 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Any other oddities out there?

2006-12-03 06:52:57 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jack and Gill were messing about at the bottome of the hill when Gill decided she needed a wee. She found a bush and asked Jack to keep a look out.
Jack decided now was his chance to have a quick fumble, and he stuck his hand through the bush.
He grabbed hold of a big dick.
"Urghh" he shouted, "have you had a sex change?"
"No" said Gill, "I changed my mind and had a poo..."

2006-12-03 06:51:53 · 22 answers · asked by Ali 3

Once upon a time there was a magic mirror that could tell
when you were lying. If you were, ZAP! it would suck you
in and you were gone forever.

One day, an old lady, a brunette, and a blonde happened by
the mirror. The old lady looked in it and said, "I think I'm
the most beautiful woman in the world." ZAP! The mirror
sucked her in and she was gone.


The brunette looked in and said, "I think I'm the most
beautiful woman in the world." ZAP! The mirror sucked her in
and she, too, disappeared.


The blonde looked in and said, "I think. . ."


ZAP the mirror sucked her in !

2006-12-03 06:45:22 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

One morning while making breakfast a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said "If you firmed this up we could get rid of your control top panty hose".
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning the man woke up his wife with a pinch of both of her breasts and said "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra".
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his dangler with a death grip in place she said.....
"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of
The gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother".

2006-12-03 06:42:42 · 21 answers · asked by JillPinky 7

Any twos??

2006-12-03 06:39:56 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman comes to the cashier in a grocery store with 3 lemons, 1 chocholate, 6 lbs of potatos, a pack of tampons, one pack of chips and 3 packs of chewing gum.
The cashier then says: "I bet You're single!"
"Yes, how did You guess?"
"Because You're really very ugly!"

2006-12-03 06:37:30 · 21 answers · asked by Marin S 2

a little boy askes his dad:
daddy? is god a man or a woman?

dad: both

little boy: daddy? is god black or white?

dad: both

the little boy thinks for a moment and then says:
daddy is god michael jackson?

2006-12-03 06:32:44 · 15 answers · asked by sparklemybandaid 1

I, the p--is, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

I do physical labour;
I work at great depths;
I plunge head first into everything I do;
I work in a damp environment;
I don't get paid overtime;
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation;
I work in high temperatures; and,
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.


Sincerely,

The P--is


Dear P--is...

Your request has been rejected for the following reasons...

You always enter the work place with two suspicious looking bags,
You often fall asleep on the job,
You rarely complete the task given,
You withdraw from work place too early,
You have been reported to have been visiting other work places hence making you a potential disease carrier,

If you feel this assesment of your performance has been too harsh, please feel free to launch an appeal via the relevant authorities...

Yours Sincerely the ......:)

2006-12-03 06:32:34 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her
and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll
forgive me."
She replies, "If your d--k is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."



1. A tall well-built woman with good
2. reputation, who can cook frogs
3. legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
4. schia garden, classic music and tal-
5. king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

2006-12-03 06:25:00 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

in hospital after an operation. The doc says good news and bad i'm afraid. Give me the bad news first the bloke says and get it over with. Ok says the doc I have had to amputate your legs. Oh s**t says the fella and whats the good news, doc says the chap in the next bed wants to buy your slippers !!!!!!

2006-12-03 06:25:00 · 10 answers · asked by Shredder 6

got it

2006-12-03 06:10:30 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-03 06:06:56 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast
table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

2006-12-03 06:06:52 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was this clown and he was standing outside eating a corndog minding his business whistling jon jacob jingle heimer shmidt while doing the macarana, and this man named lester dickenson was skipping down the street when he saw the clown and lester went up to the clown and said 'heres a cupcake winston' ahahahahaahahahahahahaha lmao!!!

2006-12-03 06:06:40 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

this is just a joke, I'm not saying it's wrong to be gay..

A man walks into a bar and immediately goes to the counter. He sais to the bartender, "Gimme a Scotch!" Knowing this man very well the bartender asks, "Why, you never drink Scotch, what's the matter?"

The man then replies, "I just found out my brother is gay."

The next day the same man walks into the bar and says, "Gimme two Scotches." Again the bartender asks, "What's the problem this time..?"

The man replies, "I just found out my other brother is also gay."

The next day the man walks into the bar again and says, "Gimme the whole damn bottle of Scotch!"

The bartender asks, "Not again! Don't you have anyone in your family that likes girls?!"

The man then replies, "Yeah.. My wife."

2006-12-03 06:05:13 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-03 06:04:47 · 3 answers · asked by Ian M 1

Do you think this is funny?...i found it pretty hilarious :o)
Try to solve the second one.



A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,

"Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."

The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."
_______________________________
Solve:
A man and a dog were going down the street. The man rode, yet walked. What was the dog's name?

2006-12-03 06:03:38 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous