Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

2006-12-12 09:06:47 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A prostitute who is a little bit deaf meets a man in a bar and after a few drinks takes him home. When he takes off his clothes she says "I thought you said you had at least a foot (12 inches)". He repled "no I said I had athletes foot".

2006-12-12 09:06:04 · 21 answers · asked by rhinoharris 3

Alright, this boy goes to his grandparents house and his grandpa is sitting on the porch with nothing on from the waist down. The boy is like, "Grandpa what are you doing "and he doesn't answer, He asks again, "Grandpa what the hell are you doing with no clothes from the waist down" and he answers, "well because last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. It was your damn grandmas idea OK!"

2006-12-12 09:05:21 · 13 answers · asked by jason c 4

he offends some redneck and gets punched out.
Texan hecklers don't just yell at you

http://www.wwtdd.com/post.phtml?pk=1675

2006-12-12 09:03:54 · 2 answers · asked by al p 3

Private Weston was staitioned in Arabia during Desert Storm in a fairly isolated location in the desert. After a couple of weeks without seeing a single woman, he inquired to his sergeant about some leave to get some action.

"Well, hell boy, just use the camel. Like everyone else.", the sergeant replied. Private Weston looked at the smelly animal, drooling all over the place.

"What do you think I am, some sick pervert?" he says.

The sergeant just shrugs, "Suit yourself."

A couple of weeks pass by. And the pressure is just building in the loins of private Weston. He again approaches his sergeant.

"Serg, you just gotta give me some leave or I'm gonna bust."

The sergeant says, "Look boy I toldya if you want some action, go use the camel. Weston goes over to the camel. He walks behind it and sees all the fleas and dirt surrounding the camel's butt.

"Nope, still not that desperate", he says to himself and walks away. More weeks go by and Private Weston once again approaches his sergeant. Before he can speak the sergeant yells,"Look Weston, I'm not telling you again. Either use the camel or forget it!"

Chastised, Private Weston goes to the camel. "Well at least its a large, furry, female mammal", he thinks.

He walks behind the camel and goes at it. After he's done, the sergeant walks up to him, visibly shaken and says, "Look, man, the others use the camel to ride into town and pick up girls."

2006-12-12 09:03:36 · 14 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line, the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, "Those hives are pretty close to the road."

The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone.

The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn't stung then he would pay the farmer double the price.

The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the tree.

The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale.

"Oh no!" the farmer thought, "He got stung and now I have to give him the farm!"

As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.

"No, no, I'm okay," gasped the naked man, "I'll pay you double for the farm, but doesn't that damn calf have a mother?"

2006-12-12 09:01:32 · 19 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years before. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales." The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly.

Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells "They're going to shore -- Let's go gobble them up!"

Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "Look", she says, "I agreed to the bl0w job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"

2006-12-12 08:59:23 · 26 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

please try to answer all of them even if it is a guess then whoever gets the most right gets ten points

1.how do you make holy water?

2There is a sphyco in the woods and he is trying to get through...how does he do it?

3.what do you call a sunken ship at the bottom of the ocean twitching?

4.what is another way to spell "we" without using the two letters w and e?

answers will be posted in 20 minutes

ok now here is a joke just for the heck of it...its probably not funny but w/e no offense to blondes...i am one so yea

there was a blonde in a middle of a corn field rowing in a row boat then another blonde pulls up in a truck and says "its blondes like you if give us blondes a bad name! If i could swim i would come over there and kick your ars!"

2006-12-12 08:50:33 · 4 answers · asked by oh dang!its Katie 2

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall when a flower show was in progress. One leaned over to the other and said, "Cripes! life is boring, we never have any fun these days. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.

As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall, followed by loud applause.

The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"Wow, what happened?" asked his friend.

"It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for The Best Dried Arrangement!"

2006-12-12 08:45:58 · 24 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

He only "comes" once a year!

2006-12-12 08:45:47 · 8 answers · asked by guvner_46 3

please try to answer all of them even if it is a guess then whoever gets the most right gets ten points

1.how do you make holy water?

2There is a syphco in the woods and he is trying to get through...how does he do it?

3.what do you call a sunken ship at the bottom of the ocean twitching?

4.what is another way to spell "we" without using the two letters w and e?

answers will be posted in 20 minutes

ok now here is a joke just for the heck of it...its probably not funny but w/e no offense to blondes...i am one so yea

there was a blonde in a middle of a corn field rowing in a row boat then another blonde pulls up in a truck and says "its blondes like you if give us blondes a bad name! If i could swim i would come over there and kick your ars!"

2006-12-12 08:43:42 · 6 answers · asked by oh dang!its Katie 2

A man walks into a sex shop and ask for a sex doll. The assistant says "christian or musslim"? The man says "what's the difference"?. The assistant says "well the musslims blow themselves up".

2006-12-12 08:42:16 · 33 answers · asked by rhinoharris 3

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion.

Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" the doctor asked.

"Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief. But then he added, "I've had some strange side effects."

"What's that that?" the doctors asked anxiously.

"Well, every time I piss my eyes water. When my wife gives me a bl0w job she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on".

2006-12-12 08:41:36 · 14 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

2006-12-12 08:34:16 · 11 answers · asked by Anthony G 1

I'm talking about two words that have never been said in succession before...even if one is at the end of a sentence, and the second part of the pair is the first word of the next sentence...So, it's gotta be pretty far-fetched.

2006-12-12 08:30:08 · 11 answers · asked by jdmack102 2

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?", he asked.

"Yes, I am."

The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"

"Yes, I am," she said.

"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"

"Yes, I am," his father answered.

The baby motioned him to come closer, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying, "I want you to know that that hurts!"

2006-12-12 08:25:10 · 48 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

What is the mating cry of a blonde?

I am SOOOOOOO drunk!!

Why are bonde jokes so short?

So men and brunettes will be able to understand them too.

2006-12-12 08:24:54 · 5 answers · asked by Mad Roy 6

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc...

After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

2006-12-12 08:22:32 · 17 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A guy goes into a bar and says, "Gimme a gin and tonic." The bartender reaches under the bar and places an apple on it. The guys looks and the apple skeptically and the bartender says, "Go ahead. Take a bite." The guy takes a bite and incredibly, it tastes like gin. The bartender smiles and says, "Turn it around." He does and it tastes like tonic. He finishes the apple.

A few minutes pass and the guy says, "Gimme a vodka and orange juice." The bartender once again reaches behind the bar and places another apple on it. The guy eyes the suspicious fruit and the bartender says, "Go ahead. Take a bite." He bites into it and he can't believe it. It tastes like vodka. The bartender smiles and says, "Turn it around." The guys turns the apple and it tastes like orange juice, so he finishes the apple.

Just then, a beautiful woman walks past the two men and the guy says to the bartender, "You know, I could sure go for some ***** about now."

2006-12-12 08:19:29 · 27 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop when he noticed a suspicious looking package, he opened it and inside there was a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it.He got on the phone straight away to the police."Is it ticking" asked the policeman."No ", replied Paddy, "i dink its a ham salad".

2006-12-12 08:18:18 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pastor named John Fuzz was walking through town when he walked by a bar and spotted a woman who was a member of his congregation drinking in the bar. He walked into the bar and said "You shouldn't be drinking. It isn't right. The woman replied, "You're right." The pastor then offered to take her home. The woman was so drunk when she began to stand up she lost her balance and grabbed onto the pastor and both fell on the floor. The pastor was struggling to get her back up when her skirt went up above her waist. Just then the bartender walked by and said "Hey, we don't allow that kind of behavior in here. You are going to have to leave." The pastor replied, "But you don't understand. I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender then said "Well, ok. If you're that far along, go ahead."

2006-12-12 08:18:08 · 13 answers · asked by #1betterthanyou 1

2006-12-12 08:18:02 · 13 answers · asked by alltooconfused 1

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping through the forest on her way to Grandma's house. Suddenly, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of the forest and says, " Your in deep trouble Little Red Riding Hood. I'm going to rip off your clothes and screw you until you faint." With that, Little Red Riding Hood reaches into her basket and pulls out a very large handgun, points it at the Big Bad Wolf and says. "No you're not, you're going to drop to your knees and EAT ME, just like the story says!"

2006-12-12 08:16:36 · 17 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

2006-12-12 08:14:22 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-12 08:13:34 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

They both go into kid's rooms and empty their sacks!

2006-12-12 08:12:49 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

serial killer drags his latest victim through the woods, victim pleads and cries,( please i'm scared, its dark, let me go) this goes on for next ten minutes, the killer has had enough, he turns round and say's for f**ks sake, least you don't have to walk back on your own.

2006-12-12 08:11:54 · 17 answers · asked by CRAIG G 1

Bert had been married for years, and was starting to have some problems getting it up. One of his friends told him that he should surprise his wife one of these nights, and things would change. His friend told him to sneak in, really late one night, and crawl quietly into bed beside his wife without waking her up. Then he is to slowly reach down into her panties and play around a bit, then wipe it on his face. That would turn him on, and once he woke her up, she woulldn't resist his hardon. So he waits a few days, sneaks in, and crawls into bed beside his wife. He sticks his hand down her panties, and plays around a bit, then wipes it all over his face. Sure enough, he was getting horny, so he repeated this a few times. Shortly he had a hard on a squirrel couldn't climb. He was very happy, and turned on the light, and woke up his wife. "Honey, do you notice anything different about me?"

She took one look at him, and said "Yeah, have you been fighting again? There is fresh blood all over your face!"

2006-12-12 08:10:58 · 19 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

in hospital, after he ran through a naked ladies legs. The doctor said he received a clit to the ear, a flap to the face and a crack on the head.!!

2006-12-12 08:08:37 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I heard both of these from a friend just wanted to tell Y'all




There was a blonde a brunette and a redhead and they were stranded on an island and the blonde found a lamp and so they rubbed the lamp and the brunette said "I wish I was with my family" *POOF* she was gone and so the redhead rubbed the lamp and said "I wish I was at home" *POOF* she was gone so finally the blonde rubbed the lamp and said "I wish I was with my friends" *POOF* they were back.




There was a blonde, brunette, and a redhead and they were stranded on an island and they found a mirror and they got to tell it one thing each so the brunnete walked up to it and said "I think I 'm the most beautiful" *POOF* she was gone the she redhead walked up to it and said "I think I'm the richest" *POOF* she was gone then the blonde walked up to it and said "I think.." *POOF* she was gone.

2006-12-12 08:06:55 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous