Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

twas the night before xmas and all thru the house.
everybody felt shxtty including the mouse.
mums at the whxrehouse dads smoking grass.
id just settled for anice piece of axse.
when out on the lawn i heard such a clutter.
i sprung from my piece to see whats the matter.
then out on the lawn i saw a big dxck.
i knew in a moment it must be st nick.
he came down the chimney like a bat out of hell.
i knew straight away the fxcker had fell.
he filled our stockings with prezzies andbeer.
and a big rubber duck for my brother the queer.
he rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart.
the son of a bxtch blew thechimney apart.
he swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight.





pxss on you all and have a hell of a night














ps
just recieved this over mobile
what do you think people yes or no

2006-12-12 03:14:58 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

After John’s wife passed away, he decided that, at eighty-four, it was about time for him to consider moving into an assisted living community. He was a lonely widower, and it was becoming difficult for him to care for himself and tend to all of the responsibilities associated with being a homeowner. So, he sold his house, liquidated his assets, and moved to a neighborhood retirement home. After a few months, John had settled in and was making a lot of new friends.



At the home’s spring dance, he met a woman named Dina. Dina was a widow and eighty-two years old, but she didn’t look a day over seventy-five; what a looker. John decided that he would ask her to go out on the river with him in one of the home’s paddleboats. Dina accepted John’s invitation, and on a sunny Saturday afternoon they went out on the paddleboat together. The date was going wonderfully, and as their boat approached a fork in the river, John turned to Dina and asked her if she wanted to go "up or down?" Dina turned to John, and all of the color was gone from her face. She wasn’t smiling. John started to shift and get a little uncomfortable. Instead of answering his question, Dina stipped all of her clothes off right there on the paddleboat and proceded to make passionate love to him. It was the wildest, most desperate, best sex of his life. John decided he’d ask Dina out again.



The very next Saturday, John asked Dina to go out on the river with him again. She accepted his offer, and they went back out in the paddleboat. When they got to the same fork in the river, John turned to Dina and asked, "Up or down?" Again, Dina ripped all of the clothes from her body, climbed on top of him and made passionate love to him. Wow, John thought. I could get used to this.



The next Saturday, John and Dina went back out in the paddleboat. When they got to the infamous fork in the river, John turned to Dina and, smiling as he unbuttoned his shirt, he asked, "Up or down?" "Hmm," Dina replied. "I think... up. Let’s go up-river." Stunned, John fumbled with his shirt buttons and tried to pull himself together. "Err, alright... up-river it is then," John stammered. They travelled the rest of the paddleboat-ride in silence.



As they were nearing the dock, John just couldn’t stand it anymore. He HAD to know what was going on. How could he lose out on such a great deal?!

"Dina! I need to ask you something."

"What is it?" Dina asked.

"Well, see, these past few weeks, every time we’ve gotten to the fork in the river, I have asked you if you wanted to go ’up or down,’ and you have responded by ripping your clothes off and giving me the best sex of my life. Why didn’t you make love to me this week?"

"Oh, Jesus." Dina answered. "My hearing aid was getting repaired and I just got it back yesterday. Every time we’ve been out on the river, I thought you were saying, ’**** or drown.’"

2006-12-12 03:14:49 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-12 03:13:00 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

An atheist takes a walk . . .

For those of you'll who do not know an atheist is a person who does not
believe in God. An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw
that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping
frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!" Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of
the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a
believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light.
"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a
Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the
forest resumed. And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am
truly thankful, Amen.

2006-12-12 03:09:46 · 14 answers · asked by godisamor 3

A farmer's kids decide to start a cattle ranch, and they can't come up with a name, so they go and ask their father for a suggestion. He says, call it the Focus Ranch. Why, they asked. He says, because that's where the sons raise meat. (suns rays meet).

Is there a pun where 4 words have a double meaning??

2006-12-12 02:59:26 · 4 answers · asked by timbo44b 3

I m having trouble with this mad gab pleae help me!

"up and gay cows"

2006-12-12 02:58:19 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

My friend would like to know. Please help its worth a few drinks (for me)

2006-12-12 02:46:24 · 9 answers · asked by LYNSEY W 1

An old lady dies and goes to heaven and is chatting to St Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.


"Don’t worry about that," says St. Peter, "it’s only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."


The old lady looks a little uncomfortable as St. Peter explains how Heaven works. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.


"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what’s happening"?


"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."


"I can’t do this," says the old lady, "I’m off down to hell."


"You can’t go there," says St. Peter, "you’ll be raped and sodomized."


"Yes, but I’ve already got the holes for that."

2006-12-12 02:42:25 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Help please!!!

2006-12-12 02:39:29 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

a person usually known for asking ridedles was at a party when she decided to through one out. She said i have 3 children can you guess their age, i will give you 3 hints, 1. all of their ages add to 36, no one knew. their ages combinded is the same as the adress next door plus one...nobody still knew. The last hint was, one of my children play the piano. and then one man said i know and got all the ages correct. How did he know?

2006-12-12 02:36:56 · 14 answers · asked by TX-ftball 2

This is a true story from an Amco Christmas party in Australia last year. At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the staff decided to pull a practical joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else. When he went to the toilet, they went through his wallet and found his Tats Lotto Ticket.

Then, they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank. She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night’s Lotto numbers, then proceeded to read them out loud before setting the numbers on the table.
The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his from his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again, and checked the numbers, very carefully.

2006-12-12 02:36:06 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cheap Drinks

Four retired guys, two from California and two from Arizona, are walking down a street in Chicago.

Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timer's Bar" "ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!"

They look at each other, and then go in.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you. What'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the 4 men each asked for a martini.

In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

They can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.

They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"

"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow!! That's quite a story," says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're seniors from Florida. They're waiting for happy hour."

2006-12-12 02:31:20 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy, after a fantastic night out with his mates, is walking home across the fields, absolutely smashed out of his brain, when he trips and loses his flat cap, it took him 10 attempts to find the right one before he could go home.

2006-12-12 02:25:35 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

you are in a car at a constant speed. on your left is a fire engine travellin at the same speedas you. in front of you is a gallopig pig the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level also doin the same speed as you. how do you get out of this dangerous situation?..... ANSWER...........get the f--k off the kids merry go round you pi---head

2006-12-12 02:19:32 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (I’m taking this because?)

On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (as opposed to what?)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts.” (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: say what?)

On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

2006-12-12 02:13:47 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

and you need to go number twos do you just close the toilet door or do you lock it, if so why there's nobody else there.

2006-12-12 02:10:08 · 31 answers · asked by Loo 4

In Honor of Stupid People…In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping. (That’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (and that would be???….)

On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (but, it’s just a suggestion.)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside down.” (well…duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.” (and you thought?)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.”
(but wouldn’t this save me time?)

On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.” (now, somebody out there, help me. I’m a bit curious!)

2006-12-12 02:06:55 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

doctor replies all i can advise madame is you put all your sexy underwear on,turn all the lights off in the house leaving only the bedroom one on and lie on top of the bed,when he comes home he will notice and think why is only the bedroom light on which will make him come and investigate whats going on,and there you are in all your glory,but theres a problem doctor she replied, whats that he said,its that time of the month,thats great said the doctor he will think you have had them out

2006-12-12 02:01:10 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

15 things to do at Wal Mart while your partner is taking their own sweet time

1. Pick up condom packages & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in house wares to go off at 5 minute intervals.



3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3 in house wares,'...and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.



8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from'Mission Impossible'.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!'

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! It's those voices again'.

15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loud. 'We're out of toilet paper in here!

2006-12-12 01:39:42 · 21 answers · asked by angel 4

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.

She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.


When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You knowwhat?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.


"I think you're bad luck, get the f*ck away from me."

2006-12-12 01:32:56 · 22 answers · asked by Rican Princess 5

What is it?

2006-12-12 01:19:02 · 6 answers · asked by Ally D 1

2006-12-12 00:56:43 · 25 answers · asked by freegrounds 1

Brave, Intelligent, Gentle, Polite, Energetic, Nutty, Industrious, Sensitive

And if all else fails, read the CAPITAL LETTERS only!

2006-12-12 00:25:20 · 29 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

they were made from a sqaure piece of paper,fold the 4 corners in to the middle the turn it over fold those 4 corners into the middle then fold it in half, then you used put colours on each section,and ask a friend to pick one,then open and shut it according to how many letters spelt the colour then on the inside you had numbers and that had forfeits on them,we can't remember what they were called thanks

2006-12-11 23:52:02 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man finds a sandwich in the middle of the pavement and there are 2 wires sticking out of it.

He phones the police. The police man says " is it ticking"

The man goes " No i think its beef"!

Old but good!

2006-12-11 23:47:57 · 17 answers · asked by dm_overton 3

First correct answer = 10 points.

2006-12-11 23:40:34 · 9 answers · asked by jasonheavilin 3

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife
along the way, flash her.
3. Flex your manly physique (not!) in the mirror & suck in your gut to see if you have pecs.
4. Turn on water.
5. Flex again & make the most handsome face possible. (Wink if desired)
(exhale already, exhale)
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth.(you don't use one)
8. Wash your face.
9. Wash your armpits.
10. Wash penis & surrounding area.
11. Wash your @ss.
12. Shampoo your hair.(Yes people, this comes after washing your @SS)
(Look at conditioner, put it down)
13. Make a shampoo mohawk.
14. Open the door look at yourself in the mirror. (Put on best ‘Elvis’ face possible)
15. Pee down the drain (Some where around this time, Fart at will)
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Return to bedroom wearing towel, walk past girlfriend/wife once more, flash again.
18. Lay on bed naked & wet, hoping the flash aroused the girlfriend/wife.
19. Yell out to your girlfriend/wife to let her know you're on the bed naked.
20. Fall asleep zzzzzzzzzzzz

2006-12-11 23:14:13 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

for fun.

2006-12-11 23:12:27 · 7 answers · asked by cami 4

2006-12-11 23:11:39 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

2006-12-11 23:04:33 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous