Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when you throw it away?

2006-12-11 13:09:31 · 12 answers · asked by unicornfarie1 6

The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A1: They can't find the zipper.

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A1: "Thanks, Guys!"
A2: "Are you boys all in the same band?"
A3: Do you guys all play for the same team
A4: Who were all those guys?

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.

Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering
what she did with her pencil.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Q: What's the blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice t.its!"

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguig, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender"Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"

Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them sh*tting in the streets during parades.

Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A: One's a phony buck.

Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

Q: Why don't a blondes guts fall out of her tw.at when she stands?
A: Because the vaccum in her head keeps them in place.

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.

Q: What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A: A brunette with bad breath.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should
cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.


Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."
"Does he use the ball kind?" enquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."

Why does a blonds bra say T.G.I.F?
T.its go in first.

Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
A: So guys will talk to them at parties.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE WITH A RUNNY NOSE?
A: Full.

Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
A: You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way.

Q: What's the difference between a lesbian finger-f*cking a blonde and a Schwinn at the side of the road?
A: One's a bike in a ditch, and the other's . . . .


Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
A: She liked kids...

2006-12-11 13:08:57 · 6 answers · asked by al p 3

I don't care what He thinks! These Tickle Me, George dolls are downright frightening!
I'll build toys for Mr. Fatty, but shaving his backhair is where I draw the line!
Please Mrs. SC, those batteries are for the children's toys!
I don't care who the h*ll he is....... The old geezer pulls that "checking it twice" thing again, I'm suing for sexual harrassment!
Even if you did see it in the Times, we don't have a "Poke Your Eyes Out Stick"!
This is a piece of cake compared to some of the gigs I've had ...... cookies for Keebler, clothes for Cathy Lee, shoes for Nike.....
Woo-hoo!! Come on, guys, it's time to take the clothes off the Paris dolls!

2006-12-11 12:51:51 · 4 answers · asked by jfmm 7

Born at the same time as the world,
destined to live as long as the world,
and yet never five weeks old.

Do you know the answer?

2006-12-11 12:41:16 · 20 answers · asked by girly 2

ok this is a riddle
how long is a chinese man.

think more about it and look at the punctuation before u say "i dont kno" or sumthin

2006-12-11 12:36:14 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

marble walls as white as milk
lined with skin as soft as silk
within a fountain crystal clear
no doors are there to this stronghold
yet thieves break in and steal the gold

as i was going to st. ives i met a man with 7 wives
each wife had seven sacks
each sack held 7 cats
each cat had 7 kits
kits cats sacks wives
how man people went to st. ives

10 pionts to the person who get them all right

2006-12-11 12:32:12 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Or joke, whatever it is!
"What is black and white and red all over??"
A newspaper? I don't get it! lol?

2006-12-11 12:20:37 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

The world's Hardest riddle
Can you guess the riddle?

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less. Can you guess the riddle?


i see this all over the place but cant find an answer...any help?

2006-12-11 12:10:04 · 20 answers · asked by Ally 2

The Priest noticed Little Johnny one Sunday staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the Church. It was covered with names, and small flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at it for some time, so the Priest walked up, stood beside him, and said quietly, "Good morning, Johnny".
"Good morning, Father," replied the boy, still focused on the plaque. " Father, what is this"?
"Well, Johnny, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service".
Soberly, they stood together, gazing at the large plaque
Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, 'which service,Father, the 9:45 or the 11:15"?

2006-12-11 12:05:36 · 10 answers · asked by jfmm 7

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife....."Back off!" she said, they're for the funeral."

2006-12-11 11:53:59 · 31 answers · asked by Rock 2

An employee who had a terrible history for taking time off phoned in again
one Monday morning:
"I'm sorry, but I'll not be able to come in today as I'm too sick."

On hearing this his exasperated boss could barely conceal his anger and
retorted in a rage:
"well, just how sick are you?"

"Well" the employee sighed, "I'm in bed with my sister!"

2006-12-11 11:53:46 · 19 answers · asked by mark 1

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football
game. They had great seats right behind their team's
bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the
experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially all the big
muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then
for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

:)

2006-12-11 11:50:45 · 17 answers · asked by donttalkjustplay05 4

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.

2006-12-11 11:44:44 · 8 answers · asked by paige_squirrel_goddess 2

the doctor says how on earth did you manage that,he says I was going to cooking a can off soup and it said stand in boiling water for 5 minutes.

2006-12-11 11:42:51 · 19 answers · asked by mark 1

The world's Hardest riddle
Can you guess the riddle?

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2006-12-11 11:40:47 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-11 11:37:20 · 27 answers · asked by angel 1

A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

2006-12-11 11:33:00 · 12 answers · asked by unicornfarie1 6

magine you are in Africa . You have been tied hanging on a tree

with a Rope anchored on the ground, a candle is slowly burning the rope, and
the lion is waiting for you to drop and be his lunch.

Your survival hinges on the rope staying intact, there is no one around to
help you.

The only possible way is to somehow convince the lion to BLOW the candle
out. How do you do that?..................
.
.

2006-12-11 11:28:10 · 32 answers · asked by dhanajai 1

The world's Hardest riddle
Can you guess the riddle?

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2006-12-11 11:26:44 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cheney gets a call from his "boss", George. "I've got a problem," says George.


"What's the matter?" asks Cheney.
"Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle,
but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."


"What's it a picture of?" asks Cheney.
"A big rooster," replies George.
"All right," sighs Cheney, "I'll come over and have a look." So he leaves his
office and heads over to the Oval Office. George points at the jigsaw on his
desk. Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to George and says, "For crying
out loud, Georgie - put the corn flakes back in the box."

2006-12-11 11:25:28 · 16 answers · asked by Rock 2

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

2006-12-11 11:11:32 · 21 answers · asked by a m 4

The National Poetry Contest had come down to the last two, a Yale graduate and
a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, and then they were allowed two
minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The
word that they were given was "Timbuktu”.
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone
and said:
Slowly across the desert sand trekked a lonely caravan; Men on camels, two by
two Destination Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The
redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a hunting' went. Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three,
and we was two, so I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

2006-12-11 11:09:21 · 17 answers · asked by Rock 2

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2006-12-11 11:04:45 · 31 answers · asked by unicornfarie1 6

In how many different ways can 2red, 3 black and 2 green candles be placed in a candel holder?

2006-12-11 10:58:19 · 11 answers · asked by azizka93 3

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sundress,walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar & asks, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar goes silent as the patrons try to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a droopy-eyed drunk slams his hand down on the counter and bellows, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink & the woman chugs it down. She turns to the patrons & again points around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit & asks again, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again the same drunk slaps his money down on the bar & says, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approaches the little drunk & says, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina?' "As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replies, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

2006-12-11 10:55:22 · 14 answers · asked by gee 2

2006-12-11 10:50:51 · 9 answers · asked by fredy s 1

If you had sex 365 times in 12 months & melted the used rubbers into tires what would you call it???? A f***n GOODYEAR!!!!

2006-12-11 10:42:08 · 9 answers · asked by dawn 5

WARNING: This is a very addicting word puzzle. Use whatever necessary to complete.



Look at this down here.



BOY
ARE
TEA



There is not 3 words in that figure, but 8 words. Here are the words.

1. Boy
2. Are
3. Tea
4. Bat
5. Ore
6. Yea
7. Try
8. Bra

As you can see there are words horizontally, vertically, and diagonally. Obviously, you should only be using 3 letter words.

Can you do this with other words! Best one wins 10 POINTS!!!!



Sorry, there are rules.



---RULES----

1. Cannot use made-up or foreign words. (Example: TOB)
2. No acronyms (Example: MTV or USA)
3. No names of any kind (Example: BEN)
4. Cannot use onomatopoeias (Example: BOO)
5. No abbreviations (Example: ORG. or MRS.)

2006-12-11 10:36:34 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

But if niether of them shot the deputy, then who the hell did?.

2006-12-11 10:33:37 · 9 answers · asked by Gazpode55 4

but his Mother said you can't have breakfast till you have done your chores.The boy was a little p.i.s.s.ed off at this and so he went outside to feed the chickens and kicked one of them, then he went to feed the cows and kicked one of them , next he went to feed the pigs and kicked one of them.
he goes in for breakfast and his mother gives him dry cereal. How come i dont get any eggs for breakfast, or milk on my cereal or bacon, he said "well said his Mum, you kicked a chicken so you can't have any eggs
you kicked a cow so you can't have any milk
and you kicked a pig so you cant have any bacon,
just then his Father came down stairs and kicked the cat

Are you gonna tell him or shall i said the boy....

2006-12-11 10:29:50 · 44 answers · asked by chris w. 7