Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

1)Every color known to man i can hold in my hand.
but all fire i can kill in any land.

2) One plus me, but what is three?

first one to get both right gets 5 stars!!!
if both cant be answerd, ill give 3 three to the first one who gets 1 right!

2006-12-09 22:17:42 · 6 answers · asked by Sam 3

I got a new radio in my car. It's voice activated. I say country and it plays country I say rap and it plays rap. The other day I was driving and some kids ran in front of my car. I slammed on the brakes and said "f***ing kids"...Michael Jackson came on the radio.

2006-12-09 22:10:45 · 9 answers · asked by frankie3919 2

One man was murdered by someone. The police found nothing except a diary in which a phone number was written. The police called up that number. A woman picked up the phone. The police said,"Madam, a man has been muredered. Come to the spot as soon as you can."and he hung up the phone. Shortly the woman arrived at the spot & as soon as she came out the police arrested her. Why??

2006-12-09 22:00:35 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

she kept it in a bucket
coz every time the lamb got out
the dog would try to fcuk it

2006-12-09 21:51:01 · 29 answers · asked by t00t5 2

invented?

2006-12-09 21:48:28 · 20 answers · asked by t00t5 2

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.
He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

2006-12-09 21:40:04 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

ur so dum u tripped over a cordless phone!
ur so dum u tried to drown a fish!
ur so dum u tried to commit suiscide with a bird!

2006-12-09 21:36:29 · 16 answers · asked by sarah s 2

2006-12-09 21:35:38 · 18 answers · asked by weirdcool_creep 2

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a priest when I grow up.
"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a priest?"
"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."

2006-12-09 21:35:24 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

2006-12-09 21:35:13 · 9 answers · asked by ya_face_sux 1

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a "soft drink" and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs", and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink".

Pepsi will market the new "concoction" by the name of "Mount & Do".

2006-12-09 21:32:53 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

Guy: ''Who is this?''
''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.
Guy: ''We don't have a maid.''
Woman: ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''
Guy: ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''
Maid: ''Ummm, She’s upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''
The guy is fuming & says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''
The maid says, ''What do I have to do?''
Guy: ''I want you to get my gun from the desk & shoot the ***** & the JERK she's with!!!''
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps & then two shots are heard.
The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''
The man says, ''Dump them in the swimming pool until I get back!''
Maid: ''But you don't have a pool.''
A long pause and the man says, ''Ummm, Is this 567-5309?''

2006-12-09 21:30:06 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out!

2006-12-09 21:28:37 · 16 answers · asked by english_rose10 3

Does anybody have a funny joke?

2006-12-09 21:25:30 · 5 answers · asked by Songbird. 1

The box a penis comes in!

2006-12-09 21:24:16 · 13 answers · asked by Vincent 2

where would micael jackson go when he dies?
[scroll down for answer]




























to the recycling bin!

2006-12-09 21:21:44 · 9 answers · asked by sarah s 2

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he is being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. "Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?"

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.

The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"

2006-12-09 20:59:52 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

...his monthly test came up positive for Coke.

2006-12-09 20:59:45 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

In a darkened room stands 3 chairs - all facing the same way and each one behind the other. Also in the room is a box containing 3 red hats and 2 green ones.

A man enters the room and takes a hat from the box, puts it on his head and sits in chair number 1 facing the wall.

A second man enters, takes a hat from the box, puts it on his head and sit in chair number 2.

A third man enters and, having taken a hat from the box sits in chair number 3 - right at the back.

A woman enters and puts on the light. She then asks the man in chair number 3, the one at the back, if he knows what colour hat he has on. The man looks at chairs 1 & 2 and says No he does not know.

The woman then askes the man in chair number 2 if he knows and, having looked at chair 1 says No he does not know.

The woman then asks the man in chair number 1 - the one facing the wall, if he knows and he says Yes he does know.

What colour hat does he have on?

2006-12-09 20:55:44 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.
So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.
The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."
The lion answers, "That little **stard! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

2006-12-09 20:54:57 · 10 answers · asked by a m 4

2006-12-09 20:54:14 · 2 answers · asked by Twisted Maggie 6

we have a project in our school.. we have to show how we can put the fresh egg inside the bottle without breaking the egg or the bottle.. by the way, i'm jarrell adam from philippines.. please help me... thank you po!

2006-12-09 20:51:26 · 14 answers · asked by moty 1

Because they moved the dumpster.

2006-12-09 20:49:30 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-09 20:45:09 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-09 20:38:17 · 3 answers · asked by Twisted Maggie 6

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.
He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"
Helen looks him over, "Nope."
Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"
Helen looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
DIFFERENT?"
Helen looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know whyit’s hanging down, Helen? It’s hanging down because it’s looking at MY NEW BOOTS!"
To which Helen replies, "SHOULDA BOUGHT A HAT SAM, SHOULDA BOUGHT A HAT!.

2006-12-09 20:34:16 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

an archelogist discovers adam and eve in a ice cube how did he know it was adam and eve. i thought the answer was that he was their child and therefore they are the only 3 people one earth am right and does anyone know a website where i can find these kind of riddles with words only none of that math crap.

2006-12-09 20:11:52 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during WWII, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a 'goy" and changed my name from Levi to Spamoni and I’m alive today because of it."
"Self preservation is important and the fact you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with sexual favours."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There’s a favourable balance between good and evil and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

2006-12-09 20:09:19 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling."

The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?"

The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

2006-12-09 20:07:32 · 6 answers · asked by al p 3

mr smith and his son are driving they have a car accident mr smith dies but his son lives they rush the boy to the hospital but when he gets the surgeon says i cant operate on this boy it's my son. how is this possible?

2006-12-09 19:58:30 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous