Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

2006-11-19 20:01:37 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

and rang Camelot to confirm it. They did and the man on the other end said 'there's only one problem'.
'Oh, and what's that?' asks Paddy.
'We can pay you £3,000.000 this week, but you will have to wait til next week for the other £3,000.000' said the man.
'Well', said Paddy 'If your going to mess me around, I'll have me bleeding pound back'!

2006-11-19 19:52:04 · 13 answers · asked by Somer 4

I'm really bored and I'm the only one home...I don't know what to do...hmm...any suggestions?

2006-11-19 19:26:24 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man of 90 was sitting on a park bench crying.A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying."Well," says the old man," I just got married to a 25 yr old woman.Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love.In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch then we make love.At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love."The policeman looks at the old man and says,"You shouldn't be crying ! you should be the happiest man in the world!" So the old man says," I know ! I'm crying
because I don't remember where I live !"

2006-11-19 19:19:48 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

be a Time-machine, invisibility cloak or some thing else...

2006-11-19 19:04:07 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-19 18:53:44 · 10 answers · asked by hero is ready 1

What Religion is your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Sears and shyly walked up
to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my
wife. What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man,
"There's more than one type? Look around," said the saleslady, as she
showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material
imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really
only four types of bras to choose from. " Relieved, the man asked about
the types. The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation
Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you
prefer?" Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences
between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and




The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills. "

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the
letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't
figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became
informed.


{A} Almost Boobs..

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can't Complain!

{ D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a Reduction.

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !



(I know its an oldie, but more true than I like to admit. Lol)
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."


"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,

"Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."


"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"


"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."


"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

2006-11-19 18:34:45 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-19 18:16:44 · 14 answers · asked by Battery Life 2

Chinese Names

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan (no one)?as involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Lee (Sorry).

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

2006-11-19 18:02:25 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

If the shoes fits....would we wear them...?

2006-11-19 17:54:42 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

don't open

2006-11-19 17:53:00 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

in the middle of the ..SUN..?

2006-11-19 17:49:07 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Honeymoon at Home:
Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon,
so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night
together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his
breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks
his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No."
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mom,
"Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school." ;

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again"Are Fred and Mary
up yet?"

His Mom says, "No. "

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline
and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

2006-11-19 17:49:01 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

Why don't people like geese as drivers?
A: Because they honk too much!

Hehehe.... And here is today's riddle:

From where do you get milkshake from?

Good luck! :)

2006-11-19 17:45:56 · 10 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

make a varnish disappear ...?

2006-11-19 17:45:11 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-19 17:23:06 · 3 answers · asked by LostAgain? 2

Who can answer this 2 questions? 1. Where to get little johnny joke? if it is by e-mail, Please give me the address for it. 2. Who can give me the best of little johnny joke please write. Thanks!

2006-11-19 17:18:41 · 2 answers · asked by ImperfectPiinkiish♥ 5

I personally think both. Any other suggestions to what should be done to this spammer?

2006-11-19 17:14:00 · 7 answers · asked by R A 2

During the Cold War, on a train in Poland, an elderly Polish woman, her granddaughter and a Polish young man share a compartment with
a Russian officer.
As the train goes into a tunnel and the compartment turns pitch black, there is the sound of a kiss and a smack. The old woman thinks ”Good for her, smacking the stranger who kissed her.” The Russian thinks “Smart Pole, he kissed the girl and I get smacked in the face for it.” The girl thinks “Why would he kiss her instead of me?" The Polish lad thinks “Ha, I kiss my hand, hit the Russian and get away with it.”

2006-11-19 17:10:23 · 8 answers · asked by Everyman 3

Why do women have breasts? So men have something to look at when they talk to you.

2006-11-19 17:09:56 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

how do you install the knock so you know someone is there

2006-11-19 16:48:49 · 5 answers · asked by evelyn j 1

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "**** him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

2006-11-19 16:43:38 · 12 answers · asked by meemeemee40 5

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

2006-11-19 16:42:17 · 28 answers · asked by anitha 4

Q. What did God say after creating Adam
A. I must be able to do better than that.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A. They won't stop to ask for directions.

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. How are men and parking spots alike?
A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at single bars have in common?
A. They are all married.

2006-11-19 16:33:50 · 6 answers · asked by meemeemee40 5

what do you get if you cross a shih-tzu and a bull dog?

2006-11-19 16:21:31 · 1 answers · asked by sum guy 1

The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme
Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post

Thou Shalt Not Steal,
Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,
and Thou Shall Not Lie

in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile
work environment.

2006-11-19 16:17:38 · 6 answers · asked by meemeemee40 5

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."

Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more ******* ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

2006-11-19 16:15:30 · 7 answers · asked by meemeemee40 5

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

2006-11-19 16:07:50 · 10 answers · asked by meemeemee40 5

A red head & a blond were standing on sinking Titanic...

Red Head: How far is the land from here? Any Idea?

Blond: Its about 2 nautical miles.

Red Head: Thats it? I can easily swim it out.

Red head jumped in to the water, came out & asked: By the way, 2 miles which way?

Blond: Downwards!!!

2006-11-19 16:06:40 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."

2006-11-19 15:50:50 · 7 answers · asked by meemeemee40 5