i need a laugh!!!!!?

Question

i feel depressed and i need a laugh so tell me a joke and a couple of spaces down tell me why its funny adn the one that makes me laugh the most wins

Answer 1

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk.

Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.

"What do you have in your pocket?", she asked.

"Tennis ball,? the man said smiling back.

"Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"









Hello?", "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool? .... Is this 486-5731?"

Answer 2

4 husbands are waiting for their wives to have babies. The nurse comes out and tells the first one, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!" In reply, he says, "That's odd, I work for the Minnesota Twins!" Then another nurse comes out and tells the second man, "Congratulations! You're the father of Triplets!" In reply, he says, "That's odd, I work for 3M!" Then another nurse comes out and tells the third man, "Congratulations, You're the father of quadruplets!" In reply, he says, "That's odd, I work at the Four Seasons Hotel!" The the fourth man is banging his head against the wall. All three men ask, "What's wrong?" The fourth man then says, "I work for 7-UP!!!!!!!!!"

Hopefully that makes you laugh.

Answer 3

Santa was driving his sleigh when all of a sudden, rudolph slammed on the breaks. as rudolph stood waiting for the light to turn green, 2 pedestrians walked up to him with a puzzling look on their faces. "Why do you have boots hanging out of your
a ss", asked the man? " There was a red light and santa wasnt wearing his seatbelt" replied rudolph.

Answer 4

while walking in a park one dark night, a fat lady was being chased by a rapist . And when she was running from him, her panties dropped off. She kept running till the rapist lost sight of her. She was tired but found a bench to sit on to rest, not knowing it was on a man's face. Next day, the man told his friend "hey, last night I was very lucky! While sleeping on the park bench, someone with a very big face gave me a kiss, but her she had a bit of M.O. " now, better gimme the 10 pts !! lol

Answer 5

Here goes....
3 Strings want to go to a bar but there's a sign on the door that says "No Strings Allowed".
1st String says "I'm just gonna go on in and order a beer". He sits down, orders the beer. The bar tender says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve Strings in here. You'll have to leave".
2nd String says "I'm going to just reason with the guy". He goes in, sits down. Says to the bar tender "I know you don't serve Strings, but I've had a rough day and could really use a beer". Bar tender says "I understand sir, but I'm really sorry. That's just the rule. You'll have to leave."
3rd one says to the others "I'm GOING to get served. Watch this." He ties himself up, messes up his hair. Walks on in, sits down, orders a beer. Bar tender brings him a beer. A few minutes later he walks up and says to the String "Excuse me, but aren't you a String?". String looks up and says "No, I'm afraid not". (frayed knot)

1st joke I ever learned at age 8 and it took me about 5 years to understand what it meant. Just love that joke.

Also, my 8 year olds best joke ever. What do you call a fish without an eye?
A FSH. hehe

Answer 6

okay listen to my directions and follow carefully!


1. stare closely at the words on the screen and focus.

2. ready? are you focused? nod yes or no.

3. Now, clear your throat.

4. LOUDER.

5. purse your lips like you are about to kiss somebody.

6. stop pursing and quack like a duck.

7. moo like a cow.

8. think about how much of a losser you look and sound like! then smile, be happy your alive, and you know... it could be worse!!!



=]

Answer 7

a little girl asked her mom how old she was, her mom wouldn't tell her ...the little girl asked her mom her first name and eye color...her mom wouldn't tell her...finally she asked why her parents got divorced...her mom wouldn't tell her. So that night she looks at her moms drivers licences, then goes and finds her mom and says..." ur eyes are green, ur 39 and u and daddy got divorced cuz u got an F in sex."
it made me laugh
two guys walk into a bar and the third one ducks

Answer 8

My Joke: Pull my finger.

Why It's Funny: Cuz then I'll fart.

Not funny? At least I tried.

Answer 9

a man walked into a bar

ouch



get it? he walked INTO the bar! wouldnt b funny if he was blind tho... i no longer like this joke. u made me think to much about the joke. now im gonna have to read the other jokes to bring back my self esteem and respect for jokes in the modern world.

Answer 10

One dark day, in the middle of the night
two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they, faced one another.
Drew their knives and shot each other!
Now, if you doubt this tale is true,
ask the blind man, he saw it too.