Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah:
"What did you do at recess?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box, Miss"
The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie.
The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box, Miss"
The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."
The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

2006-12-09 19:58:13 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest : "What have you done my child?"
Girl : "I called a man a son of abitch."
Priest : "Now why did you call him a son of abitch my child?"
Girl : "Because he touched my hand."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of abitch my child."
Girl : "…but, but then he touched my breasts."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he caresses her breasts)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "Surely, that's no reason to call him a son of abitch my child."
Girl : "…but, but then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of abitch."
Girl : "…but, but then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest : "Like thisss?" (as he sticks his you know what into her you know where)
Girl : "OH YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest : "…but that's no reason to call him a son of abitch."
Girl : "…but, but father, he had AIDS!"
Priest : "DAMN THAT SON OF ABITCH!!!"

2006-12-09 19:56:52 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man has been found dead in his car. He has been shot several times. All his windows were rolled up and completely intact. All his doors were locked and there was no sign of forced entry. There was evidence that the shooter shot him from outside his car. So, that rules out suicide. How did the shooter kill his target?

2006-12-09 19:48:50 · 8 answers · asked by slobberknocker_usa 7

"You're good at ciphers, aren't you, Dad?" said PEggy
"I've solved a few in my time," said her father.

"Have a stab at this one." On a half-sheet of paper Peggy had printed:
IMPS ELUDE
NEWS-RIME
-NERO

"It doesn't seem to make much sense said Peggy's father. "What's the big idea?"
"Transliteration," said Peggy.
"Absurd, my good girl. There's not nearly enough material."
"I knew you'd say that," said PEggy, grinning. "Have a go, all the same. It has been described as too wonderful."
Can you-with the aid of the hint-transliterate Peggy's cipher?

2006-12-09 19:34:49 · 11 answers · asked by enigma 1

An old man is walking in a park and gets tired. He finds a bench and sits down to rest. Soon, he dozes off and falls asleep. He wakes a couple hours later and tries to get off the bench but can't get up. Why isn't he able to stand up?

2006-12-09 19:24:27 · 22 answers · asked by slobberknocker_usa 7

A bum got on a subway car. He smelled of cheap women and cheap wine. He was dirty and had a porno magazine in his pocket. When he got in he sat down next to a priest and started reading the newspaper. After a few minutes, he asked the priest how a person got arthritis. The priest replied that you got arthritis by drinking too much, being with cheap women, not washing and reading smut. The bum said oh, okay. After a few minutes, the priest started to feel guilty and turned to the bum and apologized for snapping at him and asked him why he wanted to know. The bum said that he read that the Pope had arthritis.

2006-12-09 19:17:18 · 7 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

'Well' he explained' By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen'.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English fool and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.

'Well' he explained' By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen'.

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland fools and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.

'Well' he explained,' by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure.......'

2006-12-09 19:10:28 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Carlos calls his boss and says, "Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me love.
That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

2 hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."

2006-12-09 19:02:52 · 9 answers · asked by Dale T 1

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because
of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment
above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bulls-h-i-t-ing me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

2006-12-09 18:57:19 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

When me prayers were poorly said,

Who tucked me in me widdle bed,

And spanked me till me **** was red,

Me Mudder!



Who took me from me cozy cot,

And put me on the ice cold pot,

And made me pee when I could not,

Me Mudder!



And when the morning light would come

And in me crib me dribbled some,

Who wiped me tiny widdle bum,

Me Mudder!



Who would me hair so neatly part

And hug me gently to her heart,

Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart,

Me Mudder!

Who looked at me with eyebrows knit

And nearly have a king-size fit,

When in me Sunday pants me s*** ,

Me Mudder!



When at night her bed did squeak

Me raised me head to have a peek,

Who yelled at me to go to sleep,

Me Fadder!

2006-12-09 18:56:40 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fuking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some **** puts a swimming cap on me!"

2006-12-09 18:55:10 · 8 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

A Somali arrives in Saskatoon. He is a new immigrant to Canada. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country!"

But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having me in such a beautiful country of Canada!"

The person says "I no Canadian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees, he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Canada."

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not a Canadian."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you a Canadian?"

She says, "No, I am from Jamaica!"

So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Canadians?"

The Jamaican lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says..."Probably at work."

2006-12-09 18:54:21 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.



The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.



Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?"



And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was.

It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

2006-12-09 18:52:30 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Miss... Could I see your driver's license?"

"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration... What's that?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.

After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes...." replied the officer

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher

"Yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you have to do..." Said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"What? I can't do that. It's inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me... Just do it..." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs "Oh no... Not ANOTHER breathalyzer!"

2006-12-09 18:49:51 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is an empty room with no furniture, just the four walls. When you come in the is a guy who hung himself from the ceiling. (too high to jump). Underneath the guy there is a puddle. How did the guy hang himself?

