someone please make laugh?

Question

ive been fighting all day with soon to be x
if i dont laugh soon my head will explode

Answer 1

since you are fighting with the ex- I think we can allow a little man bashing for the occasion!

Men are like.....Floor Tiles.
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years!

Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like.....Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like.....Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like.....Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Answer 2

here u go , read this and laugh out loud

Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

Answer 3

Ok, I got a few jokes that I hope you will like:

There is a tramp on a bus and he sees a nun that he is interested in, so he goes over and sits next to her. The nun gets all angry and storms off the bus. As the tramp is getting off a little bit later, the bus driver calls him over and whispers in his ear that he knows a way he could get what he wants from the nun. He tells him to go to the cemetery on a Tuesday night and wait for her because she usually comes to pray there then and all he has to do is act like G-d and he will tell her what he wants....
Anyway, Tuesday night comes and he dresses up like G-d and goes to the cemetery and sure enough the nun comes along a bit later and starts praying. All of a sudden he comes out from behind he tomb stone and says in a heavenly voice, 'I am G-d and I will answer your prayers, but first you must do something for me!', the nun replies by saying, 'oh yes G-d, what is it that you want...I'll do anything!'. The tramp then goes on to say,that she must have s*x with him, but the nun replies that she is married to the church and has to remain a virgin so could he rather do it up her asss. He says ok and they do the deed. As he finishes, he starts laughing and says, 'HAHAHAH, I'm the tramp from the bus yesterday!' to which the nun starts taking off her nun costume and replies, 'well I'm the bus driver!!!'

Ok, another one:

There are 2 guys and a woman stranded on an island. After a while of being there the woman agrees to having s*x with them because noone can live without it and in no time it becomes a daily thing. Then one day the woman eats something bad and she dies. One day later the guys are still ok....2 days later they are still managing......a week later things get a little bit more difficult for them.......2 weeks later things start getting quite hard for the 2 guys and a little bit unbearable........3 weeks later they are having a really hard time........eventually after a month when things are too unbearable to go on any longer, the one guy turns to the other and says, 'I really think it's time we stop having s*x with her and bury the body!'

My last joke:

There is a guy that becomes a sailor on a ship. As they head out to sea on the first day, he asks another sailor what they do for s*x on the boat seeing as there are no woman aboard. The sailor takes him below deck and points to a barrel there with a hole in it, he says, 'You see this hole? You stick your d*ck in there and do your thing!'. He tries it out and it's great, so he runs back to the same sailor and asks him if he could do this every day. He replies that he could do it every day except Tuesday. Curious, he asks why not on Tuesday....the sailor replies, 'Cos my friend....on Tuesdays, it's your turn inside the barrel!!!'

Haha, I hope you like my jokes! I'l be here all week except Friday! *Bow* ;)

Answer 4

I' ll give you three, cheer up!

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he is being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. "Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?"

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.

The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"





An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

'Well' he explained' By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen'.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English fool and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.

'Well' he explained' By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen'.

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland fools and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.

'Well' he explained,' by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure.......'





Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a lawyer sits in the seat by the aisle.
The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get a glass of coke."
"No problem," says the lawyer, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."

While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe & spits in it.
When he returns with the coke, the other physician says,
"That looks good! I think I'll have one too."

Again, the lawyer obligingly fetches the drink.
While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe & spits in it.

The lawyer comes back & enjoys the flight.
However, as the plane is landing, the lawyer slips his feet into
his shoes& realizes immediately what has happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians.

"This fighting between our professions?”

“This hatred?”

“This animosity?”

“This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

Answer 5

Okay, let's see....

Think of clown vomit.

If Carlin's concept doesn't do it for you, then picture what a butthead he's being right now. This man who you're getting ready to kick to the curb; think of him.

Now picture the fact that someone will probably think he's a good catch and end up marrying him.

Smile. It coulda been you :)

Answer 6

Last night, I learned of a new book for children aged 4 to 8. There is a two book collection with a plush toy available. Check it out below:

Answer 7

Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers


This one is worth passing on to for everyone who:

a) has kids

b) had kids

c) was a kid

d) knows a kid

e) is going to have kids

I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Answer 8

Why did the blonde change her baby's diaper once a week?

The box said "Up to 20 pounds".

Answer 9

just take a deep breath and laugh

Answer 10

Try not to smile.

Pull a straight face.

Look in the mirror an do not smile.

Say 'Im not going to laugh'