Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

There was once a Indian and an Pakistani who lived next door to each other. The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Pakistani pick up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Indian said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, who ever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Pakistani and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Pakistani fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Pakistani stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Indian said, "Keep the damn egg!"

2006-12-11 22:59:47 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous

... he gets into his parents bed, but - finding there's not much room - reaches over to his father and lets some of his air out.

Wheeeeeeeee

Little red balloon is settled for a while but soon becomes squashed. He reaches over to his mother and lets some of her air out too.

Wheeeeeeee.

He then closes his eyes and tries to sleep, but is STILL uncomfortable - so reaches up and lets some of his own air out.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Finding himself in immense comfort, he closes his eyes once more and enjoys a terrific night's sleep.

In the morning he wakes up to find mother balloon and father balloon staring crossly at him.

"Well," says father balloon, "You've let me down, you've let your mother down and you've let yourself down."

2006-12-11 22:56:23 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here are the funnest riddles. Some are tough, some are easy, let's see how clever you all are!

Ex. Q: What letter is like London?
A: E because it is the capitol of England

Ex. Q: What letter is like an island?
A: T because it is in the middle of water.

Get it? Let's go!

1. What letter adds great value to a pear?
2. What letter is like a cow's tail?
3. What letter is like death?
4. What letter widens a road?
5. What letter cannot be seen?
6. What letter changes the sex of a lad?
7. What letter is like New Years Day?


Well, there can be more than one answer... but I'll pick the one's who's the most creative.

I'll post the official answers in a day or two.

2006-12-11 22:37:51 · 5 answers · asked by RanJAH 3

Geeez.. I mean its like you're allowed to offend fat people, men, smokers, English people... that's fine... but tell a GAY joke?!?!

Do that and you are an IGNORANT BIGOT WHO DESERVES TO HAVE HIS BALLS CUT OFF LIKE THE DISGUSTING PIG YOU ARE!! SHAME ON YOU FOR BEING SUCH A VILE WRETCHED HOMOPHOBE, YOU DESERVE TO BE LOCKED UP FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Like... it's only a joke... can you not learn to laugh at yourself like the rest of us?

2006-12-11 22:27:22 · 17 answers · asked by Buck Flair 4

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: “My beer seems crystal-clear.”
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him

SYMPTOM: “I don't recognize anyone, I don't recognize the room I’m in.”
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: Go see if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM:” My feet are cold and wet.”
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: “My feet are warm and wet.”
FAULT: You’ve pissed your pants.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: “That’s funny, the opposite wall is covered with fluorescent lights.”
FAULT: You have fallen over backwards.
ACTION: Stop staring at the ceiling, get off your @ss.

SYMPTOM: “Where’d these cigarette butts in my mouth come from?”
FAULT: This time you have fallen forward.
ACTION: Tell your friends you’ve lost a contact lens. Get up!

SYMPTOM: “This beer’s tasteless & the front of my shirt’s wet.”
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: “Whoa, cool, the floor’s moving!”
FAULT: No, you are not ‘moonwalking’ , you’re being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.


SYMPTOM: “Now everyone’s looking up at me & smiling.”
FAULT: You are dancing on the table again.
ACTION: “Get off before you break into karaoke.


SYMPTOM: “Woa, I’ve never been singing this good in my life!”
FAULT: Ease off on the beer.
ACTION: Did I just not tell you to get off the table!!!


SYMPTOM: “I can't remember the words to this next song.”
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

2006-12-11 22:22:13 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I cannot go to school today because...

2006-12-11 22:18:32 · 12 answers · asked by freegrounds 1

need to practice for next competition

2006-12-11 22:11:37 · 3 answers · asked by leonard24seven 4

a geezer sat chilling in his chair.wen his irate mrs storms in and wallops him with a rolin pin...wo wo wo he screams wots that all about..so she shows him the peice of paper out of his jeans..with the words mary-ellen written on it..he said you stupuid cow that is a tip the lads give me at work for ascot.i wrote it down so i would nt forget the name..so she shuffled back in to the kitchen feeling bad..the day after he was sat again in his fav chair..she only comes flying back in and banjos him with the frying pan.....he said whats that for?.................your horse phoned she replied

2006-12-11 22:09:46 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 boys were sat at the breakfast table. Mom asks first kid "what do you want for breakfast son?" "I'll have some f*cking cornflakes.". WALLOP! Mom smacks him round the head. She asks second boy "What do you want for breakfast son?" "I'll have some f*cking cornflakes." SMACK! She whacks him round the head. "what do you want for breakfast?" she asks the third boy. "Well I'd be a c*nt to ask for cornflakes".......

2006-12-11 21:56:07 · 19 answers · asked by singa_dude 3

SEcu4rE

2006-12-11 21:53:17 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

No matter we have the Salary of Rs. 3000/- or Rs. 30000/- our pockets are empty in the end of the month. Whats going on ....who is drilling a whole in our pockets....?

2006-12-11 21:52:21 · 6 answers · asked by The Answering Machine 4

Husband asks his wife where would she like to go for their anniversary

She replies 'somewhere i have never been before'

he says okay close you eyes

when the wife opens her eyes, she's standing in the kitchen

her husband says you've arrived.

2006-12-11 21:51:44 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two Irishmen were flying home from London. Shortly after taking off there was a big explosion and the pilot announces that one of the four engines has gone and the flight will take 20 minutes longer. Not long afterwards the pilot announces that a second engine has failed and the flight time will be 40 minutes longer. Half an hour later the pilot speaks to the passenger again to say that the third engine has gone out and they will arrive an hour late. At this time, one of the Irishman turns to the other and remarks "I hope that fourth engine keeps going or we'll be up here all night."

2006-12-11 21:46:11 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

no youve been framed

2006-12-11 21:41:07 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

write ONE..with 1 letter...?

2006-12-11 21:26:31 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

whats taller than the tallest, smaller than the smallest, greater than god, worse than the devil, dead men eat it and if you eat it you die

2006-12-11 21:25:34 · 12 answers · asked by OllY 1

The boy stood on the burning deck.
With a pocket full of crackers.
One fell down between his leg,
And ?????????????????????
Oh, they're firecrackers by the way!

2006-12-11 21:23:56 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

2006-12-11 21:07:40 · 29 answers · asked by axilaryguy 1

there is a room that has a man in it. the man is hanging by a rope comming down from the roof. There are no windows and the room is completely empty except for a puddle on the floor below him. The roof is 10 metres from the floor. He is only a very short man. How did he get there?

2006-12-11 21:02:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."

The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"

The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."

The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

2006-12-11 21:02:13 · 26 answers · asked by axilaryguy 1

choose one person..ANYONE..who you want to be stranded in an island with and why..

2006-12-11 20:49:23 · 13 answers · asked by jojo16 2

there are two rooms that distance between them is 50 m .in one of them , there is a lamp and in the other room there are three swich that one of them turn on/off that lamp . how can we know which swich is the right one by only one time going to the room that have the lamp ?

2006-12-11 20:48:47 · 9 answers · asked by spirit 1

A kiwi has just stepped off the plane in Boston & all he wants is to check into his hotel, have a beer & fall asleep. He stops a passerby & politely asks him, "Hey mate do you know where the Hilton's at? The man looks at the kiwi & says in a rich, educated voice, "We in the educated city of Boston know better than to end a sentence with a preposition. If you would care to rephrase your question, I'll certainly do my best to answer it." The Kiwi thinks about this for a second then replies, "Do you know where the Hilton's at, f---wit?"
-----------------------------------------------------
One night as a couple lies down for bed the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder & starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says,"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow & I want to stay fresh." Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls back over & taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

2006-12-11 20:34:20 · 7 answers · asked by gee 2

two idiots were walking near a forest. They seen some tracks on the ground. one said they were fox tracks but the other argued and said they were rabbit tracks. They argued for ten minutes until a train hit them.

2006-12-11 20:31:55 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on
the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it
gets!"

(i hope its not too dirty,,,,,,dont mind if u think it is)

2006-12-11 20:27:08 · 19 answers · asked by axilaryguy 1

Whats your Definition of Heaven and Hell?

Here is mine:

In Heaven: the Germans are the mechanics, the English are the police, the French are the cooks, the Swiss run the government and the Italians are the lovers.

In Hell: The Germans are the police, the French run the government, the Swiss are the lovers, the Italians are the mechanics and the English are the cooks!

Anyone else have religious joke to share? Preferably no swearing.

10 points to best return joke.

Blessings,
David

2006-12-11 20:26:23 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer are driving down a mountain road when the brakes fail. They scream down the mountain gaining speed every second and screeching around corners. Finally they manage to stop, more by luck than by judgement, inches from a thousand foot drop to the jagged rocks on the valley floor. More than slightly shaken, they emerge from the car. 'I think I can fix it,' says the computer engineer. The systems analyst says, 'No, I think we should take it into town and have a specialist examine it.' The programmer holding his chin between thumb and forefinger says, 'Okay, but first I think we should get back in and see if it does it again..'

2006-12-11 20:23:03 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is thrown into a cell with two doors. He is told that one door leads to freedom whilst the other to certain death - he is not told which is which.

On each door stands a guard and the man is told that one of these guards always tells the truth whilst the other always a lie - again, he is not told which is which.

The warder tells the man he is allowed to ask one of the guards one question and one question only and then he must choose one of the doors.

The man thinks for a moment, approaches one of the guards, asks his one question and then confidently opens the door to freedom.

What was the question?

2006-12-11 20:22:36 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your own wife fell three times this week."

2006-12-11 20:06:51 · 18 answers · asked by yasminrules17 4

She's on one side of the pond, I'm on the other. We've mailed, we've spoken, but we've never actually met (in the flesh, if you see what I'm getting at). It would be awfully romantic to meet half-way, but we'd sink, without a boat (the best way to meet-the-maker, perhaps, with her in my arms, but I doubt that either of us is ready to have our hearts weighed yet).
Can we borrow your yacht?

2006-12-11 20:04:08 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous