Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

this is the question and and answer ....
Question: a plane is going down thumb up or down?

ok a plane is going down pilot says 3 people need to jumb so a british guy jumps and says long live the queen and jump. another jumper Italian says long live pizza and jumps. Then a big texan walks to the jump place and says remember the ALAMO and throws a mexican out

Additional Details

2 days ago
im not a fucki n racist

2 days ago
i did add names british italian texan and mexian

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ok to this my answer was - nice....dont spread racism...you retard racist...

now just tell me...wasnt the asker talking baout racism....its a high time that yahoo should stop racism...and dont send voilation notices...
there are so many other instances where users have written aout racism and still yaho answers could not do anthing...
why is this so...?

2006-12-11 14:29:32 · 10 answers · asked by Spirit of ~^Spirituality^~ 3

There are 3 houses - No.15, No. 17 & No. 19. The postman is afraid of going to the No. 17 house. Why??

2006-12-11 14:26:30 · 5 answers · asked by Gemini 1

2006-12-11 14:26:02 · 7 answers · asked by iplawrp 1

My freinds I use to joke about this when we where kids. I just want you to keep in mind what type of stories both of these men write, produce.
this is just ment to be fun, so there is no wrong
answers just you opinon.

2006-12-11 14:21:26 · 12 answers · asked by Poe B 3

2006-12-11 14:19:06 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

More Ways to Confuse Santa Claus
- Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"

- Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

- Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

- While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

- Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

- Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

- Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

- Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

- Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

2006-12-11 14:17:33 · 24 answers · asked by hmw95 3

This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

2006-12-11 14:17:17 · 12 answers · asked by unicornfarie1 6

must practice alot of restraint watching the same, boring channel when they Know there is better reality TV out there.

2006-12-11 14:16:29 · 10 answers · asked by -.- 3

2006-12-11 14:16:06 · 21 answers · asked by BadBob 1

its a riddle that i cant figure out...if you can answer asap would be great!!!!

2006-12-11 14:12:24 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

# 10 Life is sexually transmitted.

# 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

# 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him Without an erection, make him a sandwich.

# 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a Person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

# 6 Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for Anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

# 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in Hospitals dying of nothing.

# 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no Attention to criticism.

# 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

# 2 In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now The world is weird and People take Prozac to make it normal.

~*~*~*~ AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006 ~*~*~*~

# 1 We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of defense.

2006-12-11 14:08:39 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-11 14:04:39 · 8 answers · asked by juanchito69 1

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going to burn your ***.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't need them again.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where in the hell is the ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!!!

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Everyone is someone else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Be careful...a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ***.

Don't be irreplaceable --- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

I'd love to live life in the fast lane, but I'm married to a speed bump.

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without a hard-on, make him a sandwich!

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!

How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap!

2006-12-11 14:04:19 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys were in a pick-up truck. One guy was driving, the other was in the passenger seat, and the third guy was sitting out back at the truck bed. One day, they drove near a bridge and the bridge broke and the truck fell in the water. The driver and the passenger guy swam up the water. Then 20 minutes later the one in the back of the truck came up. The driver ask "What took you so long?" Then he answers "That tail gate door was so hard to open."

2006-12-11 13:57:30 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists --- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration...

2006-12-11 13:52:22 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

These are 2 of 20 riddles that are completely stumping me- does anyone know the solutions?

1. A dairy farmer had a 10-gallon pail full of milk and needed to measure it into two separate 5-gallon portions. But he only had the 10-gallon pail, a 3-gallon pail and a 7-gallon pail. How'd he do it?
You must use all buckets

2. Grandpa Jones announced one evening that at 2:45 the next morning, everyone should meet in the barn to begin milking the cows. Why did no one show up?

2006-12-11 13:50:04 · 13 answers · asked by akgirl 5

There is a man who lives in a green house. Its surrounded by a white fence. There is a tree in the yard whose leaves are orange. Now what is the dogs name.

2006-12-11 13:49:34 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing! it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

2006-12-11 13:48:41 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the last hotel manager, "Or just a bed--I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted"

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.

"Never better." John said.

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time."

"How'd you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful' and he sat up all night watching me."

2006-12-11 13:45:55 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

wedding night she offered her honor. He honored her offer. And it was honor/offer - honor/offer - honor/offer all night.



Another couple had not seen each other nude until their wedding night, as he went to take off his pants, the groom said, "I am like a baby down there."

The bride decided that if they loved each other, sex wasn't that important. "That's okay." She said. When he took off his pants, she screamed, "OH MY GOD. WHAT'S THAT????"

He said, "8lbs 7ozs and 15 inches"

2006-12-11 13:44:38 · 2 answers · asked by al p 3

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Not 2 Testicles

2006-12-11 13:42:20 · 5 answers · asked by Korbyn's Mama 2

a rabbit, a bunny, a buger, a salad

2006-12-11 13:42:18 · 18 answers · asked by ? 4

However, someone else may have thought it so.......anyway......


The man grew up in Kentucky and lived there for 17 years 5 months
The man lived in Iowa for 2 years 8 months after college, then
the man moved to Washington for a job and lived there 8 years 10 months,
the man died in Idaho where he had lived for 45 years 9 months.

Where did the man live his first nine months?



I know it sucks

2006-12-11 13:41:53 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday,Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

2006-12-11 13:29:59 · 35 answers · asked by unicornfarie1 6

http://24season5.fromthefan.com/?C1951_528245

2006-12-11 13:24:49 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-11 13:23:18 · 10 answers · asked by juanchito69 1

The local preacher came out of his house, headed for sunday morning services only to discover that his bicycle had been stolen.
As he walked to church he decided that todays sermon would be on the ten commandments. He thought that by preaching the ten commandments, who ever had stolen his bicycle would feel guilty and confess by the time he reached the commandment, Thou shalt not steal. The preacher is at the pullpit and he is really letting the congregation have it, he has preached so hard on the ten commandments that he has every last persons full attention. When he gets to Thou shalt not commit adultry he suddenly becomes quit, not a word is heard from him, he just stands there with his head bowed down. after about ten minutes the deacon walks over to the preacher and ask, Preacher whats wrong? are you sick ? is there some kind of problem? what is it , can I help in some way? The preacher looks up and says, no my son, its just that i suddenly remembered where i left my bicycle

2006-12-11 13:21:19 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-11 13:14:39 · 24 answers · asked by wilbur2lot 3

2006-12-11 13:13:32 · 11 answers · asked by Nate W 3

2006-12-11 13:09:44 · 7 answers · asked by Richard Serenity 4