Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

in hospital, after he ran through a naked ladies legs. The doctor said he received a clit to the ear, a flap to the face and a crack on the head.!!

2006-12-12 08:04:24 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tall she is, and round as a cup,
Yet all the king's horses
Can't draw her up.

Annnnnnd


A part of heaven,
Though it touches the earth.
Same say it's valuable,
Others - no worth.

2006-12-12 07:48:56 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No?"
"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."
And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

2006-12-12 07:47:14 · 20 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

an Irishman ran into the police station with a sandwhich he found out in the street, "Would ya look at dis occifer" oi found a sandwhich...
I think it could be dangerous" there's little wires sticking out of it, said the copper. "tell me is it ticking"

Nah said the Irishman oi do be tinking its beef.

2006-12-12 07:45:03 · 15 answers · asked by chris w. 7

i got locked outta my house today and when i looked through the letter box i saw my doorkeys on the stairs and my cat was sittin next to them. i said ''felix pass my keys to me'' and my cat went''me 'ow'

now come on you youngsters must understand that one

2006-12-12 07:40:15 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A village

2006-12-12 07:39:02 · 30 answers · asked by matchak 2

english one irish one american all standing at the top of the empire state building looking over the edge:::american says bet i can do something you two can not do,come on noww be jesus(says the irish fella)what ever you can do i will do to be sure to be sure to be sure to be sure::with that the yank has jumped off the deck flew into the air managed three twists a back flip and and touched his toes landing saftly back on the deck ::::i"ll show him i will i will deep breath and off he goes ----------------currrrrunch splattered all over the pedestrians below !! englishman turns to the american and says you can be a right c@@t sometimes superman!!

2006-12-12 07:36:38 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just heard this joke. Thought I would share it with you guys.

Ok so theres 19 blondes and 1 brunette stranded on an island. A rescue helicopter comes by with a rope. So they all hold on to the rope. Once in the air the pilot tells them ' one of you guys has to sacrifice yourself or were all going to die because the helicopter cant carry that much weight. So the blondes are like ' we dont want to go. Then the brunnete is like ' fine I'LL jump off. Then the blondes start clapping.

Yep thats my joke. Heres another....

A redhead a brunnete, and a blonde find a magic lamp. The genie says ' you each get one wish. all you have to do is run of this cliff and yell what you wish for. So the redhead goes runs of the cliff and says' money. She land in a pile of money. The brunnete runs off the cliff and yells ' fame'. She turns into a movie star. The blonde starts to run, trips and yells' CRAP!!' And she lands in a pile a crap.

hope you like it.

2006-12-12 07:35:45 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-12 07:32:48 · 5 answers · asked by Bec P 2

put it in a microwave until its Bill Withers....

2006-12-12 07:32:44 · 11 answers · asked by chris w. 7

my wife and i were pulling on a wish bone for wishes. we both made our wishes out loud and then pulled. both pieces broke off and the middle joining piece that usually determines who's whish comes true was left on its own. what are the wishing rules regarding this???

2006-12-12 07:28:53 · 3 answers · asked by boogiemunn 1

i went to the chemist and asked for a packet of DUREX the chemist said 'that will be £1.50 plus tax' i said 'fuxk the tax i will tie them on'

2006-12-12 07:26:53 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

this isnt really a question but i really need cheering up and if people could type up their jokes or just random funny comments i would appreciate it. 10 points for the best answer :)

2006-12-12 07:23:32 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

man goes to the doctors for his test results and the doc says'i have really bad news you only have 12 hours to live so go and enjoy yourself'
so the man goes home and tells his wife the bad news and says'i thought we could have a nice meal some wine and then go to bed and make love all night long'the wifesays 'oh thats typical of you self self self you dont have to get up for work in the morning do you'

2006-12-12 07:21:58 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

an irish man went to the doctors with a problem. "Dactor it me ahrse, I'l loike ya to teyhk a look if ya woot".so the Doc gets him to drop his pants. "thats incredible says the Doc, "there's a 20 ound note up here". he eases it out of the mans bottom and then another tenner appears. What do ya want me to do says the Doc." well fur gadnes sake. teyhk it out" says the man. The Doc pulls it out and then another appears, and then another, and then another, etc until finally the last note appears.Ah dactor, tank ya koindly, dats moch batter. " how moch is der den? The doc counts the pile of cash, £1, 999 exactly he says......................................................................

.
Ah dat be roight. i knew i wasn't feeling two grand.

2006-12-12 07:21:28 · 11 answers · asked by chris w. 7

Letter from a Daughter
Father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to lope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree? Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a railer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO". Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home. I love you!!!


--

2006-12-12 07:11:18 · 51 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

2006-12-12 07:02:55 · 20 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

2006-12-12 06:58:45 · 33 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down .

