Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

DARN THESE FLYS!

An Englishman, a Scott, and a Irishman walked into a pub.
Each orderd a pint of beer . Then a fly landed in each one's
beer . The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one .The Scott took the fly out ,
shrugged, and drank his beer . The Irisman pinched the fly
between his fingers and yelled " SPIT IT OUT! "SPIT IT OUT!"

(Nas: This is especially for you....ENJOY and SMILE ALWAYS...IT IMPROVES UR FACE VALUE)

2006-12-11 19:59:16 · 28 answers · asked by axilaryguy 1

Someone make me laugh with a fart name and a description.


Example of one I named recently:

Hurricane Katrina fart: Went to wipe my a** after taking a good one, farted in the process, and blew the toilet paper out of my hand.

2006-12-11 19:58:57 · 4 answers · asked by guff316@sbcglobal.net 2

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and cant help but ask, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"Whats it telling you now?"

"Well, it says youre not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

2006-12-11 19:58:34 · 12 answers · asked by yasminrules17 4

1. What animal has four knees?

2. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

3. The answer is a pencil. What is the question?

4. What type or class of plants do bananas grow on.

5. What can you sit on, sleep on and clean you teeth with?

..............answer all five questions correctly and win a paper hat.

2006-12-11 19:54:28 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

1-lowest
10-highest

one day a man walks into a store. he goes up to the cashier and he says:
can i buy some catfood?

cashier: wheres your cat?

man: at home.

cashier: sorry cant sell you cat food without your cat here.

man: why?

cashier: store policy

the next day the same man walks in.

man: can i buy some dog food?

cashier: wheres your dog?

man: at home

cashier: sir we went through this yesterday

man: i thought that the policy was only for cats?

cashier: nope

the next day the same man comes in again, but this time carrying a huge sack.

cashier: whats in that bag?

man: feel inside

cashier: hmmm its warm and kinda moist, what is it

man: can i buy some toilet paper?

2006-12-11 19:44:45 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two kids are playing handball out on the driveway when one pipes up. "You know what I found the other day Billy? "What did you find, Timmy?" "I found a condom on the patio." "Wow." replied Billy. "Um, whats a patio?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two women are talking about their daughters' success in the big city. "Well my daughter lives in a penthouse apartment," one beams. "She has furs and jewels and goes out to fancy restaurants every night." The other nods appreciatively. "Yes," she says, "My daughter sleeps around too,"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the height of conceit?

Having an orgasm and calling out your own name!

2006-12-11 19:42:51 · 12 answers · asked by gee 2

what would you do if you were stranded on the north pole with santa?

2006-12-11 19:33:27 · 10 answers · asked by jojo16 2

i am a 24 year old executive...couple of days back they took my puse and chain and ran away..i chased them on my bike ..but 3 more joined and hit me rudly....now what to do....i seen this buggers...plan to hit one or two of them using an iron rod today night .....any better way of handling them....should i use acid...knife i am not sure..

2006-12-11 19:31:18 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

there were 3 guys sitting at a bar, when one guy says
"this year for christmas im getting my wife alot of bath oils and salts."

then another guy says "thats all? im getting my wife a dress, new shoes, a new necklace, and some earrings."

then the 3rd guy says "thats nothing, this year im getting my wife some cd's, some dvd's and a vibrator. that way if she doesnt like her gifts she can go **** herself

2006-12-11 19:21:03 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-11 19:19:53 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

2006-12-11 19:16:23 · 17 answers · asked by axilaryguy 1

One day in daycare , a little boy sits and cries.The teacher asks him why he is crying and the boy replies : I can put my boots right. Ok says the teacher I'll hepl you.She put his boots on him and the boy cries again;What's the problrm asks the teacher and the boys says:You put the left boot on ly right leg. The teacher got nervous and hardly switched them.But the by cries again.What's it noew?The boy says: You've taken the boots from another boy.Then the teacher got even more nervous and put his boots on.The boy cries again.She asks why the hell are you crying now(obviously pissed off) and the boy says:I don't have the gloves.She replies ok I'll put you the gloves, where r they?The boy says:They are in my boots....

2006-12-11 19:11:43 · 11 answers · asked by bilezlatko 3

2006-12-11 19:00:47 · 18 answers · asked by John D 1

"You're wife sure makes a great dinner."
"Yeah, but I'm gonna miss her."

2006-12-11 18:58:23 · 10 answers · asked by opjames 4

this is a riddle please help me in answering this

2006-12-11 18:53:54 · 3 answers · asked by Pranavi M 1

bloke walking through the park sees old man sitting on a bench head in hands sobbing his heart out::goes over sits next to him asks if he is ok,not really the old man replies!well if you want to talk about it ill try to help!well says the old man 2yrs ago i won 12million on the lottery i now have three big homes in different countries all with pools chauffeur driven wherever i want to go and the icing on the cake 18months ago i met a stunning sexy young lady 1yr ago we were married she does everything for me and when i say everything i mean anytthing :: she is always by my side and never even looks at another man shes at home now propably getting ready for me!!why on earth are you crying and so upset??
i cant remember where i live!!!!

