Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous
day. The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with
my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She
tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth
out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she
tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was
shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep.
None of us could get the jar open".

2006-12-11 06:13:05 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

who or what are the old ones & what are they best at.

2006-12-11 06:06:17 · 23 answers · asked by Because I Said So 7

2006-12-11 06:01:44 · 25 answers · asked by Bella 1

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his
girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes
and yells "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and sa ys, "G'day Bruce.
Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He sa ys "Strewth
Sheila .... Not only are you a great shag but you're a real sport too. "
And drives off.

2006-12-11 05:57:56 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town, as they left
the night-club, Kylie slipp ed and got her head stuck between the
railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full
advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to
one side and gave her a good seeing to.

"Its your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie but Will started crying.
Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?" Will sobbed

"My head won't fit between the railings"

2006-12-11 05:55:49 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-11 05:53:05 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes to las vegas for two weeks without his wife, he starts feeling horny and misses the way a women feels... so he goes up to a prostitute and asks "How much for a hand job" the prostitute replys $500 "wow says the man thats to expensive she goes "You see that casino over there i own that b,coz i give the best hand jobs ever. So the man hands her $500 and admitidly that was the best hed ever had.

He then asks "how much for a B**w job" She replys $1500 again the bloke says WHAT!!!! So she points out another bigger and better casiono and says"see that casino i own that coz i give the best B**w jobs in the world" so the man pays her $1500 and was amazed by her teqniques.

Then he asks her how much for full blown sex

She points to the whole of las vegas and says


"You see the rest of las vegas....that would be mine if i had a Pu**y"

lolololol

2006-12-11 05:47:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-11 05:42:29 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

read some answers without ™CLARABELLE™ answerng "Great" to every answer? she dosent even read the question/joke she has sent thousands of answers just with the word "great" it really gets on my t!ts, and what's all that TM trade mark all about? does she really think that other peole want to copy her? jezzz

2006-12-11 05:39:25 · 10 answers · asked by ka_ka_lah 2

Sock Puppets!

2006-12-11 05:39:03 · 10 answers · asked by All I have to do is dream... 4

1) My sole desire for the Yuletide season is receipt of a pair of these.

2) Celestial messengers from splendid empires.

3) The event occurred at one minute after 11:59 with good visiblity.

4) Ornament the enclosure with large sprigs of a berry-bearing evergreen.

5) Testimony of witness to maternal parents' indiscretion with Kris Kringle.

6) In a distant bovine diner.

7) Village of expectations of a Yuletide emissary.

8) The antlered quadraped with the cerise proboscis.

9) Miniature Nazarene village.

10) Anticipation of this Noel's momentos: Nil

11) The approach of the Holiday commemorating the birth of Christ is becoming evident.

12) May Jehovah grant unto you hilarious males' retirement.

13) Those of you who are true come home.

14) Are you detecting the same aural sensations I am?

15) From dark 'til dawn, soundless and sanctimonious.

16) The diminutive male of less than adult age who plays a percussion instrument.

2006-12-11 05:25:24 · 12 answers · asked by Yo 1

It names like 30 different candies, all with sexual references.
Does anyone know it?
Or know where I can find it?

2006-12-11 04:55:56 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man lay dead in the middle of the desert, he has no obvious injuries (cuts, blood, etc). Next to him is a softball-sized rock. how did he die?

2006-12-11 04:52:08 · 17 answers · asked by SmartAce 3

does anyone know what website it is that is a game of riddles. i know for level one it tells you to change the url, so you enter level2 somewhere in the url. anyway, i know the website is something like vfdersg.com or something. they guy said he blindfolded himself and typed with his left hand and thats how he got the name. anyway, please let me know if you know.
thanks.

2006-12-11 04:46:43 · 5 answers · asked by ? 3

Is it
A: Apple
B:Orange
C:Avacado
or D:Bannana

2006-12-11 04:43:02 · 23 answers · asked by pompey's number 1 fan 2

a penisbutter & belly sandwich!

2006-12-11 04:32:05 · 8 answers · asked by Grá 3

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries his wife

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering in the wardrobe.

"You jerk," yells the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

2006-12-11 04:28:14 · 11 answers · asked by al p 3

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read!

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I can't enjoy a good Latte from Starbucks anymore because they WOULD NOT send any coffee to that poor Army Sgt who requested it. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan

I no longer worry about sudden cardiac arrest, since I can now cough myself back to life instead of wasting time calling 911.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician, who is a lawyer.

2006-12-11 04:24:18 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"

The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.

The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over a bucket and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting... "Don't flush, don't flush!"

2006-12-11 04:21:43 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word he strutted into the hen house. Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy. The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy"...."Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

2006-12-11 04:21:34 · 6 answers · asked by al p 3

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Wipe that smile off your face.

2006-12-11 04:19:47 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

priorities was to have the tunnel leading to the wine cellar wired. Manny, the electrician, had just finished the basement wiring but had failed to label which of the 3 switches belonged to the wine cellar. Mr. Lee had a small flashlight that would enable him to find the wine room, however, he didn't like the thought of returning for an after dinner port armed with only a small light. Knowing he would be back, Mr. Lee wanted to be certain he could correctly label which switch belonged to the wine room with only ONE trip. How could he manage?

2006-12-11 04:19:39 · 4 answers · asked by Nemesis: Your worst nightmare 5

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer)

2. (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." - Bruce Willis

3. "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" - George Burns

4. "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" - Sandra Bullock

5. "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'" -Jason Alexander (from Seinfeld)

6. "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." -Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)

7. "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." - Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)

8. "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Dan Rather (News anchorman)

9. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" - Arnold Schwarzenegger

10. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." - Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")

11. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods

12. "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." - Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

13. "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

14. "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Rev. Jesse Jackson

15. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b****." - Jack Nicholson

2006-12-11 04:17:08 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-11 04:16:15 · 84 answers · asked by pepsicola 2

Or is it a halal-meat bank? LOL

2006-12-11 04:16:05 · 14 answers · asked by kate moss - the chameleon 1

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them--- Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

2006-12-11 04:13:10 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY

GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS

2006-12-11 04:10:26 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

THE RULES
The FEMALE always makes THE RULES
The Rules are subject to change without prior notification
No MALE could possibly know all The Rules
If the Female suspects the MALE knows all The Rules she must immediately change some or ALL of The Rules
The FEMALE is NEVER wrong
If the FEMALE is ever wrong it’s due to a misunderstanding of The Rules which was the direct result of something the MALE said or did wrong
The MALE must apologies immediately for causing the said misunderstanding
The FEMALE can change her mind at any time
The MALE must never change his mind without the express consent of the FEMALE
The FEMALE has every right to be upset or angry at any time
The MALE must remain calm at all times unless the FEMALE drives him to be angry or upset
The FEMALE must, under no circumstances, let the MALE know whether or not she wants him angry or upset
THE MALE IS EXPECTED TO MIND READ AT ALL TIMES
The MALE who doesn’t abide by The Rules can’t take the heat and lacks backbone is a wimp
Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm
The FEMALE is ready when she is ready
The MALE must be ready at all times
IF THE FEMALE HAS PMT THE RULES BECOME NULL AND VOID

2006-12-11 04:09:20 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking out the trash, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"

13. Definition of a teen-ager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

15. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

16. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping." Now I just "chunky dunk."

17. The early bird still has to eat worms.

18. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

19. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

20. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

22. My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.

23. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

24. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

25. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor.

26. Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever

2006-12-11 04:08:14 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-11 04:05:31 · 7 answers · asked by jcutiealwayz_11 1