All That Good Info........<long but funny>?

Question

Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read!

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I can't enjoy a good Latte from Starbucks anymore because they WOULD NOT send any coffee to that poor Army Sgt who requested it. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan

I no longer worry about sudden cardiac arrest, since I can now cough myself back to life instead of wasting time calling 911.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician, who is a lawyer.

Answer 1

See what you do for me Miranda, I didn't know all that stuff, now I can go on to lead a much better life. That is so much better than just questioning the sabbath thing. I think you covered it all.
Sex molesters are waiting underneath your car?
I knew I was doing something wrong. I thought we were supose to ask a girl out on a date. But we drop 5. on the parking lot and wait for them to pick it up and walla. I just have one problem with that theory. HOw can you rape someone if your under a car?
Isn't that a little ackward. If I don't have 144,000 friends I am going to be a hairy humper? See we need to talk I have a lot of questions about this.

Answer 2

7 years

Answer 3

Well, thank you very much!!!

You have now added to my worries along with my restless leg syndrome and my adult ADD and my worries that if I get diabetes will I be able to test painlessly or will my erection last longer than 4 hours or will the pill that gave me that 4 hour erection cause blindness (what do you see when they turn out the light? I can't tell you but it sure feels like mine)
I can't eat spinach, lettuce or onions and my kids can't use silly string because the soldiers need it to find trip wires and on top of all that - I may be depressed and not even know it.

So once again THANK YOU

Answer 4

just a little bit on the paranoid side are we ? don't take life so seriously you will never get out alive and while you are giving all that money away maybe you could send me some I i in the hospital dying from upper abdominal distensions

Answer 5

Yawn

Answer 6

Whoah.. i gotta stop using seran wrap in microwaves...thats crazy...thanks for the info

Answer 7

Haha very good one thx didnt mind that it was long was worth the read cheers ;]

Answer 8

toooooooooooooooo longgggggggggggggg

Answer 9

thats VERY LONG

Answer 10

great