* * * * * * *

2006-12-12 06:56:24 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bob and Larry are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself. "Oh, no...Now my wife will kill me! Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars
for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're Disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha Jew think. I only had a cupla Drrrinks. But thiss other
guy got ssick on me...he had one too many! And he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says,"But this is forty bucks.."Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

2006-12-12 06:47:02 · 11 answers · asked by Island girl 2

The correct answer isn't
"you smell like carrots"

2006-12-12 06:43:44 · 11 answers · asked by Ether Fumes 5

You have a new emerging disease called 147 yellow, there is no known cure, and you only have 2 weeks to live.
The man goes home and tells his wife, and after coming to grips with it, decide to do something they have not done before to try and cheer themselves up, they go to Bingo.
The first game the man wins £1000.00, then later on he wins the big one of the night £10,000.00, then comes the National Link, and he wins that as well, £100,000.00
The Bingo caller calls the man up onto the stage "well he says, you have won all the big prizes tonight, you must realise that this has never happened before, you must be the luckiest man alive"
The man on hearing this says "Lucky, are you kidding, Lucky, I have 147 Yellow.
The Bingo caller says "Oh my God, he's only won the bloody raffle as well.

2006-12-12 06:42:54 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

does the splits and ends up suctioned to the floor by her f"a"n"n"y
her husband tries but cant budge her so calls his mate who says
"i'll go get a hammer we can break some of the tiles and lift her!
the husband says "ok i'll lick her ear and play with her t"i"t"s while you're gone!"
"why?" says his mate>
husband replies "if i can get her wet maybe we can slide her to the kitchen where the tiles are f##king cheaper

2006-12-12 06:27:30 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

2006-12-12 06:26:13 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A gentleman goes into a hotel and spies a very attractive and elegant woman at the bar. He's not backwards in coming forward so he goes up and asks her straight out. "Excuse me madam but I find you extremely attractive. would you be prepared to spend the night with me for a thousand pounds?" The woman thinks for a moment and then replies. "I think that could be arranged".
The man then says "In that case would you spend the night for ten pounds?"
"Certainly not!" says the woman "What do you think I am?"
"Madam", says he "We've already established what you are. We are merely haggling over the price!"

2006-12-12 06:22:31 · 14 answers · asked by Cream tea 4

2006-12-12 06:19:14 · 26 answers · asked by Rick S 1

Why Karaoke is better than sex...
(
- With Karaoke, you're always sure you can find someone worse than you are.

- You don't feel obligated to buy someone dinner for singing Karaoke with you.

- When you sing Karaoke, it's OK to have multiple partners.

- It's OK to sing Karaoke with your sister.

- With Karaoke, you never have to be sorry about forgetting your lines.

- It's OK to drink too much and sing Karaoke.

- With Karaoke, no one will complain about the size of your microphone.

- It's OK to sing Karaoke in front of your neighbors.

- You'll never feel uncomfortable knowing your parents still sing Karaoke.

- No one complains about a 3-minute Karaoke performance.

2006-12-12 06:17:57 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

his forehead wet with beads of sweat
he rubbed her here and there
he touched her neck,then felt her breast,then drooling felt her thigh
the slit was wet and all was set,he gave a joyous cry
the hole was wide ,he looked inside
all was dark and murky
he rubbed his hands and stretched his arms
and then he stuffed the turkey!
MAY I BE THE FIRST TO WISH YOUR DIRTY LITTLE MIND A MERRY XMAS!!!!!

2006-12-12 06:13:55 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man with a bald head and a wooden leg was invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear so he writes to a fancy dress hire shop to explain the problem,
A few days later a parcel arrives with a note. Dear Sir, find enclosed a pirates outfit, wear the spotted hanky on your bald head and your wooden leg will really look the part for a Pirate. The man thinks this is terrible as they have emphasised his wooden leg so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel.and a note, Dear Sir go as a monk. Your habit will cover the leg and you will look the part with your bald head. The man is really annoyed now as they have emphasised his bald head and wooden leg this time. He writes the company a rude letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which says. Dear Sir please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Pour the syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a.r.s.e. and go as a toffee apple.

2006-12-12 06:13:18 · 11 answers · asked by chris w. 7

A beautiful young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay."
Santa replies, "HO HO HO! Gotta go! Gotta go! Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, please stay."
Santa replies, "HO HO HO! Gotta go! Gotta go! Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
Santa begins to sweat.
The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay."
Santa replies, "HO HO HO! Gotta go! Gotta go! Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
Santa wipes his brow.
She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay....."
Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow says, "HEY HEY HEY! Gotta stay! Gotta stay! Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!"

2006-12-12 06:07:38 · 19 answers · asked by Cowboy 4