Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Revenge Is Sweet
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's ****.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's ****.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

2006-11-19 15:46:53 · 9 answers · asked by meemeemee40 5

FUNNY JOKES, not too long, adult or not... Need some new jokes that actually make me laugh...

2006-11-19 15:19:20 · 10 answers · asked by sweet_chic_3003 1

Embarassing or not, what is the most hilarious thing you have ever done, or experienced...?

2006-11-19 15:09:26 · 10 answers · asked by sweet_chic_3003 1

A French painter, musician and engineer were being executed by guillotine. When they put the painter's head through the object and jerked the rope, the blade got stuck just as it nicked his neck.
Since the French have a law against double jepardy, they let him go.
They oiled the blade before having the musician stick his head into it. Again the blade stuck on it's way down and he too was freed.
When they brought the engineer over he said "If you were to losen these screws a half turn I think it would work".
And it did.

2006-11-19 15:08:07 · 8 answers · asked by the shadow knows 3

What's your best redneck line? I think there so funny and haven't heard any in a while. And yes, I know I'm not normal :)

2006-11-19 15:05:47 · 10 answers · asked by asheslovesjoel 2

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

2006-11-19 15:02:42 · 18 answers · asked by meemeemee40 5

you find yourself beginning to like accordion music

lawn care has become a big highlight of your life

your underwear creeps up on you...and you enjoy it

you tune into the easy listening...on purpose

you discover that your measurements are now small, medium, large...in that order

you keep repeating yourself

you start videotaping daytime game shows

at cafeterias, you complain that the jello is too tough

your new easy chair has more options than your car

when you do the 'hokey pokey' you put your left hip out...and it stays out

one of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle

conversations with people your own age often turn into 'dueling ailments

you keep repeating yourself

it takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump

you’re on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker

you begin with every other sentence with, 'nowadays...'

you run out of breath walking down a flight of stairs

you look both ways before crossing the room

you come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity

it takes you all night to do what you used to do all night

you go to a garden party and your mainly interested in the garden

you find your mouth making promises your body cant keep

at parties you attend, ‘regularity’ is considered the topic of choice

you start beating everyone else at trivia games

you frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread used to cost

your back goes out more than you do

you keep repeating yourself

your childhood toys are now in a museum

the clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style…come back in style

all of your favorite movies are now revised in color

the car that you bought brand new is now a very valuable antique

you keep repeating yourself

you find this list tasteless and insensitive

2006-11-19 15:00:18 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Blonde with an economy class ticket got on the plane. She insisted on sitting in first class. The stewards all tried to get her to move back where she belonged. She merely shrugged them off saying "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to Fort Worth. The stewards went into the cockpit to talk to the pilot. The co-pilot said ... she's blonde? They said yes, and she said I'm married to a blonde. I know how to talk to her. So she went back and whispered to the woman. The passenger immediately jumped up and went back to economy saying I'm sorry, I didn't know. The rest of the flight crew wanted to know exactly what she said, so the co-pilot told them ... I said, First class isn't going to Fort Worth

Corny, or not

2006-11-19 14:59:21 · 23 answers · asked by istitch2 6

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

2006-11-19 14:48:31 · 13 answers · asked by meemeemee40 5

We would have a lot more Pu**y eaten on Thanksgiving!!!!

2006-11-19 14:42:52 · 13 answers · asked by Me! 2

Mine are:
Here lies Les Moore. Took two slugs from a .44. No Les, no more.
and:
I told you i was sick!

2006-11-19 14:34:55 · 9 answers · asked by gungrave4531 2

The Tearful Bride...

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.

She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a

misunderstanding."

"No, mother," you don't understand.

"I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the

price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom.

"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the

package and it said -

'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"

2006-11-19 14:28:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man, who's not a creep

One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long

One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks

I pray he's gainfully employed
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed

Pulls out my chair and opens my door
Massages my back and begs to do more

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge b-o-o-b-s
Who owns a liquor store and a golf course.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s-h-i-t.

2006-11-19 14:12:04 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

please help me stay occupied whilst i waot for the new zelda to come out, but on gamecube not stupid wii, i neet enlightenment!!!

2006-11-19 13:59:22 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

(inappropriate is ok.)

2006-11-19 13:52:56 · 16 answers · asked by Ali 1

There were 3 people on death row. They were going to be executed by shooting. When it was the first persons turn he figured out a way to get away from his death. When the prison guard said ready aim the prisoner said earthquake and every body ran away including the prisoner. When it was he second prisoner's turn he did the same thing except yelled tornado! HE got away and was hiding out with the first prisoner. The third guy came and tried to do the same as the first two but when the prison guard said ready aim the prisoner said fire!

2006-11-19 13:50:06 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

No I.P. Freely or Amanda Hugandkiss please!
Be creative, and vile if you must. Thanks!

2006-11-19 13:31:18 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. The insurance premiums are not up to date.
9. Then who would bring you coffee in bed?
8. On cold winter nights when your toes are frozen, he has more
square inches of warm flesh than any non-industrial
hot-water bottle.
7. Without the trials of life with your husband to expound on
at work, then how would you continue to have all your
friends see you as a saintly martyr?
6. You can't always be your own designated driver.
5. Who else will eat your stir-fried tofu rolled in sesame
seeds and pretend to like it?
4. When you run out of razor blades you can always borrow his -
he'll never notice ;-)
3. You need an excuse (I'd love to stay but my husband gets so
ansty if I'm not home when I promised) to get out of all
those deadly work socials.
2. Otherwise you sit around all evening talking to yourself.
1. You want to wait for a shot at double indemnity.

2006-11-19 13:28:11 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. Oprah did a show on cheating husbands and now you suspect that he's
up to hanky panky with his secretary.
9. Geraldo did a show on "Husband Who Hate Their Wives" so you have to
strike him before he strikes you.
8. Donahue did a show on "Husbands Who Cheat With Other Men" and now
your husband disgusts you.
7. Your neighbour's dog told you to kill your husband.
6. Your backyard soil needs nourishment and his body can provide it.
5. He'll be more useful dead than alive.
4. You could really, really, really use the insurance money.
3. There is no number three. (Do not read beyond the word three...
caught you!)
2. Bored Housewife's Syndrome.
1. Possibility exists of getting another husband who doesn't make
embarrassing sounds with his armpits.

2006-11-19 13:27:05 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Caus' they came from "afar."

2006-11-19 13:23:40 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The teacher put two baskets of treats on her desk, a basket of apples and a basket of cookies.

She told the students to each take only one treat.
Next to the basket of apples was a sign:
Take only one, God is watching.

As one little boy reached over to take a cookie, the boy next to him said, "Take all you want, God's watching the apples"!

2006-11-19 13:19:34 · 14 answers · asked by smile♥ 3

1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.

2. In the memo field of all your checks write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

6. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."

7. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

9. Ask people what gender they are.

10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

2006-11-19 13:16:21 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The female passenger will have to pee every 50 miles, no matter how fast you drive.

The minute you pass a "Last exit for 50 miles" sign, someone will have to pee.

The millisecond you throw a beer bottle from your car, a state trooper will appear.

The exact change toll lane moves slower than the lane that has to make change.

Toll booth operators must possess at least two of the following qualities:
-Less than ten digits
-Lack of teeth
-A rare skin disorder
-The ability to mispronounce the simplest of words
-The inability to give directions in under ten minutes

If you approach an empty intersection at 3:00 AM, the light will turn red and stick for two or three cycles.

The minute you decide to run the red light at 3:00 AM, a state trooper will appear.

When the gas gauge needle hits "E", there's still a gallon left in the tank.

When the gas gauge needle hits "F", the tank isn't really full.

Car trouble never happens until you have an important meeting, are already running late, or are at least 100 miles from any type of help.

2006-11-19 13:14:27 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-19 13:13:47 · 23 answers · asked by freddy197120032003 3

The local mayor visits a mental hospital, and is greeted by the head carer for a tour, He asks...How do you determine when a patient is released?
Oh thats easy, said the carer.....We fill a bath of water,and give the patient a spoon, a cup, and a bucket,and tell them to empty it...
Oh i get it said the mayor,,If they empty it with the bucket...They get released!! The carer replies, No you stupid bastard..
A normal person would pull the plug out..Would you like a bed by the window????

2006-11-19 13:10:59 · 15 answers · asked by The LIZARD of OG 2

you can clean engine parts in the bathtub without someone yelling at you

you amuse yourself by lobbing beer cans so that they bounce off the wall before hitting the trash can

it take you 10 minutes every six months to buy new clothes (lets see, I’m out of jeans, white t shirts, back t shirt, and socks

you don’t feel compelled to wear underwear unless you have a date that night

your car gets waxed more often than your toilet gets cleaned

you turn your socks and underwear inside out so you can wear them twice as long

you have the pizza place on the speed dial

instead of cleaning for guests, you just keep the lights low

paper towels double as dishes

beer is the freshest item in the fridge

beer is the only item in the fridge

you never listen to your messages when a female is around

your entire is trashed except for your TV and stereo, which are lovingly polished every day

if anything needs to be cooked longer than five minutes, it is a waste of time

the last time you cleaned the house was when you moved in

a dress shirt is ‘fine’ if it only has one or two wrinkles in it

you don’t feel guilty about leaving the toilet seat up

2006-11-19 13:07:15 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you can start the day without caffeine

If you can get going without pep pills

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give youanytime

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you whenthrough no fault of yours, something goes wrong

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend

If you can face the world without lies and deceit

If you can conquer tension without medical help

If you can relax without liquor

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs

If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have noprejudice against creed, color, religion or politics

Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog

2006-11-19 13:06:16 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

This was a riddle sent to me, and if I sent it to 10 people and then pressed 'control' I was supposed to get the answer. Such as it is, I didn't get an answer. Is it a heart?

2006-11-19 13:03:32 · 12 answers · asked by catheter3x 1

The president is not in his/her office at this time. Please leave your number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.


Thanks for calling the psychic hotline. I'm not in my office right now, but leave your number and what you think of when you hear the following: orange, mother, unicorn. Also, leave me a brief history of your childhood. Thank you.


Hi, this is YOUR NAME's refrigerator. The answering machine eloped with the tape deck so this is my job for a while. Leave a message and I'll stick it to myself so that YOUR NAME receives it promptly.


This is you know who, I'm you know where, leave your you know what, you know when.


Hi, now you say something.


This is not the pizza place, so please do not leave an order or Luigi will come after you again. Jeez!


YOUR NAME's palace of pleasure. If you are a man/woman, leave your phone number and a brief description of yourself. If you are a man/woman hang up the phone and don't call back. I'm not gay.

2006-11-19 13:01:15 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-19 12:56:27 · 54 answers · asked by yan 1