Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

"Robin... get in the Batmobile".

2006-12-10 22:03:34 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Earn 2 points for each joke.
Best Joke voted by "The Users Choice" WINS 10 pts!

Have FUN! :o)

2006-12-10 22:01:07 · 8 answers · asked by LovesMath 3

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods
searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with
hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm
chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's
decorated or not!"

2006-12-10 21:56:29 · 20 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting... just anyting you want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want... numba 69!" More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wif Broccori?

2006-12-10 21:56:17 · 12 answers · asked by Underpants. 2

The bartender says,
"What is this? Some kind of joke?"

2006-12-10 21:44:30 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at
the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present
something "Christmassy" to show they remember the holiday, or off to hell
they go.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed
in.

The second man presents a candy cane, so he too is allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent
Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."

2006-12-10 21:25:00 · 18 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

This man entered a restaurant, as he sat down he knocked the spoon off the table accidentally. Then a nearby waiter, pulled out a clean spoon from his pocket and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do you all carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out, he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do, the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my manhood. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to it out, go, and return to work. Since I don't actually touch myself, no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

2006-12-10 21:22:52 · 12 answers · asked by Pd 6

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and
felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect
life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says
we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice
man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took
my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my *** on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets
on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold it probably
won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed,
pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire
Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he
says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says
she did but I think she's damn well lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
***** who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour
and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents,
but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I
hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE ***** is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother . 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

2006-12-10 21:17:54 · 7 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in His son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive".
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$ 10.00 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110..00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

2006-12-10 21:14:53 · 11 answers · asked by seamanspraying 2

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
Olive ?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

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Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

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Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

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How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
They both have ornamental balls.

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What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

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What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?
Snowballs.

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Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

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The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"

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During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came to an adjournment and left for their hotel. In the lobby of the hotel several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging, "I could beat Karpov with no problem".
"Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time."
"That's nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!"
Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel.
But why?" a bystander asked.
"Because," the manager replied "I hate ..."chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!"

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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?"
Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." and Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this. and Robert said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

2006-12-10 21:11:30 · 16 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations. The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa--filled with rage--threw open the door. Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?"

2006-12-10 21:10:09 · 11 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

2006-12-10 20:53:24 · 3 answers · asked by whay i lost my ?s 6

Top Ten Things American Indians Can Say To a White Person

1. How much white are you?

2. I am part white myself, you know.

3. I learned your peoples ways in the Boy Scouts.

4. My great-great grandmother was a full-blood
white princess.

5. Funny, you do not look white.

6. Where is your powered wig and knickers?

7. Do you live in a covered wagon?

8. What is the meaning behind the square dance?

9. What is your feeling about river boat casinos?
Do casinos help your
people, or are they a short-term fix?

10. Hey, can I take your picture?

2006-12-10 20:45:14 · 11 answers · asked by Sherry 3

2006-12-10 20:43:38 · 38 answers · asked by deepa r 1

An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything. He replied, "Oh no, thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol".

The elderly doctor promptly handed back his gin and tonic to the air-hostess said, "Madam, I did not know there was a choice."

2006-12-10 20:37:39 · 16 answers · asked by Pd 6

It's 9.34 on a wet, dismal and cold Monday morming, (Guess where I am......!) Cheer me up....Go on give it your best shot....

2006-12-10 20:33:49 · 18 answers · asked by dawn 3

A frog is at the bottom of a 13 ft well. Each day the frog climbs 2 ft and slides back down 1 ft. How many days would it take for the frog to get out of the well?

2006-12-10 20:31:49 · 8 answers · asked by Sherry 3

Answer:::Yankee

2006-12-10 20:27:09 · 6 answers · asked by tdwatch 3

There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Right??

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

2006-12-10 20:25:13 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-10 20:21:38 · 1 answers · asked by vid 1

this is your moment to shine!

2006-12-10 19:56:58 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-10 19:56:52 · 9 answers · asked by robdent31 2

2006-12-10 19:50:32 · 16 answers · asked by blingding 5

"the joke is too long...sorry."THE JOKE IS MEANT TO BE LONG.how are we suppose to make it shorter?!??!

2006-12-10 19:45:58 · 8 answers · asked by ♣valentine melons♣ 4

The Bronx Black Gospel Church

A preacher was heavy into a sermon when a man at the back shouts
"Lock the doors' and don't a mutha f#cka move!"

Startled, preacher said "Whoa, who's that interrupting my sermon?"
The dude stood up & said,
"I did. Some bro in here dang lifted my wallet!”
“Man, I had it right here in my @ss pocket n’ now it's gone."

The preacher said "Well I can understand you getting upset, but I don't
see why you had to interrupt my sermon.”
“And besides that, where did you say you had it?"
"Right here in my @ss pocket." He said

The preacher said "Well, it's your own fault my brother.”
“You should have been carrying it in your inside coat pocket like I ..I....
Dang ! Lock the door' & don't a mutha f#cka move!"

(No offense Intended- just a joke people!)

2006-12-10 19:37:01 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-10 19:33:57 · 17 answers · asked by robdent31 2

...a comedian, went up stage and everyone started laughing, will you back off?

2006-12-10 19:21:40 · 11 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.


"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares ... Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

2006-12-10 19:17:32 · 18 answers · asked by abcd 2

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night. He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out, BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE

2006-12-10 18:54:28 · 16 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

two ***** went to see a movie on the way to the movie the first dick said to the other i hope its not a sex movie so we dont have to stand up all the time

2006-12-10 18:51:16 · 17 answers · asked by shasho 1