Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "its fart Rugby." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Try and conversion - 7points each". After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Penalty - 10 to 7." Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty 10 each." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he craps in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, change sides."

2006-12-10 18:50:04 · 13 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

you would to if you had to change infront of everyone!

2006-12-10 18:47:25 · 9 answers · asked by natural_almonds 1

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

2006-12-10 18:41:34 · 15 answers · asked by hey 4

A guy goes into a bar and orders a drink.
He hears this voice say:
"Hey, that's a REALLY nice shirt you're wearing."
The guy looks around and no one there.
He takes another drink and he hears this voice say:
"Hey I LOVE that tie you're wearing. Really matches the shirt."
The guy orders another beer and asks the bartender:
"Did you say something?" Bartender says "No!"
The guy takes another drink and hears the voice again say:
"Wow what a nice pair of pants. Love them!"
The guy notices that it's just him and the bartender in the bar.
The guy asks the bartender "Are you sure you didn't say anything because I keep hearing this voice that says it likes my clothes I'm wearing.
The bartender says:











"Oh, that's the complimentary peanuts!"

2006-12-10 18:39:53 · 17 answers · asked by texasblueslady 3

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

2006-12-10 18:36:44 · 7 answers · asked by devsmash 2

JANUARY
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
FEBRUARY
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Helllloooo!!! bottles won't fit in typewriter!
MARCH
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
APRIL
Trapped on an escalator for hours.....power went out!
MAY
Tried to make Kool-Aid....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!
JUNE
Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
JULY
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!
AUGUST
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.
SEPTEMBER
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it?
NOVEMBER
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 lbs!
DECEMBER
Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone! What an year!!

2006-12-10 18:34:56 · 38 answers · asked by Pd 6

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smilin

2006-12-10 18:33:37 · 4 answers · asked by devsmash 2

Dec. 14, 1995
My Dearest Peter,

The cute little partridge arrived a little while ago,
and the pear tree sapling came a little while later.
I'm not sure of the connection, but I love them.

Love always,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec 15, 1995
Dearest Peter,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just
imagine, two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your
thoughtful gift. They are adorable.

All my love,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec. 16, 1995
Dearest Peter,

Aren't you the extravagant one. Now, I really must
protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French
hens. They are just darling, but I must insist, you
are too kind.

Love,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec 17, 1995

Dearest Peter,

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now
really, they are quite beautiful, but don't you think
enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec. 18, 1995

Dearest Peter,

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five
golden rings - one for each finger. You are just
impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds
squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec. 19, 1995

Dear Peter,

When I opened the door, there were actually six
geese-a-laying on my front step. So your back to the
birds again, huh? These geese are huge! Where will I
keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't
get any sleep through all the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec 20, 1995

Pete,

What is it with you and those ******* birds? Seven
swans-a-swimming. What kind of god-damned joke is
this? There is bird **** all over my house, and they
never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and
I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny, so stop with
those ******* birds.

Sincerely,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec. 21, 1995

O.K. Buster,

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going
to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with
all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they
brought along their goddamned cows. There is **** all
over my lawn, and I can't move around in my own house.


Just lay off me,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec. 22, 1995

Hey Shithead,

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine
pipers playing, and do they play. They've never
stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The
cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over
those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours,

Dori

- - - - - - -

Dec. 23, 1995

You Rotten Prick,

Now there are ten ladies dancing. I don't know why
they call these sluts ladies. They've been balling
those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep
and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of
****. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpeoned me
to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm sicking the police in you.

One who means it!

- - - - - - -

Dec. 24, 1995

Listen Fuckhead,

What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping on those maids
and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk
again. Those pipers ran through the maids and are
committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds
are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy.
I hope you're satisfied you rotten bastard.

Your sworn enemy,

- - - - - - -

Dec. 26, 1995

Dear Sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve
drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict
upon our client, Miss Dori Drawers. The destruction,
of course, was total. All further correspondence
should come to our attention. If you should attempt to
reach Miss Drawers at the Happy Dale Sanitarium, the
attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
With this letter, please find a warrant for your
arrest.

2006-12-10 18:31:25 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

What does a man and a rubics cube have in common??

The more you play with them the harder they get.

2006-12-10 18:16:52 · 14 answers · asked by Charles' Princess 1

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

2006-12-10 18:16:13 · 19 answers · asked by hey 4

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

2006-12-10 18:11:49 · 12 answers · asked by hey 4

itz not like i'm against blodes or anything but this one made me laugh=D

A blonde walks into a barber shop one day and asks the man if she can get her hair cut. The man says "Well ma'am, I can't cut your hair with those head-phones on. You're going to have to take them off."

She shakes her head vigorously and replies "No, if I take them off, I will die." He put his hands on his hips and ripped them off of her head. She fell to the floor and died. He was extremely surprised and picked up the head-phones.

All he heard was "Breathe in, breathe out, breath in."

2006-12-10 18:07:17 · 19 answers · asked by onetreehunny 4

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

2006-12-10 18:02:52 · 10 answers · asked by hey 4

In the commercial with the 3 bears with Charmin toilet paper how does the song go?? I know it goes Cha Cha Cha at the end!

2006-12-10 18:01:54 · 4 answers · asked by Charles' Princess 1

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped
up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst
premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling
hands. "Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I
had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice,
but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings,
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than
I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we
will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of
firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more
children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't
really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves,and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In
the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy
can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know
how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you
can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, your son, John.

P.S. Dad, None of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for
me to come home.

2006-12-10 17:55:48 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on.
It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Holiday Season Begins....

2006-12-10 17:51:07 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you hear about the blonde that...
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

2006-12-10 17:49:24 · 8 answers · asked by hey 4

An amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old
buggy one cold
blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My
hands are freezing
cold." the mother replied "Put them between your legs.
Your body heat
will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands
warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend
who said, "My
hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them
between my legs.
The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and
warmed his
hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy
with the
daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied
"Put it between
my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did
and warmed
his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving
with the daughter
and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy
with her
mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever
heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do
you ask?" The
daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when
they defrost,
don't they?"

2006-12-10 17:48:16 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

What happens when you put a polar bear in water?

2006-12-10 17:47:11 · 3 answers · asked by Paintball Guy 1

Nile FM is a popular radio station in Cairo, Egypt. I need a funny punchline for this? Any thoughts?

2006-12-10 17:47:07 · 2 answers · asked by Amr B 1

Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) was born on and died on days when Halley's Comet can be seen. During his life he predicted that he would die when it could be seen.
2. US Dollar bills are made out of cotton and linen.
3. The "57" on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of pickle types the company once had.
4. Americans are responsible for about 1/5 of the world's garbage annually. On average, that's 3 pounds a day per person.
5. Giraffes and rats can last longer without water than camels.
6. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks so that it doesn't digest itself.
7. 98% of all murders and rapes are by a close family member or friend of the victim.
8. A B-25 bomber crashed into the 79th floor of the Empire State Building on July 28, 1945.
9. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.
10. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
11. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
12. Benjamin Franklin was the fifth in a series of the youngest son of the youngest son.
13. Triskaidekaphobia means fear of the number 13. Paraskevidekatriaphobia means fear of Friday the 13th (which occurs one to three times a year). In Italy, 17 is considered an unlucky number. In Japan, 4 is considered an unlucky number.
14. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
15. All the chemicals in a human body combined are worth about 6.25 euro (if sold separately).
16. In ancient Rome, when a man testified in court he would swear on his testicles.
17. The ZIP in "ZIP code" means Zoning Improvement Plan.
18. Coca-Cola contained Coca (whose active ingredient is cocaine) from 1885 to 1903.
19. A "2 by 4" is really 1 1/2 by 3 1/2.
20. It's estimated that at any one time around 0.7% of the world's population is drunk.
21. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades = David ; Clubs = Alexander the Great ; Hearts = Charlemagne ; Diamonds = Caesar
22. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
23. Every person, including identical twins, has a unique eye and tongue print along with their finger print.
24. The "spot" on the 7-Up logo comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was an albino.
25. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 dictionary were misspelled.
26. The "save" icon in Microsoft Office programs shows a floppy disk with the shutter on backwards.
27. Albert Einstein and Charles Darwin both married their first cousins (Elsa Löwenthal and Emma Wedgewood respectively).
28. Camel's have three eyelids.
29. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents every day.
30. John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son.
31. Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister.
32. Chocolate can kill dogs; it directly affects their heart and nervous system.
33. Daniel Boone hated coonskin caps.
34. Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.
35. 55.1% of all US prisoners are in prison for drug offenses.
36. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
37. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
38. Dr. Seuss pronounced his name "soyce".
39. Slugs have four noses.
40. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
41. The Three Wise Monkeys have names: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru (Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Speak no evil).
42. India has a Bill of Rights for cows.
43. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out. (DON'T TRY IT, DUMBASS)
44. During the California gold rush of 1849, miners sent their laundry to Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the extremely high costs in California during these boom years, it was deemed more feasible to send their shirts to Hawaii for servicing.
45. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by taking out an olive from First Class salads.
46. About 200,000,000 M&Ms are sold each day in the United States.
47. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
48. Over a course of about eleven years, the sun's magnetic poles switch places. This cycle is called "Solarmax".
49. There are 318,979,564,000 possible combinations of the first four moves in Chess.
50. Upper and lower case letters are named "upper" and "lower" because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the lower case letters.

2006-12-10 17:46:32 · 8 answers · asked by al p 3

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

How can you tell that Pac-man is winning the race?
A: Because he is a head! :)

Heheh... And here is today's riddle:

Why are dalmatians bad at hide-and-seek?

Good luck! :)

2006-12-10 17:44:34 · 5 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

2006-12-10 17:44:03 · 14 answers · asked by hey 4

2006-12-10 17:38:55 · 11 answers · asked by mkjhfiuy 4

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil.
"You're on my list but I have no room for you.As you definitely have
to stay here,
So I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.I'll let
one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room.

In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.Such was his fate
in hell.

"No!" George said."I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer
and don't think I could stay in hot water all day."

The devil led him to the next room.In it was Tony Blair with a
sledge hammer and a
room full of rocks.All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder.I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.

The devil opened a third door.

In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms
staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
spread-eagle pose.

Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,

"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said,"Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

2006-12-10 17:37:04 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

You are in a room and there are two doors, one leads to certain death and the other door leads to freedom. There is a troll guarding each door, one will always tell the truth and the other one will always tell a lie. You can only ask one question. What question could ask that would lead you to freedom.

If you have heard this riddle before and know the answer feel free to correct me if I did not tell it right. I am pretty sure I have all of the important details though.

2006-12-10 17:30:38 · 9 answers · asked by jdyzy 2

2006-12-10 17:18:10 · 5 answers · asked by nick l 1

2006-12-10 17:14:58 · 2 answers · asked by onetreehunny 4

People say that Z, X and Q are the least used letters in the alphabet. So what happens when I write those letters on paper 20 million times?

2006-12-10 17:11:15 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

what happens if you duck tape 2 cats back to back?

2006-12-10 17:06:44 · 15 answers · asked by squatch 6