Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to
the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken
to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?
I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered
into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking
down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement
of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now
we're going to Sea World....."

2006-12-11 17:32:19 · 11 answers · asked by Island girl 2

we are full all the day, but empty when we go to rest.

2006-12-11 17:23:15 · 4 answers · asked by Carl-N-Vicky S 4

A Kerryman was suffering from pains in his knees, so he visited the doctor.

"You're suffering from a disease that we medical experts call "kneeitis", said the doctor. "Take it easy for a month or so and above all don't climb any stairs. That puts a terrible strain on the knees."

A month later the Kerryman returned and after a brief examination was found to have recovered completely.

"Can I climb the stairs now Doctor?"

"Certainly," replied the Doctor.

"Thank Heavens," said the Kerryman, "I was getting a bit browned off climbing up the drainpipe every time I wanted to go to the toilet."

2006-12-11 17:21:11 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-11 17:20:31 · 12 answers · asked by Carl-N-Vicky S 4

2006-12-11 17:17:46 · 13 answers · asked by Carl-N-Vicky S 4

my favorite is
kid a: this class sucks what could suck worse then this class
kid b: your mom

this happend to 2 kids in my alg class this story is true

2006-12-11 17:14:49 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

2006-12-11 17:12:30 · 15 answers · asked by William T 2

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quielty into the garage to hook the beat up the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50MPH.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a difference anticipation and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"

2006-12-11 17:07:23 · 12 answers · asked by texasblueslady 3

10. He eats milk and cookies -- and nails your wife

9. Every naughty thing you did this year was videotaped and posted on the Internet

8. On Christmas morning, your stocking stuffed with a severed leg

7. Only "gift" you received was left by Blitzen on your living room carpet

6. Instead of, "Ho, Ho, Ho," greets you with, "Nice sweater, fat ***"

5. Leaves mysterious letter, "I know when you are sleeping, I know how to kill a man without leaving any marks"

4. You get no presents -- when you bump into him later, he gives you lame, "I thought you were Jewish" excuse

3. Brings you one copy of every Kathie Lee CD

2. Turns his reindeer loose on you

1. Writes "Happy Holidays" in the snow on the rooftop

2006-12-11 17:06:00 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

nothing racist or offensive to anyone please, just something that makes you think or somehting, could be a long story or short, one per person please and no websites... thank you in advance

2006-12-11 17:05:35 · 6 answers · asked by penguin 4

2006-12-11 17:04:16 · 3 answers · asked by messaygt 1

Q: Why are there so many uptight people in this category?

A: Really, why are there so many uptight people in this category?

2006-12-11 16:46:59 · 9 answers · asked by squatch 6

be sure to go to here when ur done reading this

http://hubpages.com/hub/thejockspot_FIRST_KISS

Element : WOMEN

Symbol : WO+

Atomic mass : Accepted as 53.6 Kg; isotopes may vary from 40-200 kg.

Occurrence : Copious quantities in all urban areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES

1. Boils at room temperature

2. Freezes without any known reason.

3. Melts if given special treatment.

4. Bitter, if incorrectly used.

5. Sweet as Honey if given a proper treatment.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES

1. Have great affinity for Gold, Silver and a range of precious stones and

absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

2. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known
reason.

3. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.

2. Can be great aid to relaxation.

TESTS

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when happy.

2. Turns green when placed behind a better specimen.

POTENTIAL HAZARD

Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at
different locations as long as specimens do not come in direct contact
with
each other.

!! WARNING !!

PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE FINANCIAL HEMORRHAGING

AND MENTAL DISTRESS. BE CAUTIOUS ABOVE PROPERTIES ARE SHOWN BY ALL THE
WOMEN OF THE WORLD

2006-12-11 16:19:47 · 10 answers · asked by Chocogal 7

2006-12-11 16:16:09 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-11 16:09:11 · 11 answers · asked by lovely1991_dinh 2

2006-12-11 16:00:59 · 27 answers · asked by lovely1991_dinh 2

Well? Lets hear 'em!

2006-12-11 15:44:40 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

why does donald duck where a towl around him self when he gets out the shower but he never where`s a pants

whats yellow and dangerous ??????? shark in fested custerd ha ha ha h a see ya all soon

2006-12-11 15:42:31 · 16 answers · asked by Louis D 1

this is my life, this is my hate
i cant stand the thought to contemplate
this lust inside of me
worse than sweet rape or sodomy
its something bitter, something grotesque
i cant believe i want her undressed
i pussyfooted out underneath the moon
and watched her sleep, a coma gloom
i unzipped the door and watched her
its so crooked, so repulsive, so impure
i wanted to steal her but instead
i just kissed her forehead
i slept inside her bed one night
she was so sweet and heedless
to what was in my head that night
i cant help it if the flower does not bleed
her flesh is programed inside, its what i need
if i could mutate, believe me i would
but the skin, the lips feel so good
im so loathed, im so lonely
shes my one and only
i am sorry for my curse
its in my vessels which makes it worse
in my tummy, shes so yummy
her muscles so chewy, oh so gooey
what more can become of me
this little secret inside of me
it rips me from head to toe
i wish this cancer would just go

2006-12-11 15:38:58 · 4 answers · asked by Lusted 1

So an Irish man, a Mexican, and an Idahoan were sitting on a chairlift. The Irish man threw his beer off the edge, half full. They asked why he did that and he replied "there's more where that came from." So the Mexican was smoking a cigar and he threw it off the edge, half lit. They asked why he did that and he replied "Theres more where that came from." So they look at the Idahoan and ask "What is it that you have that you have too much of?" and he pushes off the Mexican....
haha! Oh, by the way..I am NOT racist..just anti-illegal immigration.

2006-12-11 15:38:11 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

THE OBEDIENT WIFE:
>
>There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money,

>and was a real miser when it came to his money.
>
> Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to
>take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money

>to the afterlife with me."
>
>And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
>died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
>
>Well, he died.
>
>He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black,
>and her friend was sitting next to her.
>
>When they finished the ceremony and just before the undertakers got ready
>to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
>
>She had a box with her. She came over with the box and put it in the
>casket.
>
>Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
>So, her friend said,"Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that
>money in there with your husband?"
>
>The loyal wife replied,"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my
>word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with

>him."
>
>"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
>exclaimed the friend.
>
>"Sure did," said thewife. "I got it all together, put it into my account
>and wrote him a check. ""If he can cash it, he can spend it."""

2006-12-11 15:32:39 · 38 answers · asked by janie 2

A:To become the lamest original joke in the world.

2006-12-11 15:30:00 · 13 answers · asked by dervin 3

A pilot flying a propeller driven airplane crashes into the water. He said his engines lost power and had to ditch the plane in the water. When the plane is pulled from the water, all the propellers are bent forward. Can you tell me how this is possible? And, NO, the plane did not crash backwards. It crashed nose first.

2006-12-11 15:27:12 · 6 answers · asked by onechickster2000 1

I am 5ft 8 i weigh 16 stone 44, 42, 42 bald head and goaty beard would you get in my car

2006-12-11 15:25:27 · 15 answers · asked by colin050659 6

It is something you can do but sometimes unsure how to do it. You can find it without your eyes. You can create it but you can't destroy it. Even though people do it for you, you already finished it. What is it?

2006-12-11 15:19:29 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-11 15:10:05 · 2 answers · asked by ♥michele♥ 7

2006-12-11 15:05:52 · 13 answers · asked by ♥michele♥ 7

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was
telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in
the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set
yourselves apart too much. Look at me... I have
Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood,
and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied, with a smile, "Very sporting
of your Mother"

2006-12-11 15:00:06 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

We see it and dont use it, when we use it, we do not see it!!
What am I?

2006-12-11 14:44:11 · 19 answers · asked by Ramiro S 1

I wish my lawn was emo. that way it would cut itself

2006-12-11 14:42:28 · 12 answers · asked by Dan 2