2006-12-11 18:50:57 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
Very nervously he asks after stuttering a couple of times for a dummy!!!
He hands the sales girl the money.
Again he wanders up and down the aisles.
She asks him does he need any help, He asks very nervously and stuttering for tweezers, she hands him the item and he pays
A few minutes later, he wanders up and down the aisles again, the male manager walks up to him and asks are you looking for something sir. In a very low voice he says “Yes some condoms”. The girl asks the manager whats wrong with him. The manager says “oh he doesn’t know whether to suck it, pluck it, or f$$k, it”

2006-12-11 18:48:14 · 9 answers · asked by scousey1505 1

a guy goes to his doctor and says please doc you have to help me i have a new wife and she says my dick is to big can you help me so the doc chops off an inch and sends him home but hes back the next day and says please doc its still to big for her so the doc cuts off some more and sends him home well for two weeks hes gone then he comes back to the docs office and says hey doc my new wife is loveing it now but she wants me to get the other pieces back on ? m mmmmmm so the doc thinks for a second and says hang on i,ll ask the wife.

2006-12-11 18:32:22 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
> "When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home
was
> take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told
her
> to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said
to
> me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large."
> I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this
> family and I always will. "Ever since that day, we have never had
a
> single problem."
>
> Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after
the
> wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers,
>
> gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
> Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly
wear
> them.
>
> "Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and
I
> always will. I don't want you to forget that".
> Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.
> "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
> "I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.
> "Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your f*cking attitude,
> you never will!"
>

2006-12-11 18:30:37 · 33 answers · asked by bladesmanlou 2

Son: "Mom, what's sex?
Mother gave detailed explanation. Son brought enrollment from & said: "How am I going to get all that into this one little square?'

2006-12-11 18:24:32 · 22 answers · asked by axilaryguy 1

He notices 2 dogs franticly having sex he asks his dad
"what are they doing"
"making a puppy" his dad replies and with that they go home
The next morning the little boy walks into his parents room and sees them franticly having sexs and asks
"daddy what are you doing"
"making a baby"his dad replies, to which the boy says

"well can you turn mummy over i would rather have a puppy"

2006-12-11 18:23:16 · 16 answers · asked by bladesmanlou 2

A elderly gentleman visits his doctor on arrival the receptionist asks "why would you like to see the doctor"
The man replies "I have a problem with my penis"
Shocked the reception says "you can't say that you may offend other patients try saying its a problem with your ear than tell the doctor whats really wrong"
So the man walks out a returns moments later "i would like to see the doctor" he says
"why"asks the receptionist
"I have a problem with my ear"
"thats more like it" she says "whats the problem"
To which the man replies
"i can't take a P i s s with it"

2006-12-11 18:12:41 · 12 answers · asked by bladesmanlou 2

1? 2? 3? CRUnCh

2006-12-11 18:06:42 · 13 answers · asked by IDEA! 1

Q. What is Snoop Dog's favorite weather?
A. Drizzle

Q. Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 10 years?
A. Michael Jackson

Q. Why did Michael Jackson call Boys II Men?
A. He thought it was a home delivery service.

2006-12-11 18:05:38 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-11 18:03:01 · 23 answers · asked by The Answering Machine 4

One day, a wife goes up to her husband and asks for twenty dollars to buy meat.

"Are you crazy?" says the husband, who pulls her over to a mirror. "Let me show you something? This twenty-dollar bill is mine. The one in the mirror is yours. Get it?" The wife nods.

The next day, the husband returns home to find a freezer full of meat. Angry, he asks his wife about it. She pulls him over to the mirror and lifts up her skirt.

"See the one in the mirror? That's yours. This one is the butcher's."

2006-12-11 17:52:25 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last time, we had this following riddle:

Why are dalmatians bad at hide-and-seek?
A: Because they are always spotted!

Heheh... and here is today's riddle:

What do you say to a hitchhiker with only 1 leg?

Have fun! :)

2006-12-11 17:45:28 · 10 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts?

Silicon Valley.


What do you get when Dolly Parton does the backstroke?

Islands In The Stream.


Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?

A: Winnie the Pooh!

2006-12-11 17:43:11 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three people shortlisted - two men and a Samoan woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn.
She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"Dayuuuum, this gun is loaded with blanks" she said.
"I had to beat him to death with the chair."

2006-12-11 17:41:10 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This seemed to stress Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering all the toys.
Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a bit of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had taken the rum and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the Cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor! He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and a now very irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a sweet little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The sweet little angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa!
Isn't it just such a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you! Where
would you like me to stick it?"
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

2006-12-11 17:38:09 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous