Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat, as he settled
in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that AfricanAmerican men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish" Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she ," said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos ,
but my friends call me
Paddy."

2006-12-11 07:32:00 · 13 answers · asked by Rock 2

grass.I was lying about the wheels!

2006-12-11 07:26:55 · 18 answers · asked by needtoknow 2

When Caroline came round from her vaginal nip and tuck operation, she was greeted with three boquets of flowers. One was from the surgeon who did the operation, the other was from her loving husband, and the third was from Eric from the burns unit thanking her for his new ears.

2006-12-11 07:26:47 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm at 49' 18' 23.07" N

123' 08' 24" W

Where am I?

2006-12-11 07:23:39 · 7 answers · asked by Kurt 3

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their
situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know father.", the nun answered.

"In fact, I don't think it is likely that we can survive more than a
day
or two."

"I agree." said the nun.

"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you
do something for me?"

"Anything father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see

yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her
shapely
breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister would you mind if I touched them ?"

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes sister ?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours ?"

"I suppose that would be Ok", the priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh father, may I touch it ?"

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
sporting
a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
give life."

"Is that true father?"

"Yes it is, sister."

"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's *** so we can get the ****

out of here ?"

2006-12-11 07:21:36 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-11 07:21:23 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a riddle that I dont know the answer too can someone help

2006-12-11 07:17:21 · 8 answers · asked by Bill J 1

their cracks!

2006-12-11 07:12:39 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a
country road, when they saw a bush with a pig's *** popping
out.

The first man says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's ***."

The second man says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's ***."

Then the third man says, "I wish it was dark."

2006-12-11 07:07:11 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-11 07:06:04 · 11 answers · asked by wildbill_purple 1

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential.
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!"

2006-12-11 07:05:44 · 14 answers · asked by mefussa 2

An Icicle!

2006-12-11 07:05:27 · 14 answers · asked by mother sensible 3

2006-12-11 07:03:47 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the f*** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

2006-12-11 07:02:50 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something

that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."



The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.

"It represents a candle," he said.



"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.



The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook

them and said, "They're bells."



Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."



The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out

a pair of women's panties.



St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those

symbolize?"



The man replied, "These are Carols."

2006-12-11 06:59:59 · 24 answers · asked by Papa Spyk! 1

Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all
yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How
about I send you a ******* book so you can learn to read and write? I'm
giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for
is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa

Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane.

Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who
rides his *** constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you
some nice Legos instead. Santa

Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of
scotch. Santa

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where
I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking
myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing
money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do.
I'm skipping your house. Santa

Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Timmy, That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
home? Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your
*** whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the
burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa

2006-12-11 06:59:09 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-11 06:56:04 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a man walked into a bar. He didn't have
any money so he asked the waitress, "Do you serve
free drinks?" The waitress replied, "No we don't,
but we haven't come up with a name for our bar
yet. If you can think of a name for our bar, I'll
give you a free drink." So the man went home and
started thinking of a name for the bar, and he
came up with 'Lucy's Legs'. The next day the man
gets up and goes to the bar. The bar wasn't open
yet so he sat down and waited for it to open. A
little while later, a Police Officer drove by
and asked, "What are you doing here this early?"
The man replied, "I'm waiting for Lucy's Legs to
open so I can get a free drink."

2006-12-11 06:54:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-11 06:54:18 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-11 06:49:32 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Goldie, a recently widowed lady, was sitting on a Florida beach near Venice.
She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up, placed
his blanket on the sand nearby, and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir," she began. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes," he answered, continuing to read.

Goldie persisted. "Do you like ***** cats?"

With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers whipped
off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie gasped and asked the man, "How
did you know that is what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

2006-12-11 06:49:22 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why do some blokes think its trendy to cultivate something on their faces that grows wild round their a***

2006-12-11 06:47:47 · 12 answers · asked by TrevnDi 3

2006-12-11 06:34:39 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy walks up to a lady and says:
The name's bond.......Vagabond.

2006-12-11 06:30:12 · 1 answers · asked by Bella 1

ease up a lil'

If a brick weighs a pound and half a brick....how much does a brick and a half weigh...?

is it.. half a pound and quarter of a brick plus one pound and half a brick....?

or a 2lb bag o' jelly babies?

2006-12-11 06:27:03 · 16 answers · asked by TrevnDi 3

when you tell this joke you have to keep doin the bond theme tune ok
my name is bond james bond
im a secret agent
a spy
007
i have a gun
its called a berretta
i keep it in my aston martin
its a' CAR ' BERRETA HA HA GEDDIT

NOW THAT HAS TO BE A THUMBS UP

2006-12-11 06:26:42 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-11 06:25:09 · 8 answers · asked by dewhatulike 5

The wedding date was set and the grooms three pals- a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist- were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats off their bed.

The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few chuckles.

The dentist would not tell what he had done, but wore a sly grin and swore that it would be memorable.

The wedding and reception went as planned.

A few days later, each of the groom's three friends received a letter saying the following: "Dear friends, we did not mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback but I swear to God Almighty, I am going to kill the mother f--ker that put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly."

2006-12-11 06:24:46 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

ur all too serious...ease up a lil'

If an elephants tail is a blind for its a***hole... how many beans make five?

2006-12-11 06:23:31 · 11 answers · asked by TrevnDi 3

was asked a question at work today. An immigrant came in and said "excuse me lady but can ya recomend a good Port for Christmas"

Yeah" said my friend "Dover now fcuk off.."........

2006-12-11 06:13:20 · 23 answers · asked by chris w. 7