Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

your so poor you went to the strip club and handed out IOUs

your so poor you chased the garbage truck with a grocery list

your so nasty they refused to eat you on fear factor

your so fat they run 1 lap marathons around you

your so fat you put mustard on diet pills

your so fat you deep fry tooth paste

your so stupid you put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out

your so stupid you saw a sign that said disney land left you turned around and went home

your so skinny you choked on a piece of rice

i seen your mom in the hard ware store she was holding up a sign saying ( 25 cents a screw)

2006-11-19 10:40:38 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

An English professor wrote the words:
"A woman without her man is nothing."
on the chalk board as he asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

2006-11-19 10:39:52 · 9 answers · asked by Rickard 3

Rasberry
Plum
Blackberry
Strawberry
Grape

2006-11-19 10:34:58 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Annoying things to do in an elevator



1.Walk on with a cooler that is labeled "HUMAN HEAD" on the side.

2.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

3.Crack open your briefcase of purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?

4.Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

5.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

6.Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

7.Meow occasionally.

8.Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

9.Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM" and back away slowly.

10.Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

11.Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

12.Annouce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."

13.Say "Ding" at each floor.

14.Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.

15.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

16.Stare, grinning at another passenger for awhile, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

17.When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

18.Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

19.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."

20.When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

21.Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

22.Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

23.Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

24.Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

25.Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"


23.Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

24.Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

25.Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

26.Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

27.Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

28.Ask, "Did you feel that?"

29.Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

30.When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay.

31.Don't panic, they open up again."

32.Swat at flies that don't exist.

33.Tell people that you can see their aura.

34.Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

35.Shave.

36.On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

37.Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

38.When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now... motion sickness!"

39.Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

40.Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

41.Leave a box between the doors.

42.Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.

43.Start a sing-along.


44.One word: Flatulence!

45.Do Tai Chi exercises

46.When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

47.Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

48.If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

49.Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

50.Bring a chair along.

51.Lean against the button panel.

52.While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.

53.Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

2006-11-19 10:30:23 · 12 answers · asked by xxdolphingirl92xx 2

2006-11-19 10:28:58 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Plus numerous others, the final of series 2 Dr Who, absolute buckets, and Afterlife. I think after we get wed next April the biggest expense will be tissues

2006-11-19 10:28:57 · 5 answers · asked by ? 2

Frog walks into a bar and asks the barman"got any bread?" barman says no. Duck says "got any bread?" barman says no mate we aint. Duck says "got any bread/" barman says no mate we do beers, wines, crisps and nuts but no bread. Duck says "got any bread?"Barman says "your starting to p1ss me of now!" The duck says "got any bread?" Barman says" right that's it! if you ask me one more f'king time if I've got any bread, I'll nail that b&stard beak of yours to the f'king bar! Duck says "got any nails?" Barman shouts" noooo!" duck says "got any bread...........

2006-11-19 10:24:17 · 18 answers · asked by returnofkarlos 2

A blind man walks into a shop with his guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around just above his head. The saleswoman walks over and says "can i help you"? He replies "No thank's, i'm just having a look around"

2006-11-19 10:24:12 · 10 answers · asked by I know nothing! 5

2006-11-19 10:15:48 · 8 answers · asked by sarah_elyes2011 1

England rugby team are changing the red rose on their kit to a tampon cause its the worst f*cking period they have ever had !!

Hehe ....sorry but it is rather funny ... am waiting for the backlash as we speak .......
Oh and yes Baa ... sheep sh*gger ..... leeks and daffodils

2006-11-19 10:13:35 · 9 answers · asked by jizzumonkey 6

What would you be doing right now?
What would your chicken name be?
Whould you be a gay chicken?
Whould you have a duck friend?
What would your duck friends name be?
Whould he be a gay duck?
would you be in love?
or just buddies?
or would you be a girl chicken?
Where would you live?
on the beach,
or in a condo?
Would youhave any super powers?
What would they be?
would you use your chicken powers for good?
Or for evil?
What would your super chicken name be?

2006-11-19 10:11:39 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

if u arent smart u might keith corp. is not responsible for ny idiot getting hurrt,
ok
How do u take 1 from 19 to equal 20, no negatives involved

2006-11-19 10:10:40 · 6 answers · asked by Keith C 2

Then there was the innocent blonde who decides she wants do something wild and add some spice to her life. She wants to start by renting an X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store and looks around, finally settling on a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, slips into something comfortable, lights some candles, pours a glass of wine, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store and complains: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static."

The clerk replies, "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

And the blonde answers, "Head Cleaner".

2006-11-19 10:08:39 · 16 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There is the strong smell liquor on her breath.

He says, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.'

She blows up the balloon, and he walks it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes he returns to her car and says, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'

She replies, 'You mean it shows that, too?'

2006-11-19 10:03:54 · 23 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

as they get to the racehorse stables,one of the horses lets rip with a rasping fart and there is a long silence
The queen turns to the pope and says, "I am so sorry, that was most embarrasing"
The pope turns to her and says "Oh, I thought it was the horse"

2006-11-19 10:00:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small.
The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.


a man was on trial for killing his girlfriend
when asked why he did it
he replied "is it better to kill her once or kill 3 men every week?"

The guy was a golf nut. He and a friend were on the green when a funeral procession passed by. The man doffed his cap and stood at attention until the funeral procession was out of sight. His friend asked, "Are you always so touched at the sight of a funeral?" "No," he answered as he swung at the ball. "That was my wife. We would have been married twenty-seven years tomorrow."

2006-11-19 09:51:18 · 14 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

I was talking to Mike Tyson the other day. I told him he was a big fat useless black bugger that couldn't take on the likes of Julian Clarey. I'm f**ked if I know what he said because I put the phone down on him !!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-19 09:45:02 · 14 answers · asked by Shredder 6

My little nephew told me to read that off a bit of paper, for him.

2006-11-19 09:44:42 · 19 answers · asked by itsjustme 7

How many letters are there in The Alphabet?

What starts with T ends With T and is filled with T?

What ten letter word stars with GAS?

What five letter word still has six left when you take away two?

How can you make a witch scratch?

What state has four eyes but can't see?

What pool is no good for swimming?

Whats the best thing to put into chocolate cake?

What color was Washington's white horse?

Why did the chicken cross the road?


if someone gets all of these right all of them the will get bast answer or the one who has the most right! GOOD LUCK

2006-11-19 09:43:31 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A butcher is 6'5" tall, wears a size 13 in shoes and wears a size 42 in pants. what does he weigh?

2006-11-19 09:41:45 · 7 answers · asked by Hannah HaYwIrE!?1♥ 3

2006-11-19 09:39:02 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

steering wheel sticking out of his pants!The bartender notices it,say Mr.








Pirate,did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants ?The pirate responds, "ARRRR, Yes and it's driving me nuts.

2006-11-19 09:36:18 · 7 answers · asked by kman1830 5

Jesus walks into a bar and approaches three sad-looking men. "What's troubling you, my son?" says Jesus to the first man.
"My eyes are bad," says the man. "Every year I see less and less."
Jesus touches the man's head and his vision is immediately restored.
Jesus goes to the second man and asks the same question.
The man replies, "I'm lame in my right leg."
Jesus touches the man's leg and he leaps to his feet.
Jesus approaches the third man, who immediately picks up a bar stool and fends Jesus off....."Get the hell away from me!" he shouts. "I'm on disability!"

2006-11-19 09:29:45 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

fed up with a woman, should you be able to trade her in like you would a car. Answers from men only please!!!!!

2006-11-19 09:27:49 · 9 answers · asked by Shredder 6

for
my teachers, and they wont know its me
my family
my friends
my boyfriend?????

2006-11-19 09:24:31 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-19 09:24:29 · 15 answers · asked by heavenly 1

YOU CAN TRAVEL NEAR,
YOU CAN TRAVEL FAR,
IT IS ALWAYS WITH YOU,
NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE

2006-11-19 09:23:17 · 6 answers · asked by scrubbag 7

2006-11-19 09:17:17 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman who is pregant are in car parked in front of gas station. The man gets out and locks all the doors and rolls up all the windows. He goes into the gas station for 30 min. He comes back out and the woman is dead and there is a stranger in the car. But there is no damage done to the car at all. The doors are still locked and the windows aren't broken. Who is the stranger, how did he get in the car, and how did the woman die?


First to get it right gets 10 points!

2006-11-19 09:12:41 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is just a personal trivia thing my friends and i are stuck on right now. Wasn't Frankenstein the doctor?? I'm confused.

2006-11-19 09:12:06 · 8 answers · asked by key key 2