Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

2006-12-11 10:27:19 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

One room in my house is completely closed off. the shades are pulled and the door is closed. Inside the room is a floor lamp that is pluged into one outlet. Outside the room in the hall is a set of three light swicthes. I can olny enter the room once and i can go all the way inside if i want to. How can i tell which of the three swicthes turns on the light????

2006-12-11 10:22:07 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

This lady leaves her shopping bags in her car, she makes sure she shuts all the windows tightly. she locks all her doors. she goes in for a nap. when she comes back all her bags and her car is gone. the thief did not have keys or tools only his bear hands! ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

2006-12-11 10:21:05 · 8 answers · asked by ? 2

A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry and was not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time.

2006-12-11 10:14:45 · 24 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

bTwo sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

2006-12-11 10:12:36 · 18 answers · asked by a m 4

and the groom tells his mate how worried he is about trying to please his bride on the first night, his pal said I tell you what you book a hotel with an adjoining room & if you have any problems you can call out & i'll give you advice, anyway the big night arrives & the plan is put into action,when they get to the hotel room the groom goes to brush his teeth, suddenly the bride is overcome with the need for the tiolet but too embarressed to go in front of her new hubby takes a dump in a shoe box & pushes it under the bed, the groom comes back into the room & as he goes to get into bed steps in the box, he shouts out "oh God this box is full of sh*t " & from next door the shout comes " TURN HER OVER "

2006-12-11 10:11:18 · 22 answers · asked by Because I Said So 7

to the middle of a field, when he gets there he is going to die
he is still going why?

2006-12-11 09:51:03 · 7 answers · asked by t00t5 2

It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump
off. His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job
and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank.

Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to
jump, Father Christmas (Santa Claus) taps him on the shoulder.

"Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas.

The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.
"Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant
you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that
you will grant me a small favour in return!"

"Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!... Thank
you, thank you!" Father Christmas promises him that :-

1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in
her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for
your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.

2006-12-11 09:49:06 · 23 answers · asked by a m 4

2006-12-11 09:48:50 · 30 answers · asked by cprman@sbcglobal.net 1

the ceiling is 10 foot high, ther is a puddle of water underneath him, how did he hang himself?

2006-12-11 09:47:43 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man. looking at a painting, says to himself: ''Brothers and sisters have I none, but that man's father is my father's son.'' Who is the subject of the painting?

2006-12-11 09:41:23 · 16 answers · asked by Chris H 2

What is the closest relation that your mothers Sister in law’s brother in law could be to you?

2006-12-11 09:40:32 · 15 answers · asked by Chris H 2

Two look alike girls sitting on a park bench are approached by a stranger. “You must be twins," he says.

The girls smile. "We have the same parents and were born on she same day in the same year, but, no, we’re not twins.

How come?

2006-12-11 09:39:50 · 22 answers · asked by Chris H 2

What's the best joke you've ever heard of?

2006-12-11 09:39:09 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

“Jean is my niece,” said Jack to his sister Jill.

"She is not my niece,” said Jill.

Can you provide more than one possible explanation?

2006-12-11 09:38:59 · 24 answers · asked by Chris H 2

A telephone conversation:

"Hello. Is this XYZ 8765?''

"Yes. Who's that?"

"What? You don't recognize my voice? Why, my mother is your
mother’s mother in law. "

What is the relationship of the speakers?

2006-12-11 09:38:08 · 5 answers · asked by Chris H 2

A guy was on his honeymoon, and did'nt know what to do, so he called his Father for advice. The Father said, "Son, take the hardest thing you have, and put it where she pees" So he threw his bowling ball in the toilet.

2006-12-11 09:35:35 · 6 answers · asked by sluggo1947 4

If two fathers and two sons go out fishing, catch THREE fish, and each one eats one whole fish, how is that possible?

Will post answer later if no one guesses correctly.

2006-12-11 09:29:43 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

How can you throw a ball as hard as you can and have it come back to you, even if it doesn't hit anything, there is nothing attached to it, and no one else catches or throws it?

2006-12-11 09:27:14 · 23 answers · asked by st3ph3n_j0rdan 1

2006-12-11 09:23:36 · 26 answers · asked by chaz 1

getting undressed for the first time, he took off his shoes and socks and his toes were discoloured and twisted, "whats that" she said. " well thats coss i had tolio when i was a child" " dont you mean polio she said, No, he said Its because its the toes.
next he took off his trousers and revealed awful looking knees.
" whats that she said. Oh thats kneesels, Dont you mean measles she said, No, he said its coss its the knees,
Next he removed his shorts..

Dont tell me, she said, you had smallcox....

2006-12-11 09:23:02 · 15 answers · asked by chris w. 7

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest.

"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! And when I go down, I go down in flames!"

2006-12-11 09:20:38 · 18 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

I shall seek and find you...

I shall make your knees weak and your head spin...

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you...

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.

I will make you beg for mercy...beg for me to to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved

When I am finished with you.

And you will be weak for days.

Who am I... ??

2006-12-11 09:12:10 · 33 answers · asked by a m 4

And nobody was playing pass the parcel

2006-12-11 09:11:20 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mysterious gypsy vendor lays out some coins. Each coin has a different letter on it laid out in the following order:


A C E L R N T U I S T Y N D E I L E R A R N A U M W O H A R R G D C I N G

"When you arrange these coins properly, it will spell out a question to which you must find the answer," the vendor advised you.

What is the answer?

AHHH i can't get it. help.......

2006-12-11 09:05:15 · 2 answers · asked by Justin 3

Has just hit the shops...a talking Muslim doll.no one knows what it says yet as they darn't pull the f***ing cord!!!!!!!!!

2006-12-11 09:05:13 · 11 answers · asked by snuffylover4 2

a muslim party and it was the fastest pass the parcel ever...

2006-12-11 08:52:23 · 10 answers · asked by chris w. 7

A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked WW, WA, PP and ATR.

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.

He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!

So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off...confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.

He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

2006-12-11 08:51:42 · 23 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

"Mummy why am i white and you are black".
"dont even ask me that" she said,
"when i remember that party its lucky you dont bark......

2006-12-11 08:50:12 · 16 answers · asked by chris w. 7

"It was my brother-in-law Quinton," shouted Mark
"Slow down," interrupted Terry, "what happened!"
"I was leaning on the counter doing paperwork when I looked up to see a guy aiming a crossbow at my chest. When he told me to raise my hands and turn around I didn't argue.While I'm facing the wall I heard him open the till and clean me out! When I turned around he was GONE. He had a stocking over his face, but his T-shirt have him away. I know it 'cause on the back it reads "Quinton's Lawn Service" My sister and me brought him that shirt two years ago. Imagine how stupid he was to rob me of all people and then to wear that shirt! I'll need a report for my insurance company," continued Mark.

"You'll be lucky if I don't arrest you for fraud," replied Terry.

Why?

2006-12-11 08:50:09 · 3 answers · asked by Nemesis: Your worst nightmare 5