Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

This riddle appeared in NYT Magazine in late November. Anyone got it?

"I say a word, and then I tell you if the word is or isn't it. For example," I picked up my wineglass, "it is glass, but it isn't wine."
"Now you can ask me one word, and I'll tell you if it is or it isn't, and we keep going until you figure out what the difference is."
"Is it a plate?" he asked.
"It isn't a plate, but it is a bottle."
"It's a rabbit, but it's not a box."
"It's a tree, but it isn't a leaf."
"It's Woody, but it isn't Mia."
"It isn't stop or go or wait, it's traffic."

So what is it?

2006-12-10 04:17:04 · 10 answers · asked by GL 2

Three guys pass away on Christmas Eve and are met by St.
Peter.
St. Peter says, "In honor of the season, you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas."
The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two
lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.
"What do they symbolize?" asks St. Peter.
"They're candles!"
"Ah! You may pass through the Pearly Gates."
The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a
couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes
them.
"What do they symbolize?" inquires St. Peter.
"They're bells!"
"Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"
The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets,
finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky woman's panties.
He holds them up proudly.
Puzzled, St. Peter asks, "What do they symbolize?"
"They're Carol's!"

2006-12-10 04:12:42 · 10 answers · asked by Cuddly Lez 6

What is the first symptom of AIDS?
A deep pounding sensation in your a'ss.

2006-12-10 04:04:58 · 25 answers · asked by Underpants. 2

This is a question that I my little sister asked me. I could not answer her so I just told her to let me ask some other people and see what they have to say! No she isnt gonna try this nither. Its just a question of what if or what that?

2006-12-10 03:57:15 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head!"

2006-12-10 03:54:52 · 26 answers · asked by Underpants. 2

i am in the middle of making a book for my house mate that is moving back to Lithuania and want to put some funny poems, sayings and quotes in it... know any?!

2006-12-10 03:54:42 · 6 answers · asked by amzydoodles 1

3 Vampires take stools up at the bar and the waitress comes over to take their orders. "I'd like a pint of blood," said the first vampire. The waitress nodded. "I'd also like a pint of blood," replied the second vampire. She walks over to the last vampire. "I'd like a pint of plasma." The waitress looks down at her pad and confirms the order, "Okay, so that'll be two bloods and a blood lite."

2006-12-10 03:51:07 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

2006-12-10 03:50:58 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”

2006-12-10 03:44:33 · 32 answers · asked by Underpants. 2

he was on the lookout.Year passed, only 3 people came forward: a Japanese, Chinese and Jewish samurai. The Emperor asked the Japanese samurai to demonstrate why he should be the chief. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bee dropped dead, chopped in half. The Emperor exclaimed, "Velly implessive!" The Emperor then called on the Chinese samurai to come in and show why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into 3 small pieces. The Emperor exclaimed, "Velly, velly implessive!" Turning to the Jewish samurai, asking why he should be the chief. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The Emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Velly ambitious, but why is gnat not dead?" Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision not meant to kill."

2006-12-10 03:44:07 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?

She heard the drinks were on the house.

2006-12-10 03:35:49 · 32 answers · asked by Underpants. 2

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a bold question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "S***"

2006-12-10 03:33:26 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is - 4 H OF THE A

2006-12-10 03:32:39 · 4 answers · asked by jmb1 1

Everybody I know usually calls their dog Rover or Spot. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk I'd like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"

Then I said, "She is a dog!!"

He said he didnt care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand, I had Sex since I was 9 years old."

He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the weddimg. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life, and my life revolves around Sex."

He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everybody would like having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand! Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, Sex ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around, and I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets.

"You don't understand," I said. "I hoped to have Sex on TV!"

He called me a 'show off'!

When my wife and I split, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married, but Sex left me after I was married."

The judge said, "Me too!!"

Last night, Sex ran off again, and I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up next Thursday.

Well, now I have been thrown in jail, been divorced, and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why, just the other day when I went for my first session with my shrink, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all of my life, but now it has left me forever, I couldn't live any longer, so lonely!"

And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand sex isn't a man's best friend, so get your self a dog."

2006-12-10 03:31:17 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

can you solve this christmas song anagram?
FRESHEN TILT OWL

2006-12-10 03:30:14 · 9 answers · asked by jmb1 1

2006-12-10 03:28:41 · 5 answers · asked by roger k 3

What does Osama Bin Laden and tights have in common?

They both make Bush sweat :) I'm English, so i don't want any yank's replying with "How dare you diss our President" or "God Bless America"

2006-12-10 03:24:51 · 23 answers · asked by Underpants. 2

i was wondering how you got your 1st pie in the face

how many times have you been pied and

do you think its fun or demeaning to get a pie in the face

2006-12-10 03:17:41 · 9 answers · asked by cricketfan82 4

Tom goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother Jerry. Three days before his return he calls Jerry.

Tom : So how is my cat doing Jerry?

Jerry : He's Dead

Tom : He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could have broken the news to me in an easier way. You could have told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left, you could have told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could have told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.

Jerry : I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.

Tom : Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

Jerry : She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

2006-12-10 03:16:51 · 5 answers · asked by anitha 4

2006-12-10 03:08:56 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

if you were in a comedy sketch would you choose pie in the face,cake in the face,neither or both and why

2006-12-10 03:05:55 · 8 answers · asked by cricketfan82 4

2006-12-10 02:49:38 · 20 answers · asked by MB 1

And see's a duck dancing on a biscuit tin which is on the bar. The man is totally amazed by this talented duck and asks the landlord if he would sell it to him. After a lot of haggling the man buys the duck for £500. He takes it home, and everybody is impressed, but 8 hours later the duck is still dancing and nobody can sleep with the terrible noise coming from the biscuit tin. He rings the pub landlord and says "how do I stop this duck from dancing? it's driving me mad!" The londlord replies "Take the lid off the tin and blow fcuking candle out!"

2006-12-10 02:48:48 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-10 02:46:38 · 6 answers · asked by MB 1

2006-12-10 02:44:51 · 4 answers · asked by MB 1

9 months

2006-12-10 02:22:08 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

''an apple a day keeps the doctor away means to u.''

2006-12-10 02:16:01 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-10 02:11:14 · 11 answers · asked by MB 1

2006-12-10 01:44:22 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

On a Sunday Tanaka's parents were betting the condition was the looser will pay $10.
Mother to Father I bet you can't do laundry better than me.
Father did very fast and won the bet
Mother to Father. You can't clean toilet better than me.
Father did very fast and again won $10.
Tanaka was playing video game but listening everything.
Again Mother to Father, I bet you can't clean home better than me.
Father once aging proved his superiority and won the bet.
Mother to Tanaka, what did you bring here?
Tanaka to Mother, This is my saving box. I also want to bet.
Tanaka answered calmly, I am going to bet on all my saving that is $150. 1$ bill each he mentioned this too.
This gave a shocked to parents and they insisted that Tanaka should withdraw but Tanaka insisted on betting.
Now it is Tanaka's turn, Tanaka to Parents, I bet you can't do my homework better than me. Winner will get $10.
Mother won the bet easily.
Again Tanaka to Parents, I bet you can't clean my shoes better than me. Winner will get $10.
Again Mother won.
Tanaka to Parents, I bet on my saving which is left to total $130. If you loose each one of you
will pay me $130. If it is ok with you I will ask a question?
Parents accepted this bet and Tanaka to Parents, What is that I can do but you two can't?
Parents started thinking and they answered a lot and every time Tanaka said No,
Finally parents said we give up.
Parents to Tanaka, Ok son, please tell us what is that you can do but we can't? tell us will you?
And Tanaka replied, "GROWTH" I can grow but you can't grow any more.

2006-12-10 01:44:08 · 11 answers · asked by Ari 7