Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

2006-12-10 07:26:34 · 14 answers · asked by Diarmaid S 1

deep within the forest a turtle began to climb a tree, After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped in the air, waved his front legs and came crashing to the ground, After recovering he slowly climed the tree again, jumped and fell to the ground. mamma bird up in the tree said

Do you think its time dear that we told him he's adopted.

2006-12-10 07:24:33 · 27 answers · asked by chris w. 7

Why?

2006-12-10 07:19:43 · 5 answers · asked by Paranormal I 3

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

2006-12-10 07:13:39 · 47 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Ten points to the funniest reply


Mine is: until you have to put your foot in the commode and pee down your leg to keep from making noise.

2006-12-10 07:03:26 · 5 answers · asked by Mad Roy 6

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did you husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

2006-12-10 07:01:56 · 23 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

does anyone know any good yo mama jokes that aren't common?

2006-12-10 07:01:22 · 7 answers · asked by mynameis________ 1

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

2006-12-10 06:57:45 · 19 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

2006-12-10 06:57:16 · 2 answers · asked by SEMOUR DICK 1

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.' 'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.' Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda.

Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.

So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'Just for that, I'm not ******* going.'

2006-12-10 06:53:21 · 29 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Lady scolds her maid for inefficiency. Angry maid says, "At least I am better than you in bed."
Lady (amazed): "Did the Duke tell you this?"
Maid: "No, the driver did."

2006-12-10 06:50:08 · 11 answers · asked by mefussa 2

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.

Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor..

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

I'm as sober as a judge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.

2006-12-10 06:48:41 · 26 answers · asked by chris b 4

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. "Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. She replies, "Ours is prettier."

2006-12-10 06:47:01 · 17 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Three men were flying in a plane, when they decided to drop stuff on the town they were flying over. One dropped a book, one dropped a brick, and one dropped a bomb, just for fun. They then landed, to survey the damage they caused. The first thing they saw was a small child, crying and holding a book. Then they saw another small child, crying and holding a brick. Then they saw a small child laughing his head off.
"What's so funny?" they asked him.

"It was great," he said. "I farted and my neighbor's house blew up."

2006-12-10 06:44:37 · 11 answers · asked by cindykins 2

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.
He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"
"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

2006-12-10 06:43:28 · 20 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

This is an 11 question IQ test I found to be extremely interesting... 10 points to whoever gets the most right or has the most creative answers!

1-Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2-How many birth days does the average man have?
3-Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
4-In baseball, how many outs are there in an inning?
5-Can a California man legally marry his widow's sister?
6-Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
7-If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
8-A farmer has 17 sheep standing in a field and all but 9 drop down and die. How many are left standing?
9-How many members of each animal did Moses take on the ark?
10-A butcher is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?
11-How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?

Good luck!

2006-12-10 06:33:47 · 26 answers · asked by THeFaCeiNTHeMaSK 2

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

2006-12-10 06:30:47 · 7 answers · asked by chris b 4

she took it to a weddin'
tied it to the vicars gate
and kicked it's fcuking head in

2006-12-10 06:27:16 · 16 answers · asked by t00t5 2

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's ****.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

2006-12-10 06:25:09 · 8 answers · asked by chris b 4

come my friend says the bartender, what can be that bad that you order 6 shots of tequila. i just found out my 1st son is gay...he said. Oh God... so the bartender gave him the shots. 2 weeks later same man, same bar,12 shots of tequila, come now said the bartender surly nothing is this bad that you order 12 shots of tequila. I just found out my 2nd soon is gay. Oh God said the bartender and gave him the 12 shots. 2 weeks went by and the man walked in again and ordered 24 shots. oh no said the bartender what is it this time. Does no one in your house eat P.u.s.s.y,
oh yes said the man i just found out my daughter does.

2006-12-10 06:22:58 · 15 answers · asked by chris w. 7

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

2006-12-10 06:22:54 · 11 answers · asked by chris b 4

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

2006-12-10 06:22:49 · 15 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

2006-12-10 06:20:55 · 3 answers · asked by STORMY K 3

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

2006-12-10 06:20:10 · 3 answers · asked by terrianna101 2

ok here my jokie

a husband and his wife were golfing on at an exquisite golf resort. on the final hole, the husband puts a little too much into a shot and sends it through the window of a house. a rich looking man in a turban comes out. the wife and husband immediately apologize "we are so sorry we will pay for all of it sorry sorry", but the man says: "i am a genie that has been trapped in that house for a long time, you have freed me. as a reward i will grant u one wish". the husband and wife decide that they want one million dollars. the genie says, ok "i have just deposited 1000000 dollars into your bank account". thank thank you! say the wife and husband. then the genie says "but first, u must let ur wife kiss me". the husband doesn't really like it, but he agrees. after a long passionate sexy kiss, the genie says "wow, how old are you?!".
"31", the wife replies.
"and you still believe in genies?"

that my jokie u like u like?

2006-12-10 06:17:43 · 4 answers · asked by Tristyn 1

Two Hillbillies in Arkansas were having the blue plate special (Road Kill) at their favorite diner, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a burger too fast. The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta' hep?" "I reckon," said the second hillbilly.
The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Kin yew talk?" he asked.

She again shook her head no.

With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever'time".

2006-12-10 06:17:13 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

he sits down at the bar and pops a handful of peanuts into his mouth, Just then he heard a voice. Oh nice tie, is it silk, you look good, he looks around and see's no one.. with a shrug he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth when he hears, oh nice shoes, are they Italian leather, they look great, He glances around nervously and crams a few more nuts into his mouth.Oh what a style guru you are, what a lovely suit, is it Armani. Waiter please help me , am i going crazy, a voice keeps telling me my tie, my shoes, my suit all look good.
oh no, the waiter said its the peanuts. The Peanuts! the man said.
Yeah said the waiter, they are complimentery.....

2006-12-10 06:11:27 · 21 answers · asked by chris w. 7

MONKEY SICK!!!!

2006-12-10 06:08:21 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

halo everyone dies because of me

2006-12-10 06:07:33 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Since so many people were going to heaven God told St. Peter he could only allow 1/3 of the people who died into heaven. Three people appeared almost simultaniously, so St. Peter said great I'll just listen to all three of your stories, decide which is the most solemn and let that person go to heaven. The first guy says, "I live on the 20th floor of an apartment building and I heard my wife was cheating on me so I came home early today. My wife was in the shower so I started looking everywhere for the man, but couldn't find him. I went out on the balcony to consider my life when I saw the son of a ***** hanging on to the edge so I jumped on his hand, but he didn't fall so I got a hammer and crushed them, but as he fell he landed in some bushes so I took my refridgerator and pushed it off the edge. I felt so bad afterwards a killed myself." The second man said, "Well I had just settled down in my new apartment on the 27th floor when I stumbled and my new book went flying over the

2006-12-10 06:02:16 · 9 answers · asked by txsaxman91 3