Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

alright starts of like this, bombs rain down like heavens tears, the earth shall die and dissapear, no bleeding hands god has parted, somethin like dat//// super coolio, there awesome, guess them!!!!

2006-12-10 10:38:39 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

little jethro went into the big city for the first time. as his father and him waited in a hotel lobby, they observed an elevator. both did not know what it did. his father noticed an old lady walk in, and a few second later, a beatiful young lady walk out. completely confused, jethro's dad said to him
"boy, go and get ur mother"

funny u like jokie?

2006-12-10 10:36:40 · 7 answers · asked by Mike P 1

on a window sill. One gets shot how many birds are left?

2006-12-10 10:36:28 · 16 answers · asked by carazysexycool 2

paddy says "my feet are freezing, will you nip up stairsand get my slippers, no bother says murphy and he runs up the stairs were he sees paddy's 19 year old twin daughters sitting on the bed, hello girls he said your dad sent me up here to s*ag ye both, f**K off you liar they said, ok i'll prove it you says murphy, so he shouts down the stairs "both of them paddy" paddy shouts "of course whats the use of f**k**g one

2006-12-10 10:35:44 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

this is another text message my mate sent wont make you laugh but might make you smile??
Old Chinese proverb,
Man with erection, walking sideways thruogh door sideways is always going to Bangkok!

2006-12-10 10:32:30 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

and their was absolutely no hope of rescue.. would you procreate with one of them to ensure that your ancestry continued..? Of course this applies to women only.. I personally would remain celibate!!

2006-12-10 10:26:12 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came..

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

2006-12-10 10:25:16 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-10 10:22:25 · 5 answers · asked by Benjovi 2

after 10 years of marriage sex with my wife is down to 3 times a year, the other man say's same here pal. as a matter of fact if my wife didn't sleep with her mouth open i'd have none at all

2006-12-10 10:20:38 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

i want to travel the world with my husband said the wife, two tickets for a luxury cruise appear in her hand, the husband says sorry love but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me, so the fairy waves her wnd and husband becomes 92 years old, the moral of the story: ungratful men should remember that fairys are woman

2006-12-10 10:17:02 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

someone who talks too much,and im stuck into listening to somthing I really dont care about.

2006-12-10 10:12:37 · 5 answers · asked by mr G 1

one by one she sh*g*ed them, finally it was the drivers turn, she gave him $20 instead, disapointed he said whats this for , for christmas she replied, my hubby said give the driver $20 and f**k the rest of them

2006-12-10 10:11:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes to a jumble sale and sees a parrot for sale for $1. She thinks it's too cheap to pass off, so she buys it, but is warned that it has a few choice phrases since it used to live in a brothel. She gets it home and it looks around and says "New house, new mistress!" The woman laughs and her two daughters come down to see what she was laughing at, the parrot says "new house, new mistress, two new whores" The girls are shocked, but they laugh it over and the husband walks in from work the parrot says "New house, new mistress, two new whores, hello Keith!"

2006-12-10 10:05:30 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

next day patrick walked out with his suitcase packed, his dad asked where you going son, patrick replied"i walked past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out then i heard her tell you to wait cause she,s coming too, and i'm not staying here on my own with an $80,000 morgage and no f**k**g bike

2006-12-10 09:55:25 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks down a street and there is two men fighting in the road and a little boy crying on the wall.the man walks over to him and asks why he is crying.he replies 'my daddys fighting', the man asks 'which 1 is ur daddy'? the boy then replies 'i dont know thats what the fight is about'!

2006-12-10 09:49:07 · 17 answers · asked by cfcbluesgirl 3

I need a cute joke I can tell my day-camp kids tomorrow.

2006-12-10 09:45:29 · 14 answers · asked by Sarya D 1

a women says to her husband, the tap in the kitchen needs fixing, the man says do i look like a plumber, she says the door has come of that cabinet , the man says do i lokk like a carpenter, then she says the the vacume cleaner isnt working , the man says do i look like an electrician, he says im of down the pub ill have a word with the lads see what they say , when he comes back all the jobs have been done , the man says who's fixed all this , the women says i got big john from next door to do it , the man says how did you pay him , the women says well i offered him a cake or a ********, the man says or i know how big john likes his cakes, the women says do i look like a baker

2006-12-10 09:42:59 · 25 answers · asked by jericho sland 4

An Octopus walks into a bar and says
"I can play ANY musical instrument you like "
Englishman gives him a guitar which he plays better than Hendrix.
Irishman gives him a piano which he plays better thanElton.
Scotsman throws him a set of bag pipes.
The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes and the Scotsman said..
"Whats wrong can ye no play it?"
The octopus says "play it?- im gunna **** her brains out once i get her pyjamas off!"
He he i love it, what do you think?

2006-12-10 09:40:11 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

When I was younger I hated going to weddings ... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that crap after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

2006-12-10 09:34:37 · 10 answers · asked by yasminrules17 4

Baby looks up at his mum and says "mum, what kind of bear am i ?" his mum says "why you're a polar bear son" and baby says " im not a brown bear or a grizzly bear or a kodiak bear or a spect...no no no shouts mum you're a POLAR BEAR why do you keep asking?" and baby says 'cos im f*cking freezing!!"

2006-12-10 09:29:52 · 18 answers · asked by abraxas5597 2

A woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course you may. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Laughing, the Officer said "God bless you, go ahead!"

2006-12-10 09:28:33 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President.

"It's the Abortion Bill, Mr. President - what do you want to do about it?"

"Just go ahead and pay it."

2006-12-10 09:28:08 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok a man is dead in a room filled with bycycles
after he had won a game of poker why?

best answer in 1 hour gets 10 pts!
feel free to answer afterwords

2006-12-10 09:24:40 · 9 answers · asked by Jane Doe 2

women who gives advice in a newspaper recieves a letter one day, it says dear joan im worried my son might be growing a marajuana plant in the kitchen,what should i do , joan responds in the paper, dear ethel ,what you need to do is take some of leaves mix them with some tobacoo , roll it into a cigarette and smoke it, if after that your still worried then its a sunflower plant

2006-12-10 09:24:28 · 12 answers · asked by jericho sland 4

Two ladies were talking in Heaven:
1st woman: "Hi! My name is Wanda."
2nd woman: "Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?"
1st woman: "I froze to death.."
2nd woman: "How horrible!"
1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"
2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: "So, what happened then?"
2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."
1st woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive!"

2006-12-10 09:22:20 · 11 answers · asked by a m 4

one who's wife had just died and the other who just junked his row boat. One day an elderly lady wanted to offer her condolences to the widower but she got the wrong brother.
When she told him how sorry she was, he answered.

"Thanks but I was getting tired of her anyway. Hell, I had to scrape her bottom every week, she was smelly and starting to rot, she had a hole that leaked and was getting bigger all the time. I use to let friends borrow her on the weekends and that's what did her in. Three guys tried to get in her at the same time and just split her."

2006-12-10 09:13:38 · 12 answers · asked by al p 3

2006-12-10 09:12:36 · 12 answers · asked by badara_2010 1

a man goes home and finds his wife in bed with a midget , he says i thought you werent going to be unfaithfull again, his wife says , well im cutting down arnt i

2006-12-10 09:12:30 · 17 answers · asked by jericho sland 4

check out www.frvade.com
its an online riddle with over 50 levels and its annoyingly addictive let me know what ya think (ps im on level 50d and cant get any further !!!)

2006-12-10 09:10:04 · 11 answers · asked by LISA P 2

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

2006-12-10 09:05:45 · 20 answers · asked by yasminrules17 4