Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

Dashing through the snow
On a pair of broken skiis
O're the trees we go
Smashing all the way!
The snow is turning red
I think I'm almost dead
The next thing I know I'm in the hospital
There are stiches in my head!

Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride on a pair of broken skiis! (2x)

Joke number 2: Number one: GET A CALCULATOR. A girl weighed 69 lbs. She thought she weighed too too too much. She visited a doctor on 51st street.

You should have on your calculator: 6922251

She met a doctor named x8.

You should have 6922251 x 8

Multiply it and turn your calculator upside down. The next morning, the girl was.... ________________





1. What would you rate each joke?
2. Would you tell your friends these jokes?
Thanx

2006-12-10 12:55:51 · 18 answers · asked by Smooth as butter on a kitten! 2

ok i need sum funny jokes they can be rude or nasty or ur mama jokes or anything just sumthing thatz insulting or funny it can even be about sum1 anything just make it funny~~~? thx:)

2006-12-10 12:54:32 · 5 answers · asked by Elizabeth M 1

There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

2006-12-10 12:38:37 · 17 answers · asked by asheslovesjoel 2

2006-12-10 12:32:52 · 9 answers · asked by shay 1

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

2006-12-10 12:28:35 · 35 answers · asked by asheslovesjoel 2

First Christmas Story of the Season











A Christmas Story


'Twas the night before Christmas... Old Santa was pissed.


He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.


Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!


I've busted my *** for damn near a year,


Instead of "Thanks Santa"... what do I hear?


The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.


The elves want more money... The reindeer all fight.


Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.


Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.


And just when I thought that things would get better


Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,


They say I owe taxes... if that ain't funny


Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?


And the kids these days... they all are the pits


They want the impossible... Those mean little shits


I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds


Assembling dolls... Their arms, legs and heads


I made a ton of yo yo's... No request for them,


They want computers and robots... they think I'm IBM!


Flying through the air... dodging the trees


Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees


I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment


I'll sit on my fat *** and draw unemployment.


There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,


I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

2006-12-10 12:25:51 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

the way they move their bellys?

2006-12-10 12:24:20 · 12 answers · asked by Belly-Stabber 1

A man goes into a bar,he has a steering wheel down his pants,after he orders a couple of drinks,the barman says,excuse me sir,why have you got a steering wheel down your pants,the man replies,dunno mate,but its been driving me nuts all day.

2006-12-10 12:19:04 · 13 answers · asked by mark 1

3 P in a HG (quantagory)

2006-12-10 12:12:56 · 15 answers · asked by Mila 2

A mysterious gypsy vendor lays out some coins. Each coin has a different letter on it laid out in the following order:


A C E L R N T U I S T Y N D E I L E R A R N A U M W O H A R R G D C I N G

"When you arrange these coins properly, it will spell out a question to which you must find the answer," the vendor advised you.

What is the answer?

2006-12-10 12:11:48 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A prosperous and somewhat amorous businessman propositioned a beautiful chorus girl of well-proportioned figure to spend the night with him for $500.

When he was ready to leave the next morning, certain things having transpired, he told her he didn't have that much money with him, but would have his secretary mail her a check for it, made out with a memo of RENT FOR APARTMENT, to avoid any embarrassment.

On the way to the office, however, after thinking the matter over carefully, he decided the night hadn't been worth what he’d agreed to pay. As a result, he had his secretary send a check for $250 instead, and enclosed the following explanatory note:

Dear Madam:

"Enclosed is a cheque for the amount of $250 for rent on your apartment. I am sending this amount instead of the amount originally agreed upon, because when I rented this apartment, I was under the impression that...

1. It had never been occupied
2. There was plenty of heat
3. It was small

2006-12-10 12:07:12 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

this is a joke that sounds better told by a friend then read on a computer or paper but u guys should easily get it, lol

You're the Bus Driver...
You pick up 67 students, then drop off 56...
You pick up 90 students, then drop off 34...
You pick up 134 students, then drop off 56...
" " " 23 students, " " " 45...
" " " 45 students, " " " 23...
" " " 67 students, " " " 56
" " " 1234 students, " " " 789..
" " " 456 students, " " " 455...
What Color Are The Bus Driver's Eyes???

2006-12-10 12:03:01 · 11 answers · asked by LittleBit 3

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amaz

2006-12-10 11:51:18 · 10 answers · asked by Mike 3

i feel depressed and i need a laugh so tell me a joke and a couple of spaces down tell me why its funny adn the one that makes me laugh the most wins

2006-12-10 11:48:19 · 24 answers · asked by ichiro 1

A young virgin man goes into a drug store to buy a box of condoms as he thinks he is going to get lucky on his date. He picks up a box and very shyly askes the clerk how much they are, the clerk tells him they are $5.00, so the young man decides to get them and when they are rung up the clerk asks for $5.37. "What",yells the young man,"I thought you said they were $5.00"
"Yes," says the clerk,"The .37 cents is for tax."
"TACKS??? I thought you rolled them on."

2006-12-10 11:47:55 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I
come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex
obsessed pig, she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't
speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '."

bet ur gonna read this again! lol

2006-12-10 11:44:51 · 34 answers · asked by a m 4

2006-12-10 11:42:45 · 23 answers · asked by Mad Eng 2

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

2006-12-10 11:42:35 · 5 answers · asked by asheslovesjoel 2

A blonde was sick and tired of people making fun of her for being a blonde, so she decided to hang herself.

A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.

"What are you doing." they ask her.

So she replies "Hanging myself."

The men are confused and asked "If you are hanging youself, you put the rope around your neck."

The blond says "Duh....I tried that, I couldn't breath."

2006-12-10 11:39:30 · 8 answers · asked by Mike 3

There are monsters under my bed
All over and around my head
Making noises here and there
Chills and chills through out my hair
"Have a good night hun."
"Hope we don't see your bones in the morning son."
Oh great thanks a lot dad
You really made me feel glad
Trying to sleep not haveing fun
Both my eyelids weighing a ton
1 o'clock, 2o'clock, 3 o'clock, 4
Please someone open my door
5 o'clock, 6 o'clock, 7 o'clock, 8
I hope I live through this date
Finally someone opens my door
Suddenly I am no more!

2006-12-10 11:37:41 · 12 answers · asked by delvkm 2

2006-12-10 11:34:38 · 19 answers · asked by SmartAce 3

The boy stood on the burning deck
his feet as black as charcoal
put his head between his legs
and whistled up his ********

2006-12-10 11:28:50 · 18 answers · asked by mark 1

Leonardo Di Capri :"Yes,I Do"
Pornstar Recruiter: "Okay,Drop your pants,git it hard,let's see what we're workin with."
Leonardo Di Capri does,.....
Pornstar Recruiter:I'm sorry sir,...But it's not gonna work out for you.....

2006-12-10 11:17:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-10 11:11:28 · 3 answers · asked by $Sun King$ 7

1.what force and strength cannot get through i whit a gentle touch can do and many on the street would stand were not i a friend at hand?
2.only one color,but not one size,stuck at the bottom,yet easily flies.
present in sun,but not in rain.doing no harm,feeling no pain?

2006-12-10 11:05:08 · 7 answers · asked by Cowgurl?? 1

“Customer.’ Look out, man! You’re spilling the wine. My glass is half empty.
Waiter,’ Don’t worry sir, the bottle’s half full. We can’t have lost any.

2006-12-10 10:58:17 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil.
"You're on my list but I have no room for you.As you definitely have to stay here,
So I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room.

In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said."I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer
and don't think I could stay in hot water all day."

The devil led him to the next room.In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a
room full of rocks.All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder.I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.

The devil opened a third door.

In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
spread-eagle pose.

Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,

"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said,"Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

2006-12-10 10:52:51 · 23 answers · asked by a m 4

A friend and I made this up on the way back from speech meet...i hope that it is at least okay!

So a lawyer and his friend are driving in a car. They drive about halfway down this particular block and the lawyer lets out a very dirty word. The friend asks, "What happend?" And the lwayer replies, "I just passed the bar."

I know that it is pretty corny and fairly stupid, but if there is any hope for it please tell me!

2006-12-10 10:48:07 · 13 answers · asked by bass_god_09 2

I want to know if I am a vampire.

From an early age I have had nightmares about bats. Now I have overcome my fears. Infact I dress as a bat quiet often.

I don't find I have an urge to suck blood, but I like to suck bodily fluids of all kinds (yes i am a freak).

I also have deep sexual desires, with both men, women and bats .

How do I know if I am a vampire. Besides the fact that I live in a cave, drive a fast car that looks like a bat, have sexual fantasies about bats and dress like a bat, I am relativly normal.

I also have the overwhelming desire to fight crime, I am like Casper the friendly ghost. But I am a bat and fight crime.

Please help me, I need to know the truth.

2006-12-10 10:40:58 · 35 answers · asked by foxmoon 2

Picture this yeh..

A man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He then filled his bed with loads of crap and was so embarrassed.

Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing, and swinging his arms wildly which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?" Still staring down, the drunk replied, "I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"

2006-12-10 10:40:51 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous