Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

If you have I apologise in advance for boring you.
Guy doing 110 up the M6 gets pulled over. Officer asks for license."It's in the glove compartment" says the man."Along with the gun I just used to steal this car when I killed the owner and stuck her in the car boot." The Officer is freaked and calls for backup. The armed police arrives at the scene and asked the guy to step out the vehicle. They then examine the boot and find it empty and no gun in the glovebox. "But my officer said you had a gun and a dead body in the boot?" asks the head cop . "Oh yeah?" says the guy "I bet the lying little b*****d told you I was speeding as well!"

2006-12-10 05:53:54 · 20 answers · asked by Cream tea 4

2006-12-10 05:53:22 · 5 answers · asked by Mary E 1

he was so ashamed when he soiled the hospital sheets that he gathered them up and threw them out the window where they landed on a passing drunk. Yelling and swearing the drunk began to violently swing his arms trying to get the unknown things off. The security guard was trying to contain his laughter and asked the drunk. Hey whats going on here.... The drunk said i think i just beat the s.h.i.t. out of a ghost........

2006-12-10 05:53:06 · 9 answers · asked by chris w. 7

2006-12-10 05:51:25 · 8 answers · asked by catweazle 5

Old man goes to the doctors and tells the doctor "doc every morning at 7 o'clock I take a crap"
Doctor replies "that's great for your age to be so regular"
Old man replies "like hell it is I don't get up until 8".

2006-12-10 05:50:54 · 14 answers · asked by allives 2

What's black and white and red all over, and can't turn around in a doorway?

A nun with a javelin through her head.

2006-12-10 05:47:04 · 25 answers · asked by Underpants. 2

wearing a short pink mini dress. he asks the bartender to give her a drink and soon she joins him. i have to tell you she says that i am a working girl and i charge £100 and you will not get for free what you think you will get after plying me with drink.
Thats ok he says but i have to tell you that when i *** i go nuts, i bite, kick, scratch, punch and break the furniture till i have destroyed the place. hell how long does that last she says
Only until i get my £100 back.............................

2006-12-10 05:45:36 · 13 answers · asked by chris w. 7

You're walking down a stair way, and a wheel on your canoe falls off, how many Pancakes does it take to cover your?

2006-12-10 05:45:26 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day this mother went to visit her son. She knocked on the door and her daughter-in-law answered. The mother said why are you naked? She said this is my pretty dress now you have to leave cause my husband will be here soon. The mother went home then she said I should put on my pretty dress too for my husband. So her husband got home and asked why was she naked. The mother replied this is my pretty dress. Her husband said " DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD IRON IT"!!!!

2006-12-10 05:44:58 · 22 answers · asked by terrianna101 2

A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe."
She says, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank."
He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot."
She opens the safe, and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it."
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.
He says, "Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?"

2006-12-10 05:42:26 · 16 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are wiating for an interview to join the army. The Englishman gets called in first. The man says "take this gun, go outside and kill the Irishman". He comes back in and says " this gun is firing blanks" the man says "you weren't to know that, It proves to me that you could kill a man, you've passed the test, now send in the Irishman". The man asks the Irishman to do the same thing. " this gun is firing blanks" he says when he comes back in the room. "you've passed, send in the Scotsman". "I can't do that" says the Irishman " the gun didn't work, so I strangled him!!!".

2006-12-10 05:42:19 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

2006-12-10 05:40:26 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

An older gentleman told this joke to my daughter as we were ordering dinner last night. 10 points to the first person who gets the right answer.

2006-12-10 05:40:12 · 4 answers · asked by Carl 7

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's going' on up here? We're having' a grand time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

2006-12-10 05:36:42 · 14 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,

"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, and then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth; first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Katie, our neighbor and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get that damned jar open!!"

2006-12-10 05:29:04 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Put some jokes here (no boring ones)

2006-12-10 05:28:04 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

2006-12-10 05:23:10 · 20 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

2006-12-10 05:22:02 · 16 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"And then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"And then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

2006-12-10 05:11:58 · 7 answers · asked by Des 2

it started softly and then got louder and louder like someone was outside scaring us. no one was outside because me, my mom, my sister, and my baby brother was the only one home and my big bro couldn`t have done it because wen my mom yanked open the door -absolutely nobody!

2006-12-10 05:01:29 · 8 answers · asked by angel_67 1

What animals have 'tools' in their name?
or
What tools have 'animals' in their name?

The person who comes up with the most gets the best answer!

Ends Today!

2006-12-10 04:57:51 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar.
Are you from around here?" The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."
"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"
"Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66.
How 'bout you?"
"Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?"
"Beloit, in Wisconsin."
"No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"
"Kevin Sullivan dorm."
"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ."
Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same
high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"
Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."
A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."

2006-12-10 04:52:54 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here is my handle and here is my spout.
Can anyone remember the rest of the words to this child's song?

2006-12-10 04:50:24 · 10 answers · asked by smcdevitt2001 5

What is the funniest joke you've ever heard

2006-12-10 04:47:42 · 4 answers · asked by rozzywozzy 2

I THINK HE HAS FARTING COMPETITIONS WITH THE REST OF HIS FAIRY’S IN THE CAVE.


MAKES SAND CASTLES


PLAYS UNO


PLAYS THE SONG WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE BY 2PAC ALL DAY ON HIS IPOD


PLAYS NORTS & CROSSES WITH HIS CAVE MEN (I BET HE HATES THE CROSSES LOL)


PLAYS RERUNS OF THE TV SHOW (LOST) ON HIS LAPTOP


IRONS HIS TURBAN ON A ROCK


HAS DRESS UP PARTYS WITH THE REST OF HIS TURBON BUDDIES
(HIS FAVOURITE COSTUME IS THE PINK POWER RANGER)


BENDS OVER 5 TIMES A DAY FOR HIS GOD MO(HAM)ED WHILE THE REST JERK OFF OVER HIM BENDING OVER



HAS A PULL OVER PICS OF 9/11 AND BLOWS ALL OVER THE PHOTOS



ANY THING ELSE YOU MIGHT THINK HE DOES???


AND DONT BE RUDE OR DISRESPECTFUL.......... HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH

2006-12-10 04:43:28 · 15 answers · asked by p1mp_1n 1

More???
Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!..
Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it...
Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas....
Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse...

Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!..
Yo mama so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan...
Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."..

Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!..
Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gas money!..
Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."...
Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up....
Yo mama so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind...

Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!..

2006-12-10 04:37:06 · 26 answers · asked by Beliver 2

'How long will it take me to walk into the village from here?' inquired the English tourist.

'No idea,' replied the Kerry farmer.

Off trudged the Englishman muttering to himself.

'Come back, sor,' called the Kerryman.

'What now?' asked the tourist.

'It'll take you about ten minutes.'

'Why didn't you tell me that in the first place?' asked the Englishman.

'Sure I didn't know how fast you walked!' smiled the farmer.

2006-12-10 04:32:50 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

As the Reagan twins sat watching TV, on screen came the Tour de France cycle race.

'Why do they do that?' asked Paul.

'Do what?' said Peter.

'Cycle for miles and miles, up hill, down dale. Month after month, day after day. Through wind, rain, snow, ice. Why do they continually torture themselves?'

'It's because,' said Peter, 'the winner gets half a million pounds.'

'Yes,' replied Paul. 'But why do the others do it?'

2006-12-10 04:30:33 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

When u feel lonely and alone
&
cannot see any one around you,
&
the world seems to be fading away,

come along with me

i'll take u to an eye specialist !!
************************************************************************

ur smile can be compared to a flower
ur voice can be compared to a cuckoo
ur innocence to a child
but in stupidity
u have no comparison
u r the best
************************************************************************

Dear Friend,

when i ask u flower,
u give me bouquet
when i ask u a stone
u give me a statue
when i ask u a feather
u give me peacock

ARE U REALLY DEAF ???
************************************************************************

Teacher : four beautiful ladies r walking on the road. Change this to exclamatory sentence ....
Student : WOW !
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Your brain can be divided into two parts: Left and Right

In the Left, nothing is right.

In the right, nothing is left
************************************************************************

2006-12-10 04:25:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-10 04:18:17 · 15 answers · asked by Book of Changes 3