Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

1) An old man goes to the doctor with penis problems and the doctor gives him a jar. "Go home and get some semen in here and I'll examine it later." So the man goes home, but when he comes back, the jar is empty. "Why didn't you do what I asked?" the doctor said.
"Well," the man said, "First I tried with my right hand. Then I tried with my left hand. That didn't work, so I asked my wife to try. She also tried with her right hand, then her left, and even with her mouth! But it didn't work. So we called our neighbor to come over and try, but..."
The doctor was amazed. "You asked your NEIGHBOR to try? Do you have no decency?"
The man continued, "But try as we might, we couldn't get the darn jar to open!"

2) A 90-year-old woman decides one day that she's seen enough of life, and decides to kill herself. She calls her doctor and asks him where a woman's heart is located, and discovers that (more in details...)

2006-12-10 17:05:41 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ladies, Does this cloth smell like chloroform to you? Be as descriptive as possible if time allows. It's not dirty I just want to see who has the wittiest response and story. Thanks! Take a big whiff if needed

2006-12-10 17:01:44 · 6 answers · asked by backinblackwod 1

2 hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
one sez " i think i've lost an electron!"
the other asks "are you sure?"
the first atom replies "i'm positive!"

2006-12-10 16:59:08 · 10 answers · asked by squatch 6

2006-12-10 16:47:16 · 23 answers · asked by Manak 1

He who builds it sells it, he who buys it doesn't use it, he who uses it doesn't know he's using it. What is it?

2006-12-10 16:45:23 · 9 answers · asked by y_qadash 2

2006-12-10 15:44:40 · 15 answers · asked by John S 3

Stupid people stories
YOU MEAN ME?

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

2006-12-10 15:42:57 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

just asking...

2006-12-10 15:37:12 · 17 answers · asked by u_olwez_hav_me 2

Riddle: a man and his son go mountain climbing.
while climbing both the father and his son fall.
the father is killed, his son survives, but is badly hurt.
when brought the the ER the Surgeon says "I can not operate on this boy, for he is my son"
How is this possible???

2006-12-10 15:36:58 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

But you have one kid with a love of bass ball, that would die if he dose not play. Would you move or stay. but you if you go you would less 1 million dollars.

2006-12-10 15:35:41 · 11 answers · asked by weyboom 2

2006-12-10 15:16:57 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a dead man with no clothing on, in the middle of the desert and all he has is a toothpick. How did he get there?

2006-12-10 15:13:17 · 9 answers · asked by weyboom 2

whe they got 10 8 whjat do all them mean

2006-12-10 15:12:19 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why do ducks have little webbed feet?

To stamp out little fires...

Why do elephants have big fat feet?

To stamp out flaming ducks!

2006-12-10 14:56:06 · 34 answers · asked by Lisa Bee 3

Who can come up with the best Kentucky joke?

2006-12-10 14:48:49 · 8 answers · asked by crash 3

If I would, I could
Then If I did, I should
But if I am, I ought
and if I say I'm caught
I am what I am and am
What I'm not. What am I?

2006-12-10 14:43:49 · 20 answers · asked by jimppanzee 2

I can't find his name out on my own.

One last night at about 3am i was watching this guy who i thought was very funny.

He was sort of an old guy, white, and skiny.

He mentioned a joke about how the futher somebody was away, the bigger the asshole they were.
for example a guy on a tv was a HUGE asshole but the person standing next to him was an 'asshole' (spoken quitly)

He also had a good bit about a Car, where the driver has to get out of the car on the street side, and about how hard it was to get into the car. he spoke about his car and said how the door had only 2 modes, 1 closed, and 2 WAY open.

PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-12-10 14:37:01 · 7 answers · asked by andrew5544 4

two flys on a fanny ones a burgler ones a junkie how can you tell them a part? well while the burgler is hiding in the bush's the junkies sniffing the crack...

2006-12-10 14:13:06 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two cockroaches were muching on rubbish in a drain when one said to the other."Have you been to the new restaurant down the street?It is so clean that the floor sparkles and there is this smell of cleanliness in the air!".Thats when the other roach replied,"EWWW!!!NOT WHEN IM EATING!!!!"

2006-12-10 13:59:02 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just want to see if people can answer.

2006-12-10 13:40:37 · 20 answers · asked by weyboom 2

2006-12-10 13:40:20 · 12 answers · asked by Deidrebm 1

there is a computer prank/joke where a dialog box pops up and you cannot close it. It gets funny as it keeps on torturing you. It will not go away. Can anyone help me find that prank?

2006-12-10 13:37:29 · 8 answers · asked by jamesac91 2

How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chick wood

2006-12-10 13:30:28 · 8 answers · asked by jn_dogs 1

A man walks into a diner and orders a bowl of soup, the waiter brings him his food and he notices she stuck her thumb in the soup, but he doesnt say anything, after he finishes his soup, he orders a bowl of chiley, and he notices she has her thumb in the chili. This time he asked her why she put her thumb in the soup.
"I have a health condition and I have to keep my thumb warm, so I put my thumb in your food"
Then the guy says "If you have to keep your finger warm, why dont you stick it up your a**" Then she says " I do that in the kitchen"

2006-12-10 13:25:27 · 11 answers · asked by jn_dogs 1

two hungry beggars were crossing the street when they saw maggots crawling over some cold rotten food on the street...since they were so hungry they wanted to eat it but there was only enough for one...the first beggar then told the second beggar to eat first seeing how much more desperate he is...shortly after the second beggar hungrily ate the maggots and cold rotten food up, he started to feel nausea and threw up on the floor...thats when the other beggar clapped excitedly and cheered,"YEAHHH JOY TO THE LORD!!!WARM FOOD AT LAST!!!!"

2006-12-10 13:18:41 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

i dont want to hurt this persons car!!! but i want something thats REALLY funny for me and her! i am already going to so silly string and washable spraypaint.

2006-12-10 13:18:20 · 18 answers · asked by no~name~needed 1

Which is the odd one out?

AIL
NOT
ROW
INCH
LOVER
THREAD

2006-12-10 13:17:56 · 11 answers · asked by RanJAH 3

yo momma soooo fattt when she sits around the house,SHE SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!!!!lol,huh???

yo momma soo fatttt when she was climbing in the tree,she got stuck in it cause she got stuck between 2 branches THEN IT BROKE CAUSE SHE WAS SOOO FATTT!!LOL huh,?????

yo momma soo fattt when she went 2 the beach in her bathing suit,the whales popped up said "WE ARE FAMILY!!!"

2006-12-10 13:14:18 · 19 answers · asked by butterfly_gurl_#1!!!!!!!=) :) =) 2

The mailman joke

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One night while the parent's were having sex a kid walked into the room and saw his parents having sex. The mother jumped up and exclaimed, go in your room billy, I will be right in there. After careful consideration, the father decided that it would be best if he went in and explained it to billy.

Billy, what we were doing is making you a baby brother. Oh goody, goody cried billy. The next morning as the father came down the stairs he found billy sitting at the bottom of the steps.

What are you doing up billy he asked. I am thinking about my baby brother said billy and with that his father left for work. Late that evening the father came in from work to find billy sitting on the steps but crying this time.

Why billy, what is wrong? This morning when I left you were happy about getting a baby brother and now you are crying. Well, I was happy daddy but then the mailman cam

2006-12-10 13:11:54 · 20 answers · asked by ScubaSteve 2

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

2006-12-10 13:04:22 · 13 answers · asked by asheslovesjoel 2