Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

One day, a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor.

The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself."

So he went out and bought a starter pistol.

When he got home, his wife was naked in bed, ready for him. So they got in the 69 position and started at it. Soon he felt the urge to come, so he fired the pistol.

The next day, he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went.

He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my di*ck, shi*t in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up."

2006-11-20 01:33:13 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that ******* fence wasn't electrified."

2006-11-20 01:29:28 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-20 01:23:53 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: What do you call a homo Jewish Male?

A: A Heblew.

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ***, 1 beaver, and an unknown number of hares

Q: What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel balls?

A: Sparky.

Q: What do you buy a woman with crabs?

A: Fish net stockings.

Q: What did one lesbian say to the other?

A: Your face or mine?

Q: What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth?

A: Einstein's c*ck.

Q: Why is parliament like a sl ut's dream?

A: Because it's full of pr*cks.

Q: What do you call a bloke with a one-inch dick?

A: Justin.

2006-11-20 01:22:53 · 24 answers · asked by leila b 2

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If you can't fix it with duck tape you have'nt used enough

Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think your on drugs.

Constipated People Don't Give A crap.

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

Illiterate? Write For Help

"Here officer, hold my beer while I find my license."

I Swear to drunk I'm Not god

"Inside this body lies that of a skinny lady. But I can usually shut her up with chocolate.".

"I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose"

"Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind that another man looking at her ***"

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved

A repair shop: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. To the plumber, any liquid in the glass is potential income

Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

The best thing about Alzheimer’s is : You can hide your own Easter eggs.

Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

2006-11-20 01:19:08 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

First grade class comes in from recess.

Teacher asks Alice: "What did you do at recess?" Alice says, "I played in the sand box." Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She does and gets a cookie.

Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, "I played with Alice in sand box." Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box' correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." Billy does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Mustaffa Machmoud what he did at recess. He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me." Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

2006-11-20 01:16:41 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

The next president of the US went to hell. Going in he saw James Carter burning, further Bill Clinton was getting light polls up his a**, Bush the father on hard labor and finally he saw George Bush sleeping with Marlyn Monroe. So he asked why George Bush is the only one who's having fun in hell? They replied He's not we're punishing Marlyn

2006-11-20 01:14:01 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night the wife of our sardarji in a mood, Sardarji, today u do something which can make me sweat.
Sardarji gets up & swich off the fan.

2006-11-20 01:10:54 · 7 answers · asked by krish 1

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

2006-11-20 01:10:11 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

man escapes prison and comes to cross roads.one way leads to freedom and one back to prison.at cross roads are twins,1 always lies the other always tells truth.which 1 question can he ask both twins to find road to freedom?

2006-11-20 01:05:18 · 17 answers · asked by lisa s 1

2006-11-20 00:55:36 · 19 answers · asked by blondesexylonglegsbabe 1

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband (who was a burly bruiser) tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants", she said. "That's right!", said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your goddamned attitude changes!"

2006-11-20 00:50:48 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

hotel room or what. I stayed in a hotel and when I switced the light off by the door I was in bed before it went dark !!!!!!!!

2006-11-20 00:49:51 · 17 answers · asked by Shredder 6

A what? And you can't say "CAMEL"

2006-11-20 00:49:46 · 15 answers · asked by ghostguff3 2

They worked 12 hour shifts & only met each day on the steps up to their signal box.
One evening they passed on the steps--and one turned to the other and said, ''there was a woman tied to the track last night & I ran down, untied her and brought her up to the signalbox and we had sex all night''.
The other man asked, ''did she give you oral?''.
''No'', the other man said, ''I could'nt find her head''.

2006-11-20 00:36:58 · 16 answers · asked by goatherd 2

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their a$$es!

5. When people say, while watching a film, "Did you see that?". No, Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya, Sunshine?

7. When something is "new and improved!"...Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever experiences!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Dumb-***?

2006-11-20 00:35:00 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead."
"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino. Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. What do you do than? Point to you watch and say TIMES UP?"

2006-11-20 00:25:40 · 11 answers · asked by Pd 6

2 her mum asking 4 a glass cider what do u want a glass cider 4 asks mum.ive cut my hand on a thorn says the little girl so why the cider asks mum well i overheard my big sister say that when she gets a prick in her hand she can;t wait to get it in cider!!

2006-11-20 00:21:20 · 18 answers · asked by lorraine x 3

They no like you, get a job . wot it mean? This my riddle?

2006-11-20 00:18:58 · 7 answers · asked by mysquello 2

Paddy asks his Mate, Murphy, "Do me a favor and go upstairs and get me slippers."


"No bother," Murphy says, and runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19-year-old daughters sitting on their beds.


"Hello dere, girls, you Da' sent me up here to shag ya both," says Paddy.


"Fook off, you liar!" exclaim the twins in unison.


"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of 'em, Paddy?"


"Of course," Paddy shouts back, "what's the use of fookin' one?"

2006-11-20 00:18:36 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-20 00:11:53 · 9 answers · asked by VeNiE 5

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat!"

Little Johnny replied. "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Well sonny, did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fcuking business!"

2006-11-20 00:08:57 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over and couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought he might just as well ask them.

He told them one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it, so God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

2006-11-20 00:08:50 · 14 answers · asked by Rhapsody 5

Too often, we lose sight of Life's Simple Pleasures...

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and *****-slap that mother%@#&$& upside the head...

Pass it on!

2006-11-19 23:59:54 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of a dice.
She said 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completly nude.'
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled 'Come on baby, mama needs new clothes'.
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers, and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at eachoher dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know, I thought you were watching!'

MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blonds are dumb- But all men are men.

2006-11-19 23:58:21 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Voted best Irish joke of 2006!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

2006-11-19 23:34:56 · 13 answers · asked by GS 3

message is not even close. you have no right to choose it for me.. i ll give all of my points to the best answer which luckily must corresponds with my answer. Yahoo! answers ... you really suck...i will erase this question which is not a JOKE nor a RIDDLE...it is a fact that both sexes knew very well....

2006-11-19 23:07:51 · 9 answers · asked by robbins 2

American (to his wife after attending INDIAN food party): "Honey, now I understand why the Indians use water for washing their a*s after emptying their stomachs.."
Wife(surprised): Why dear?
Man: " Coz honey, the toilet paper will catch FIRE "

Buy 1 get 1 free:

A man observes another man at a party lighting cigarettes, taking a puff or two n then throwing them out a window...

Puzzled, the 1st man asks: " why the hell do you keep doing that"?

2nd man: " To keep those goddamned snakes away from the party ..I hate snakes"..

1st man: "But there aint any f*****g snakes around here buddy"..

2nd man: "Exactly, see how those half smoked sticks of mine are doing the trick" !!!

2006-11-19 22:57:38 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-19 22:54:11 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Hey, you wanna go in and get sh** faced?"

2006-11-19 22:51:49 · 8 answers · asked by tumbleweed1954 6