Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

2006-12-12 06:00:01 · 15 answers · asked by charles d 1

They make jokes about real rubbish subjects like tampons and their fat behinds! Come on ladies lets have some proper jokes!

2006-12-12 05:51:05 · 16 answers · asked by Sir Sidney Snot 6

"this message brought to you by the department of redundancy department."

2006-12-12 05:39:12 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-12 05:33:59 · 6 answers · asked by Peter S 2

I'm not satisfied by this warning!
(Asking costs you 5 points. You can ask 5 more questions today.
You have 110 points.Earn more points by answering other people's questions.)

2006-12-12 05:30:20 · 4 answers · asked by Panther Girl 1

Answer all 3 riddles and see how smart you are.............answer correctly and the first right answer for all 3 riddles recieves a high rating.........good luck all.........


What is it?
The one who makes it sells it.
The one who buys it doesn't use it.
The one who's using it doesn't know he's using it.
What is it?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the longest word in the dictionary? (A clue: The answer is the plural form of the word.)
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What can you hold without it ever using your arms or hands?

2006-12-12 05:21:55 · 13 answers · asked by googleh20 2

who I tell jokes and stories to every day. I try to make them clever and funny. Do you think she will go out with me because I'm such a cunning linguist??

2006-12-12 05:14:51 · 19 answers · asked by al p 3

In my hand I hold two coins that equal 30 cents, and one of them is not a nickel, so what is it?

2006-12-12 05:13:56 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.

The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.

Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"

The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."

"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.

The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.

The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.

"I'll take him," he says.

When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."

"Karate," she yells. "Karate my ***!"

2006-12-12 05:09:15 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!

2006-12-12 05:02:08 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-12 05:00:24 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a boy who wanted to go out for recess. His teacher asked, "First tell me your ABC's". That night, the kid asks his mother "What're my ABC's?" She says, "Shut up!" He asks his sister the same question. She says, "yeah, yeah". He asks his brother his ABC's. The broter, who was reading comics, said, "Superman!" The boy asks his father his ABC's. The father, who had just lost his job, said, "Crap." The next day, the teacher asked the boy his ABC's. He said "Shut up" She said "Do you want to go to the principal's office?" He said, "yeah, yeah." In the principal's office, the principal demanded, "Who do you think you are?" The boy yelled, "Superman!" The principal said, "What do you think this school is made out of?" The boy answered, "Crap."

2006-12-12 04:51:14 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman : Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman : I Froze to Death.
2nd woman : How Horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm &sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the
act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and f inally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive !

2006-12-12 04:51:10 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I've had a cr*p day and a massive row with my sister.
After years of s*it and her stroppy attitude I told her what I thought.

I have my driving test on Friday and I'm scared


Can anyone make me smile, do you know any gags about driving instructors.
Have you heard anything funny recently wether about driving or just something funny ????
Any funny stories ???

2006-12-12 04:43:38 · 9 answers · asked by Elle J Morgan 6

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.

2006-12-12 04:39:06 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

An amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." the mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

2006-12-12 04:30:09 · 17 answers · asked by Underpants. 2

What is the sword.

2006-12-12 04:23:57 · 11 answers · asked by truthsayer777 2

I posted a riddle. Is there a way to post the answer to it???

2006-12-12 04:22:01 · 9 answers · asked by B_U_T_FULL 2

In what country do they use Yak's milk as currency?

Oh, and more if you can answer this bonus...

In what country is it legal to duel as long as you are a registered blood doner?

2006-12-12 04:15:18 · 12 answers · asked by B_U_T_FULL 2

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear

Multiple Personality: We Three Queens Disoriented Are!

Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!

Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

Paranoia: Santa Claus Is Coming To Town To Get Me

Mania: Deck The Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town

Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely

Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, then maybe I'll tell you why!

Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock

Suicidal: Thoughts of Roasting On an Open Fire

Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (then took away

2006-12-12 04:12:16 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Applying for a Job at the CIA

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a ***** to death with the chair!"

2006-12-12 04:10:12 · 17 answers · asked by Tabor 4

Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was p*ssed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my @ss for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady b*tches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those @ssholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little sh*ts
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

2006-12-12 03:52:00 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

i am a cause of living if u remove ist 3 letters i am preposition. if u remove ist 4 letters u can drink m. what am I?

2006-12-12 03:44:45 · 10 answers · asked by mongat 1

2006-12-12 03:42:01 · 6 answers · asked by Crackerass 2

A long haired youth was hitching a ride in the Deep South.After a few minutes a truck stopped and the boy got in.
They drove for about twenty miles and very few words were spoken,the trucker occasionally giving the boy a mean stare.
The boy said, ’ You haven’t asked me yet if I’m aboy or a girl. ’
’ It don’t make no difference, I’m gonna f--k you anyway ’ replied the trucker.

2006-12-12 03:40:33 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

in a house there are three switches downstairs and upstairs there is 3 light bulbs. if you could only go upstairs once how would you know which switch belongs to which light bulb?

2006-12-12 03:40:28 · 24 answers · asked by delmore 2

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a
pet shop looking for
an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop
owner suggested a
parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous
Christmas carols.
This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get
him to sing?" The
young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his left
foot like this,"
was the shop owner's reply. Chet began to sing,
"Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells! ".
The shop owner then held another match under the
parrot's right foot.
Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled
with "Silent Night,
Holy Night".
The young man was so impressed that he paid the
shop-keeper and ran home
as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.
When the wife saw her
gift, she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" she
exclaimed. "Can he
talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "but he can sing. Let
me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed
it under Chet's left
foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet
crooned, "Jingle
Bells!" The man then moved the lighter to Chet's
right foot, and out
came, "Silent Night. Holy Night".
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then
asked, "What if we hold
the lighter between his legs?" The man did not
know. "Let's try
it." he answered, eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet
twisted his face,
cleared his throat, and sang out loudly (like it was
the performance of
his life) "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

2006-12-12 03:29:39 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

You are sitting in a boat floating in a swimming pool. At the bottom of your boat is a heavy weight. You pick up the weight and drop it into water and it immediately sinks to the bottom of the pool. What happens to the water level in the pool?

2006-12-12 03:27:53 · 13 answers · asked by SmartAce 3

2006-12-12 03:26:37 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

i am in class rite now and im really bored and ii wanna hear some funny or embarresing stories so ii can drown out my teacher w/ laughter

2006-12-12 03:22:06 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous