Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

2006-11-19 12:45:57 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok the riddle is to hide victory blank shadow i need to figure out what the blank would be and it has to be a seven letter wordd kk please help?

2006-11-19 12:45:55 · 2 answers · asked by zacpowers24 1

At least silly jokes don't offend people- I'd hate to do that!
Anyway - Why didn't the lobster share his dinner?
Because he was shellfish!

What Goes 'ooooooooo'?
A cow with no lips!

2006-11-19 12:44:50 · 22 answers · asked by First Ascent 4 Thistle 7

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM .
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife,opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one penny."
"One penny?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"10 pence," the barman replied.
"10 pence?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied:
"Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess." "There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied,
"now just rest and let the poison do its work."

2006-11-19 12:31:12 · 23 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

A little girl ran crying to her mom asking for a glass of cider. "What do you want a glass of cider for?" asks her mom. "I've cut my finger on a thorn." she replies. "So why the cider?" asks her mom. "Well, I overheard my big sister saying whenever she gets a prick in her hand she cant wait to get it in cider."

2006-11-19 12:21:06 · 20 answers · asked by Shorty 4

2006-11-19 12:15:15 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Got an electric guitar for sale here, £5
No strings attached!

2006-11-19 12:09:03 · 17 answers · asked by First Ascent 4 Thistle 7

Did you here about the raisin that drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He got pulled under by a strong currant.
They caught the currant as well, he'd done it before;
He's now a cereal killer!

2006-11-19 12:06:22 · 16 answers · asked by First Ascent 4 Thistle 7

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy".
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus ... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin'way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step in to the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned ..You left your wheelchair at the pub!"

2006-11-19 12:01:49 · 17 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

w/ the couple that dies in the bathtub and the police came to get them but they had like fishtanks over their head and they dumped the couple in the ocean?

2006-11-19 12:01:25 · 6 answers · asked by Kaylor 1

what is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

2006-11-19 11:56:29 · 15 answers · asked by sexy love 1

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she
started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered . "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

2006-11-19 11:52:46 · 24 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

2006-11-19 11:50:06 · 8 answers · asked by ♥michele♥ 7

Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and notices his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Martin looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Martin asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Martin asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Get your hands off me, *****! I'm married!'"

Moral of the Story:
Self-induced hangover... 100 pounds
Broken furniture... 2,000 pounds
Breakfast... 10 pounds
Saying the right thing to your wife when you're drunk... PRICELESS

2006-11-19 11:49:45 · 16 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

what has to be broken before it can be used?

2006-11-19 11:46:30 · 9 answers · asked by sexy love 1

can you name three consecutive days without using the words monday,tuesday,wednsday,thursday,frida,saturday, or sunday?

2006-11-19 11:42:29 · 20 answers · asked by sexy love 1

A blondeaccounting supervisor, an Indian customer service rep, and a Black sales rep all work at the same place. Their names are Angela, Kelly and Stanley. Thier boss is named Michael Scott and they're on The Office!!!!!

rate my joke. if you like my joke and want to read other funny 1s, click on my name!

2006-11-19 11:29:22 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

boarded a crowded train in in London during the second world war, discovering he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog on one of the seats. A well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she ignored him.
"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier said, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"

The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, " You Americans are so rude.
Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."

The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.

"You bloody Americans....you threw the wrong ***** out the window"

2006-11-19 11:26:55 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes into Wal-mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-mart associate standing there with dark glasses on. She asks, "Excuse me sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it all on the counter anyway.

He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime, the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed, but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was she. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She asks, "But didn't you say it was $20?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

2006-11-19 11:24:36 · 14 answers · asked by UR funee but looks arent evrythg 4

*i know every lyric to every 50 cent song
*when i was 4 yrs. old Eurekas castle was the s**t
*i was 7 yrs. old when Allure ( the band that sang All cried out) came out
*i was in elementary when princess Diana died
*i was born the same month of pearl harbor but, 48 years later.
*i didnt grow up in the time of Bob Marley, but 8 yrs. later

2006-11-19 11:18:25 · 35 answers · asked by sexy love 1

insult? Here's one to get you started. If you had anymore mouth you'd have no face left to wash !!!!!!!!!

2006-11-19 11:06:14 · 28 answers · asked by Shredder 6

They can't figure out how to get 2 cups of water into that small box.

2006-11-19 11:03:52 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

sorry you are not comptable , am mean pixel not pizza , LOL

2006-11-19 11:03:36 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mr Cadbury met ms rowentree in a room on quality street, it was after eight , he turned out the light for a bit of black magic!! He slipped his hand into her snickers and showed her his curly wurly, not keen to have any jelly babies she let him take a trip up Bourneville boulevard, she screamed with turkish delight!! as he took out his fun sized mars bar it felt a bit crunchie and she wanted some time out but he did a twirl and he had a picnic in her pink wafers!!!!!!!

Aint that nice!!!

2006-11-19 10:55:45 · 24 answers · asked by kate 0504 2

when the queen mum passed away
the corgis said thank god she is dead
now we wont blamed for the p1ss stains
on the sofa

2006-11-19 10:53:25 · 18 answers · asked by SH1T 3

with his guide dog, and he walks past a fishmongers and says
"Good morning ladies"

2006-11-19 10:46:38 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A frog goes into a bank and speaks to a teller named Miss Macpaddywack "excuse me I'd like a loan" he says, she replies " I'm sorry we don't loan money to frogs" so he demands to see the manager and he is taken into the manager's office "Look" he says "i'd like a loan" to which the manager says "Well we'll need some sort of proof you can pay it back" and the frog says " My dad's Mick Jagger, he's Loaded" the manager thinks for a bit then picks up his phone and says "Miss Macpaddywack give the frog a loan his old man's a rolling stone"

2006-11-19 10:46:13 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

on my door last nite i never opened it i just talked through the letter box too see hoow she fecking liked it !!

2006-11-19 10:45:36 · 16 answers · asked by lorraine x 3

it is one state that is all three. This is true and quite clever

2006-11-19 10:44:57 · 15 answers · asked by england til i die 3

i saw this car a long time ago, it goes on water AND on land. . . cool huh? ya, I'm doing a report on it but i can't remember what it's called. . .

2006-11-19 10:41:07 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous