Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "It's not pronounced 'Porch' It's 'Porsche'.."

2006-12-10 09:05:04 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man goes into a hotellobby , he wants to ask the clerk a question , as he turns to go to the front desk , he bumps into a women as he does his elbow goes into her breast the man says ma'am if your heart is as soft as your breast you will forgive me. the woman says , if your penis is as hard as your elbow im in room 121

2006-12-10 09:03:27 · 20 answers · asked by jericho sland 4

because they roll onto their backs as soon as their p*ussy's get wet!

2006-12-10 09:02:45 · 11 answers · asked by sugar_n_spice 5

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was having a wee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out."

The boy replies, "No.. I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

2006-12-10 09:00:15 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

man comes home to find his wife has crashed the car, he says what happened his wife says there was this tree i swung to the left it swung to the left i swung to the right it swung to the right the man says , it was the airfreshner yer daft git

2006-12-10 08:57:44 · 25 answers · asked by jericho sland 4

this is the big magic trick
and how would you like it to all be done

2006-12-10 08:57:07 · 4 answers · asked by jon h 6

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to warm upduring a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died of heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen:
To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

2006-12-10 08:55:59 · 13 answers · asked by yasminrules17 4

2006-12-10 08:49:55 · 5 answers · asked by whiteas_gooddeeds 1

bloke goes into yhe doctors and says im havin trouble with premature ejaculations,the doc tells him when you feel your self cuming give yourself a shock by firing a starter pistol in the air to prolong the sex, two days later the doc sees him again and asks him how it went the bloke said not good, i was doing a 69 er and felt me self start to *** so i fired the pistol , me wife **** on me face , bit me dick and the milkman came out the wardrobe with his hands in the air

2006-12-10 08:46:52 · 15 answers · asked by jericho sland 4

...what would it be? Can be real or imaginary

2006-12-10 08:46:36 · 24 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

I like to eat grits, i like to watch NASCAR, and I say ya'll. I live on the coastline. My state's name has two words in it. There is another state with the similar name but we are the biggest out of the two. What state do I live in?

2006-12-10 08:39:06 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 Irishmen in a pub, 1st one says "I went in my daughters room the other day and was surprised to find an empty cigarette packet, I didn't know she smoked." 2nd one says "I found empty beer cans in my daughters room, I didn't know she drank." 3rd one says "When I went in my daughters room I saw a packet of condoms, I didnt even know she had a p*nis!"

2006-12-10 08:36:51 · 29 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him. The huge man glares threateningly at his neighbor, crowds the little guy so much that he's flattened against the window, and immediately falls asleep.

After the plane takes off, the little guy starts to feel a little air sick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. After a few attempts, he realizes that he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over the little fellow. He just can't hold it in any longer and finally pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," the little guy says brightly, "are you feeling better now?"

2006-12-10 08:29:51 · 22 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

there was once a girl called kizzy
who threw my mind into a wizzy
she turned on i m
i sent a p m
and then she seemed very busy

2006-12-10 08:25:36 · 12 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the f*** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

2006-12-10 08:25:03 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?

2006-12-10 08:23:53 · 8 answers · asked by ~*Hunter *~ 1

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the f*** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

2006-12-10 08:17:12 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was looking at some of the pictures on Kontraband.com, and came accross this one, which reads, 'solve the riddle, no cheating'. However, i can only get the first half. 'I love George Bush _______ ______'. Knowing Kontraband's past record of absurd and NSFW (not safe for work) content, this picture may have sexual, or 'bush bashing' under tones. any help? http://208.116.9.205/10/graphics/pics/pictures_Riddlemethis.jpg

2006-12-10 08:15:28 · 8 answers · asked by qwazer 2

2006-12-10 08:15:02 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were totaled. They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in awe. "Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives," she spoke wisely. "I agree completely, ma'am," the man replied. The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle. "This bottle of wine wasn't even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship." "That's a great idea, miss," the man answered taking the bottle from her. He popped the cork and drank his share. "I'm sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some?" "No, thanks," came the reply. "I'll just wait for the cops to get here."

2006-12-10 08:14:14 · 18 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Okay in 15 minutes i will tell you the correct answer to this question,and if u get the correct answer that means ur a serial killer...heres the question:
A woman goes to her uncles funeral. She meets this man and falls deeply inlove with him. After the funeral she never sees this man again. Its been about a month since the funeral and shes depressed and missing him so. So she kills her sister. Why does she do this?

dont say "this doesnt REALLY say if ur a serial killer or not!!" its just a test, im not saying its real but some scientists use this test "supposedly"

2006-12-10 07:49:19 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

The word has seven letters,
Preceded God,
Greater than God,
More evil than the Devil,
Allpoor people have it,
Rich people need it,
If you eat it - you will die!
What is it?

2006-12-10 07:47:45 · 18 answers · asked by ~*Hunter *~ 1

Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner...who lives with a
girl roommate Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother
couldn't help but notice how beautiful Kumar's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between Kumarand his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote :


(continued below......)

2006-12-10 07:46:44 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

art....art who?
"art you glad you use dial?"

2006-12-10 07:42:53 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

both of them

2006-12-10 07:39:32 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-10 07:36:45 · 9 answers · asked by willy 1

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

2006-12-10 07:36:07 · 11 answers · asked by chris b 4

2006-12-10 07:32:00 · 14 answers · asked by Lisa L 3

A burnette a red head and a blond are trapped on an island. They decide they are gonna swim back 500 miles. The burnette goes and gets to land. The red head gets to the land and the blonde goes and decides half way there she is going to swim back!!!!

Hahahahah!

2006-12-10 07:28:49 · 17 answers · asked by Candace M 2

It takes 4 one to change the light bulb and 3 to sing about how much they miss the old one.

2006-12-10 07:28:01 · 5 answers · asked by Richard Serenity 4