Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."

"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

2006-12-10 01:25:32 · 16 answers · asked by Tristyn 1

2006-12-10 01:21:06 · 14 answers · asked by gemma d 1

In 9 Months How Many Little Elfs Will Be Born , HEHEHE?

2006-12-10 01:20:02 · 10 answers · asked by ? 3

tell me what really happens

2 legs sat on 3 legs with 1 leg on the table. 4 legs took 1 leg from 2 legs and ran off with it. 2 legs stood up and threw 3 legs at 4 legs. 4 legs dropped 1 leg and ran off. 2 leg picked up 1 leg, ran it under the tap and started eating it

2006-12-10 01:18:35 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Tell me some news that will make me both happy and sad at the same time". So she says "Your c*ck is bigger than your brothers!".

2006-12-10 01:10:19 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

2006-12-10 01:06:15 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm while all around you there's chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing a job right the first time gets the job done. Doing the job wrong 14 times gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

Plagiarism saves time.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only 30 years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment

2006-12-10 01:01:34 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The greatest truck driver in the world was driving along a country lane late one night when his truck broke down. All he could see was a faint light in the distance, so he headed towards it.

He came to an old farmhouse and knocked on the door. "Hello," he says, "I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and my truck has broken down. I wonder could I have a bed for the night?"

"Well," says the farmer, "there's only two rooms, myself and the wife in one, and my young daughter in the other."

"Look, I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and all I want is a bed for the night, your daughter will be as safe as a house," says the greatest truck driver in the world.

"Okay," says the farmer, and they all went to bed.

At four in the morning, the farmer hears the headboard next door banging against the wall. He got up, looked in, and there was the greatest truck driver in the world driving it into his daughter, with his bare a-s-s going up and down.

The farmer went downstairs and loaded the shotgun. He snuck into the room and shoved the shotgun up the greatest truck driver in the world's a-s-shole. "Okay," he says, "if you're the greatest truck driver in the world, try and reverse out of there with a full load!"

2006-12-10 00:59:59 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

While fixing to make my morning cup of coffee,I reached over to get the sugar dish on the counter.Finding it empty
I got a 5 lb bag from the cabinet, opened it and dropped it.

I just had 5 lbs of sugar all over my countertops,microwave
in my toaster and even on the floor. I think next time its Tim Horton's or Dunkin doughnuts.

Tell me one of your stupid stories to ease my frustration and entertainment.

2006-12-10 00:59:51 · 8 answers · asked by John 5

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff". He finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running round the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ***, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his a-s-s, pulled it out, and ate it!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

2006-12-10 00:55:49 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q .. How do blonde braincells die?
A .. Alone.

Q .. How do you brainwash a blonde?
A .. Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q .. How do you drown a blond?
A .. Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Q .. How do you drown a blond?
A .. Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q .. How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A .. Flattered.

Q .. How do you confuse a blonde?
A .. You don't. They're born that way.

Q .. Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?
A .. She didn't know what number came first.

Q .. What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A .. Divorced.

Q .. How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A .. She threw it off a cliff.

Q .. How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A .. She fell out of the tree.

2006-12-10 00:53:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5 . Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember it.

6. Keep extra poly grip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed or between the thighs.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

2006-12-10 00:50:33 · 8 answers · asked by ? 3

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again"

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

2006-12-10 00:48:53 · 12 answers · asked by Woody 3

One day, a blonde goes into a store. She gets an item and walks up to the cashier. She says,"I'd like to buy this TV".

He says,"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".

The next day, she dyes her hair red and goes back in the store, but the same thing happens.

Finally, she shaves her head and goes back in. When she tries to buy it for the third time, the man refuses.

She says, "How the hell do you know I'm blonde?".

He replied, "First of all, that's a microwave."

2006-12-10 00:46:30 · 7 answers · asked by Woody 3

Life is all about BUTTS
you're either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
trying to get a piece of it,
or behaving like one ..

2006-12-10 00:44:15 · 9 answers · asked by ? 3

Did you hear about the little girl who asked Santa for a Barbie and a G.I. Joe for Christmas?

"Oh, but Barbie comes with Ken", Santa said.

"No" the little girl replied to Santa, "Barbie comes with G.I. Joe, she only fakes it with Ken!"

2006-12-10 00:36:02 · 9 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan..."

2006-12-10 00:34:06 · 9 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

10 points to winner

2006-12-10 00:27:54 · 8 answers · asked by unnoneuser 2

im sure you wont be reported and im sure that you want to win best answer. so come on and tell me your rudest longest, joke

2006-12-10 00:22:54 · 9 answers · asked by Blade 3

a magician runs into a hospital and asks at the reception where his assistant is?

the woman at the reception asnswers 'shes in wards A1 and A2'

2006-12-10 00:21:03 · 11 answers · asked by jon h 6

... the man that got a viagra pill stuck in his throat?
He had a stiff neck!

2006-12-10 00:20:04 · 11 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

2006-12-10 00:15:07 · 19 answers · asked by Chill_Out 3

wot is the web site for google

Don't post links - I want full answers only ---- I'm not lazy - this is not my homework -- 200 words or more by Monday 9am -- I'd do it myself but i think i'm pregnant

2006-12-09 23:58:41 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-09 23:46:43 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-09 23:43:23 · 21 answers · asked by amazed !!! 4

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was having a wee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." And the boy says, "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!

2006-12-09 22:50:05 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok a plane is going down pilot says 3 people need to jumb so a british guy jumps and says long live the queen and jump. another jumper Italian says long live pizza and jumps. Then a big texan walks to the jump place and says remember the ALAMO and throws a mexican out

2006-12-09 22:47:51 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours.

The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, 'Give it a shot father'. After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says 'Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!'

The Priest says, 'Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?'

The Fisherman responds (THINKING QUICKLY), 'I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!'

'Oh, I'm sorry', replied the Priest. 'I didn't know.' After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.

'Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!'

'Please Father', said the Bishop. 'Mind your language, this is a house of God.' 'No, you don't understand', said the Priest. 'That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!' 'Hmmm', said the Bishop. 'You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner.' So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent. 'Mother Superior could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?' 'My lord, what language!', said the Mother Superior.

'No, Sister', said the Bishop. 'That's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it.' 'Hmmm', replied Mother Superior. 'Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight.' Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it. 'I caught the sonofabitch!', said the Priest.

'And I cleaned the sonofabitch!', said the Bishop.

'And I cooked the sonofabitch!', said the Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, 'You know, you f*ckers are alright'.

2006-12-09 22:45:27 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

“Silence in court. The suspect will now state her side of the story”

The old lady begins,
"Your honor, I’m 86 years old. So there I was, sitting on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a handsome young man came strolling up on the porch and sat beside me. He started to rub my thigh oooh!, and it felt good, Your Honor. So I didn't stop him, and he began to rub my old breasts ooooh, Your Honor. Why, Your Honor, I hadn't felt that good in years! So I just spreaded my old legs and said to him, "TAKE ME, you gorgeous handsome young man, TAKE ME!!" That's when he Yelled, "April Fooooool!" and that's when I shot the Son of aBitch!"

2006-12-09 22:35:09 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

kid: were do babyies come from

me: most kids come from Sears with assembly instructions and
every thing its great

kid : I came from Sears!!!!!

me: most do but u were a blue light special at Kmart were u get stuff almost as good but its cheaper

kid: cries

2006-12-09 22:19:54 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous