Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

A blonde is trying to climb a tree.
An onlooker asks "Why are you climbing that tree?"
Blonde: " I wish to eat apples".
"But its not an apple tree. That is a mango tree".
" I am carrying apples with me".

2006-12-11 01:54:40 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am weightless, but you can see me.
Put me in a bucket and i'll make it lighter
What am i?

2006-12-11 01:33:22 · 15 answers · asked by Kimi 1

what does a.i.d.s stand for ??????




















ready







axsehxle injected death sentence





apologizes if i offended any one

2006-12-11 01:29:17 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

u no like though of the day or summit (short enuf to use for messenger disply),,,, good jokes, humour, christmas,,, anything will do!!! the more idea the better,,, thnks ppl

2006-12-11 01:04:56 · 5 answers · asked by Angie 5

2006-12-11 00:49:26 · 20 answers · asked by Vulture38 6

What do you get when you pee up a rope?

2006-12-11 00:38:56 · 7 answers · asked by joewillyneckbone 2

2006-12-11 00:30:23 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

ive been fighting all day with soon to be x
if i dont laugh soon my head will explode

2006-12-11 00:18:53 · 19 answers · asked by nicname 5

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces .A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.

"This Guy was an retired banker, 60, took 10 viagra pills & died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the mortician.

The D.I. nods understandingly and is taken to the second dead man.
"This was an carpenter, 25, won 124 million dollars in the Power Ball, spent it all the booze. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the contended smile.
“Nothing unusual here.” thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.

"Ah," says the mortician,
"this is most unusual one, a tourist, 30, struck by lightning."
”Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken." replies the mortician.

2006-12-11 00:13:57 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound.
He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.
They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.
One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed.
About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.
The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a railroad tie."

2006-12-11 00:10:51 · 8 answers · asked by ♦ arc duke ♦ 3

An old couple were sorting out their Insurances and whilst reading through the small print discovered that they both required medicals.
The woman was first for her medical and off she went. The husband was at home when she returned and enquired about her medical.
“Oh! “ she says, “the usual stuff, weighing me, checking my blood sugar, fat index and, oh! He said I have a nice vag*na”
The husband spluttered into his cup of coffee and went mad saying that he’s never heard such sh1te from a doctor and when he goes for his medical he’s going to give him a piece of his mind.
When the old man gets to the doctors he’s really mad, so, when his medical is finished he confronts the doctor. The doctor, taken aback by the old mans anger asks him to explain himself.
‘When my wife came home yesterday from her medical she told me that you complimented her on her vag*na’.
“No, no, no, sir”,said the doctor,” she misunderstood, I told her that she had acute angina”.

2006-12-11 00:10:37 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can you work this out? It is genuinely from Henry VIII's time. The king's jester goes to him and says he can make the king's horse talk before the week is out. The king says "fine, but if you don't you will be executed". Jester says, "OK". The jester's friends are distraught, telling him "you are certain to die; no horse can talk, what's going to happen to you when the week is out?". The jester replies: "Well, either I will die, or the king will die, or the horse will talk!" Does anyone understand that???

2006-12-11 00:06:03 · 22 answers · asked by stevedukenew 2

My daughter came home singing it yesterday....
Teach it to every child you know this Christmas!!

Incy wincy spider climbed up the Christmas Tree,
Down came the snow and made poor Incy freeze...
Out came the sunshine and melted all the snow,
So Incy Wincy spider had another go.

;0)
HOW CUTE IS THAT!!

2006-12-11 00:04:15 · 14 answers · asked by Coley 4

A guy goes to a bar and has himself a good evening with his mates. Eventually everyone departs, except for this other guy slumped in a chair. He asks the barman if he knows the guy and gets a negative response.
He checks the guys pockets and finds his wallet which has his name and address in. It’s not too far from where he lives, so, to be helpful he tells the barman that he’ll assist him to get home. He pulls the guy from the chair and staggers to the door, he props the guy up whilst opening the door, as he does so the guy slides down to the floor.
He gets outside and hails a taxi, props the guy against the taxi whilst he opens the door, the guy slides down the side of the taxi and to the floor.
He eventually gets him to his house. Again he props the man up against the taxi whilst he pays, the other guy slides down the taxi to the floor.
He picks him up and gets him to his front gate, props him against the wall whilst he opens the gate, yep, you guessed, he slides down the wall to the floor.
Undaunted he gets the guy to his front door, rings the door bell and the other guy slides down the wall. A lady answers the door,
“Hi I’ve been to O’Riellys bar and your husband is a bit worse off for wear, so as a favour to the barman and, as I don’t live far away, I helped to get him home”. He says
The wife looked past him and said ‘Thanks very much, have you brought his wheelchair?’

2006-12-10 23:48:39 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this blonde, right? And she was not too clever, right? ...Cracking!

2006-12-10 23:13:10 · 16 answers · asked by stevedukenew 2

A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible", says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde."

"I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

2006-12-10 23:04:29 · 21 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

2006-12-10 23:02:01 · 7 answers · asked by specs appeal 4

A guy stumbles home completely plastered. He spends an hour trying to get the key into the lock, with no success, when a policeman happens to walk by. 'Is every thing alright sir?' asks the policeman. 'I can't seem to get my key in the damn door ocifer', slurs the man. The policeman helps him out with the key, and starts to go his way. 'Wait! wait!' shouts the drunk, 'I really appreciate it. Let me show you my house!', 'No thank you, sir I'll just be right on my way', says the policeman. 'I insist' presses the drunk, 'it'll only take a second, I really want to show you!'. So the policeman agrees, to keep the peace, and they go inside. They enter the living room. 'There's my TV, my stereo, and all that', says the man. 'That's nice', replies the policeman. They go through to the kitchen 'There's my microwave, the new refrigerator, pretty nice, eh?' boasts the man. 'Lovely' replies the policeman. Into the kids bedroom, 'those are my two baby boys', 'yes they look cute'. Finally they get through to the man's bedroom. 'And that's my wife, oh and that's me next to her'.

2006-12-10 23:00:29 · 19 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

To All Employees
From Management
Subject Office conduct during the Christmas season

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel
is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it
runs up an incredible long distance bill)

3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and
through the woods to Grandma's house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Eggnog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

2006-12-10 22:57:08 · 13 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

what do you call six sheep tied to a lamp post in austalia

a leisure centre

2006-12-10 22:56:41 · 13 answers · asked by angus r 5

3men waiting in the hospital for wives to give birth.All3 men had baby boys.1st man is a local Black man,lived in town.The 2nd man was a Rednick,lived in the country had 7 girls,this is first boy. Rednick proud,his name will carry on,couldn't wait to teach him manly thinks of life,hunting,fishing and such.The3rd man from up north and was traveling south on vacation whin wife went into labor.All3 men had a few hours to talk and get to know one another.Nurse steped in and asked the Rednick to come in nursery.He did and nurse begain to explane.NURSE- Mr.Smith im sorry,but whin i changed the boys bedding got them mixed up and dont know witch boy is yours.If you can identify your baby you and yours can go home with new boy."REDNECK- pick up a boy and look puzzled,then lays back down.Pecks up2nd boy,grits teeth lays it back down.Picks up Black baby ,startsto walk out.NURSE-is frantic-MrSmith are youshore youhave the right child? REDNECK-Im not taking any chances on getting stuckwith a YANKEE

2006-12-10 22:51:31 · 7 answers · asked by tdwatch 3

A baby toddler swallows a tiny magnet & the mother
rushes him to the emergency room.

"He'll be fine, he'll be fine" the doctor promised her,
"The magnet should pass through his system in a day or so but
I’d like to keep him over to ensure a speedy recovery."

The mother goes home & returns the next day
”Doctor, how’s my baby doing?” says the woman.
”Oh, he’s fine, he’s in the kitchen, It shouldn’t be too long now.”
”Eating?” says the woman.

"No, we stuck him on the refrigerator door & when he
falls off, we’ll have that magnet."

2006-12-10 22:45:51 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

blonde jokes:


A blonde is at home working on a "puzzle" then she calls her boyfriend.
Blonde "honey can you come over and help me with something?"

Boy friend "what's wrong?"

Blonde "im working on this puzzle and its really hard, can you help me out?"

Boyfriend "whats it supposed to be?"

Blonde "well according to the picture on the box its supposed to be a tiger."

So her boyfriend comes over to her house and sees the puzzle on the table

Boyfriend "honey, maybe you should lie down, have some tea, and then *sigh* lets put away the frosted flakes


A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"


A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it."

"Shut up," she says. "You’re next.


Mature Blonde

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No... it's because you're 25."



A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show with his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** on your knee."

2006-12-10 22:39:09 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the next number...1/2, 1, 3, 6, 12, 24, ?

2006-12-10 22:36:38 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant snobby son around his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"

He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.

The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."

2006-12-10 22:31:51 · 17 answers · asked by Underpants. 2

Australian man: Why is your beer like having sex in a canoe? English man: Dunno, why?
Australian man: It's f* cking close to water!

2006-12-10 22:30:43 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway. The brunette knows that they're speeding so she asks the blonde if there is a cop behind them.

The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop. She tells the brunette.

The brunette then asks if the cop has his lights on. The blonde replies, "Yes...no...yes...no...yes...no..."

2006-12-10 22:27:17 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?" "The son of a ***** called back."

2006-12-10 22:24:23 · 15 answers · asked by Underpants. 2

A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

2006-12-10 22:14:36 · 19 answers · asked by Underpants. 2

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

2006-12-10 22:05:27 · 18 answers · asked by Underpants. 2