2006-12-09 18:49:10 · 15 answers · asked by qesloqes 2

Whats hard and hairy on the outside...soft and wet on the inside...starts with a "C"...ends with a "T"..and has a "U" and an "N" it it?











Cu-cu-cu-cu- coconut!

2006-12-09 18:45:03 · 10 answers · asked by CaptCanuck23 2

cause its pecker was caught in ur zipper haha

2006-12-09 18:44:56 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

It gets wet

2006-12-09 18:40:12 · 8 answers · asked by ya_face_sux 1

A lady who was about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.



This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.



The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well, your Honour. It was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that read: 'The Gold Dust Twins Are Coming,' and I had to smile."



"Then she moved and sat under a sign that read: 'Sloan's Liniment Will Reduce the Swelling,' and I had to grin."



"Then she placed herself under a sign that read: 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly control myself."



"But, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that read: 'Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident,' I laughed out loud."



"Case Dismissed." replied the Judge.

2006-12-09 18:39:49 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mummy, what are they doing?". The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making
cakes".

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.

The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?". Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa"
#2
A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down, and his fly wide open. His secretary walked up to him and said, "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"

This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his Office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up.

He zipped it up and remembering what his secretary had told him, finally understood. He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary. When he reached her desk, he said, "When you saw the garage door open did you see my jaguar parked in there?"

The secretary smiled for a moment and said, No, Boss I didn't. All I saw was a Mini with 2 flat tires."

she got fired!

2006-12-09 18:37:02 · 8 answers · asked by somsom120 2

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -
Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

2006-12-09 18:36:29 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Now I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon but I need it badly. I haven’t had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out hard and soft if u would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure u can satisfy my need and I'd be very grateful if u would. I am very desperate and I need your help. you think I have a lot of nerve but I feel my tongue wrapping around it and me sucking all the juices until it is very dry. I am not going to beat around the bush no longer so... do you have a piece of gum?

2006-12-09 18:31:33 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-09 18:28:00 · 4 answers · asked by Dale T 1

There was a little girl she didn't know any bad words.
the mom was cutting the turkey and she cut herself, she said "****". the little girl says "mommy, what's '****'?" it's another word for cutting the turkey.

so the dad was shaving in the corner and he dropped his razor and said "****". The little girl said "daddy what's '****'?" And the dad replied "it's another word for shaving"

so the mom and dad were fighting. the mom says "you bastard" the little girl says "mommy what's a 'bastard'" it's another word for a man. the dad replied "you *****" and the little girl asked "daddy what's a '*****'?" it's another word for 'woman'.

so some guests arrived and the little girl says "hey you bitches and bastards mom's in the kitchen ******* the turkey and dad's in the corner shitting"

"isin't this so freaking funny?" srry for the lanuguage

2006-12-09 18:27:12 · 6 answers · asked by somsom120 2

An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Alice or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Alice came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Alice, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Alice replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like 5hit."

2006-12-09 18:26:50 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

who was pissing me off."so are you planning to get a tatoo of strawberry shortcake on your pecs?"Prior to that he has ragged on me,which caused me to asked him this question.

2006-12-09 18:21:25 · 3 answers · asked by harvey c 1

There was a man. He was climbing a 60-rung ladder that was on a 60-storey building. Surpraisingly, he was not hurt. Why was that?
OK, he did not have magical powers, he fell on a concrete ground,
he fell on his head and no, there was nothing to hold on to.

2006-12-09 18:19:35 · 9 answers · asked by - Eiren - 3

behind the counter said yes we do. so the lady brought 1. came back. This is 2 small. Do u have any bigger dildos the man say yes. So she comes back this is 2 small. so he gave her a black dildo. She comes back and says this one is still 2 small what a bout that plaid one there on the counter. He sold it 2 her. later that day the owner came back and asked where was his plaid thermos was.The guy behind the counter told him I sold it 4 a $100 bucks.

2006-12-09 18:16:28 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sting

2006-12-09 18:09:12 · 9 answers · asked by Jeremy 4

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past,
looks up, and says to the monkey: "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says: "Smokin' a joint. Come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few
tokes together. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is dry and that
he's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, ditty hops on through the jungle to the river, and leans over the riverbank to get his drink. Well, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard, and helps him to the side. The crocodile asks: "What's the matter with you??"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree, smoking
a joint with the monkey, got too stoned, and fell into the river while
taking a drink. The crocodile decides he has to check out this hippie
monkey, who must have some really good weed, and walks off into the jungle.
He finds the monkey still sitting in a tree and stoking on a joint. The
crocodile looks up and says: "Hey, you!"

The monkey looks down and says: "Ffuuucccckkkk dude! How much water did
you drink??"

2006-12-09 17:48:41 · 14 answers · asked by ThisSongsForYou 3