Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

how much could a wood chuck chuck if a wood could chuck chuck wood?

2006-12-11 08:48:42 · 7 answers · asked by azn g 1

just been to a Jewish party.had a great time but F**K ME,pass the parcel was slow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-12-11 08:35:52 · 9 answers · asked by snuffylover4 2

My mate Ant went to a xmas party and woke up the next morning not remembering a thing. He had a cut on his hand, lost half of his clothes and had a tube of lube in his pocket. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

2006-12-11 08:33:20 · 10 answers · asked by andy 1

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

2006-12-11 08:30:26 · 39 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Anybody got any for Me?

2006-12-11 08:29:59 · 5 answers · asked by fb0581 3

Okay, so someone drops a dollar; who picks it up? Santa Claus, a smart blonde, or a dumb blonde?? and Why??

2006-12-11 08:29:57 · 13 answers · asked by hatsuharu93 2

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new
sweetheart's birthday, as they had not been dating for long.
After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves
would strike the right romantic note, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to
Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister
purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the
wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got
the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and
mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the
habit of wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it
had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long
ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to
remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three
weeks and they were hardly soiled, I had her try yours on for
me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time,
as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before
I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off,
remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they
will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,
Jimmie

2006-12-11 08:28:01 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

all the women in iraq have shaved their fannys in protest of the war.......... their message to the world is.............read our lips......................no more bush

2006-12-11 08:16:12 · 17 answers · asked by mikey b 1

Why did captain hook died?














































































































He wiped.

2006-12-11 08:15:31 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

How About this one?

Ugly person illness
A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

2006-12-11 08:15:31 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know
what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

2006-12-11 08:14:57 · 45 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

2006-12-11 08:14:19 · 14 answers · asked by psychodad 3

2006-12-11 08:13:48 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was once an old man and a parrot living all alone together for like 40 years.
One day, the parrot came to the old man and said, "you know, I've never had a woman in my life."
So the old man, as a favour to his best friend, went to the pet store and talked the owner into letting him use a female parrot for one night for the fee of 40 dollars.
He took the female home, put it into the cage with his parrot, covered the cage and went to bed. He was awoken in the middle of the night to the female parrot screaming she was being killed.
He ran out and pulled the cover off the cage. There he saw his male parrot ripping all the feathers off of the female. "What are you doing?" the old man screamed.
The parrot replied, "Are you kidding, for 40 dollars, I at least want the b*tch naked!"

2006-12-11 08:13:40 · 14 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

and says have any good replica penis's that ejaculate.
yes we have 3, the Ryan Giggs, the Geoff Boycott and the Father Christmas.
What do they do she asks.
The Ryan Giggs dribbles a bit then shoots!
Geoff Boycott, once you get him in you can't get him out!
The best one Father Christmas, he only comes once a year but when he does HE FILLS YER STOCKINGS!!!!

2006-12-11 08:11:39 · 13 answers · asked by ? 4

I am so offended at the Geico commercials. I have serious doubts about the future of our country if they are allowed to continue. Really, now, insulting cavemen. All cavement should band together and make a march on Washington, D.C. I mean seriously how could George Bush have come up with this ad. He and Dick Cheney should be thrown out because of it.
I would seem that Cavemen are being cast aside and it must end. Before you know it, they will all be extinct. Can you get back to me with a solution before the nurse gets here?

2006-12-11 08:10:36 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

...and felt really guilty. No mater how much he tried, his sense of betrayal was overwhelming... but every once in a while he'd hear an internal voice say ... 'Dave don't worry about it ... you aren't the first doctor to sleep with 1 of your patients and you won't be the last, and you're single ...let it go ...


But invariably the other voice wouldbring him back to reality whispering ...


''Dave you're a fcuking vet''!!!

2006-12-11 08:06:37 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day,
carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak
with the president of the bank to open a savings account
because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally
ushered her into the president's office. The bank president
then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, "$5,165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag
onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all
this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're
carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $525,000
that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can
never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $525,000 that my balls
are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a
lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow
at 10:00 am as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and
spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls,
turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly
checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely
no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady
appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She
introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet.

"$525,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady
asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The
president complied. The little old lady peered closely at
his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$525,000 is a lot of
money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging
his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady,
"What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $5,100,000 that at
10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's
balls in my hand."

2006-12-11 08:06:29 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-11 08:00:56 · 19 answers · asked by M L 2

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall, but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks, the two went back to the tall woman's apartment.

"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."

"Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs, and close your eyes," said the midget.

The woman did as she was told, and soon she felt the biggest thing she had ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes, the woman had climaxed eight times.

"If you think was good," said the midget with a smirk, "just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

2006-12-11 07:58:30 · 15 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

An male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with a elf nurse.

One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.

"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."

Blushing the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."

"Really?" the relieved elf asked.

She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."

2006-12-11 07:56:09 · 19 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A married couple were lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, as the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short intervals before turning back to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay. "The husband says, "No, not at all."

His wife asks angrily, "Well, then what the hell were you doing ?"

Seconds before his death he says...

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages."

2006-12-11 07:51:59 · 20 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.

"Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink.

They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night.

The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replied ... You just happened to catch my eye!"

2006-12-11 07:50:40 · 19 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

I can be inbetween and outside
I am here when you don't notice
I help you carry on, but i'm never here to thank
I'm not physical but you need me
I'm not here right now
What am i?

2006-12-11 07:48:53 · 8 answers · asked by Nick G 1

A man in a bar notices a guy who had a few too many. He was slumpped over the table & struggling to move around. He asked around if anyone was with him & who he was. The bar tender said he lives nearby.
The man was able to get the address from the drunk so he could get a cab to get him home. The man was so drunk, he couldnt even get him to stand up and walk. He would try to get him up & he would just fall down. So eventually, he just carried him to the cab & rode with him to get him home.

As he got to the mans house, he again tried to get him to walk to the door & could not. He just fell & fell. So he carried him up to his door & being that the drunk man lost his keys, he knocked on the door. Moments later, it was opened by the drunks wife. Happy to see him ok & someone helped him she says, "Thank you so much for helping him come home, but, where is his wheelchair?"

2006-12-11 07:47:53 · 3 answers · asked by ricks 5

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $ 1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $ 2.50 Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and
beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to
an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the
hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am."

The man replies "Well, wash your f--king hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

2006-12-11 07:47:18 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own. So does she.

2006-12-11 07:45:37 · 20 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a
creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong. He's not afraid
to admit when he's wrong. One who thinks before he speaks.
When he promises to call, he doesn't wait 6 weeks. I pray
that he is gainfully employed, won't lose his cool when he's
annoyed. Pulls out my chair & opens my door, massages my
back & begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who will make love
to my mind. Knows just what to say when I ask 'How fat is my
behind?' One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin' He
brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen! I
pray that this man will love me to no end, And would never
compare me with my best girlfriend. Thank You in advance and
now I'll just wait, for I know You will send him before it's
too late.
Amen

BEDTIME PRAYER (for men)

As I lay me down to sleep I pray for a woman, who's very
cheap. One who's sexy, blonde and long. Who notices that
she's mostly wrong. One who sucks And doesn't speak. And
promises to do so, Once a week. I pray that she is very
randy, cause one like that would come in handy. Opens her
leg and lies on the floor, and once I'm done, she begs for
more. Oh! Send me a woman who will not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that's lots from behind! One
who'll make love till my body's a twitchin' and brings ME a
beer, when she comes from the kitchen! I pray that she'll
last right up to the end, And would never complain when I do
her best friend. Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait,
so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.
Amen

2006-12-11 07:38:35 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you hear about the 100 pound midget circus clown who had testicles that weighed 25 pounds apiece? He was half nuts!

2006-12-11 07:34:19 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blind man goes into a bar and orders a beer. Jokes started flying and he says, "Anyone want to hear a Dumb Blonde joke?" The bar tender says, "Before you start you should know, I have a baseball bat behind the bar and I'm blonde, the girl sitting next to you on your right is a black belt and she's blonde, the girl standing behind you is a professional wrestler and she's blonde, The girl on your left is a professional bodybuilder and she's blonde, and the girl sitting next to her is 6' 4" and covered with tattoos from her head to her feet. Now do you still want to tell us a Dumb Blonde joke?"
The blind man says, "Naw, I don't wanna have to explain it 5 times."

2006-12-11 07:32:14 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous