Joking mood...read n add yours..plz.....?

Question

American (to his wife after attending INDIAN food party): "Honey, now I understand why the Indians use water for washing their a*s after emptying their stomachs.."
Wife(surprised): Why dear?
Man: " Coz honey, the toilet paper will catch FIRE "

Buy 1 get 1 free:

A man observes another man at a party lighting cigarettes, taking a puff or two n then throwing them out a window...

Puzzled, the 1st man asks: " why the hell do you keep doing that"?

2nd man: " To keep those goddamned snakes away from the party ..I hate snakes"..

1st man: "But there aint any f*****g snakes around here buddy"..

2nd man: "Exactly, see how those half smoked sticks of mine are doing the trick" !!!

Answer 1

Short and funny:

A couple lying in bed. The husband is in extremely ****** mood, turns to the wife and says: "I'll make you the happiest woman on earth". Wife replies: "I'll miss you".

:-)

Answer 2

Good Joke. Check this one out.

So there is this magician on a cruise ship. He does magic shows but there is always this parrot around with the captain of the ship. When they go to watch the parrot gives the magic trick away.

Well one day the parrot messed up the trick and made the magician so mad he threw a board at the parrot. But it missed and hit a gas tank and the ship exploded. The only two people to survive were the magician and the parrot.

While hanging on to a piece of wood the parrot after a couple of minuets says to the magician "Ok you got me. Where the Heck is the ship?".

Hope you enjoyed that joke!

Answer 3

Sure enough a genie popped out of the stove when the wife found one at the back of the attic and started pumping it to see if it works. And sure enough it had three wishes for the wife. Her first one naturally was she wanter her house to be immaculate clean along with clothes washed and ironed and dishes washed and cleaned always automatically. "Done", said the Genie. Her second wish was that she gets a 36-24-36 figure, glowing skin and healthy black hair and that she always look like a 20-year old. "Done", said the Genie again. Again, said the woman, that she wants everyone to stare at her and admire her and always find her in the most attractive pose. Genie thought for a moment and said "Done". The woman is now a painting of a beautiful angelic girl with a glowing skin, healthy hair, perfect figure in a perfect home setting in the most attractive pose. Forever.

Answer 4

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one wish is granted. However, if one tells a lie then with a “POOF” you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."
“POOF” The mirror swallows her.
Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive."
“POOF” The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think. . . ."
“POOF

Answer 5

here are few jokes:
It's all in the punctuation:
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Answer 6

hahahaha...nice one........lol

For you, this one:

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Answer 7

A Desi chap was deeply in love with a pretty girl, whom he wanted. But he did not have the courage to talk to her in person.

So he decided to go alone and with the help of a dictionary, he wrote a letter of proposal to her.



HE WROTE :

Most worthy of your estimation after a long consideration and much mediation, I have a strong indication to become your relation.


As to my educational qualification, it is no exaggeration or fabrication, that I have passed my matriculation examination (no doubt without any hesitation and very little preparation).


What do you say to the solemnization of our marriage celebration according to the glorification of modern civilization and with a view to the expansion of the population of present generation. On your approbation of the application,


I shall make preparation to improve my situation, and if such obligation is worthy of consideration it will be our argumentation of the joy and exaltation of our joint dissimilation.



Thanking you in anticipation and with devotion; To remain victim of your fascination.



SHE ANSWERED :

Dear Mr. Victim of my fascination,

Congratulation for your lengthy narration of course full of affection aimed at an affiliation for a combination which on examination I find is a fine presentation of your ambition.


You have passed your matriculation with little preparation, what about my graduation after a long botheration, so improve situation in education and make an application by acquisition of post graduation and minimumqualification for the convocation and before taking your photo for circulation undergo beautification.

Further strict observation of the following conditions is the regulation for the determination of our relation.


1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for my connection.

2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a victim of any fascination and,

3. Procreation must not be your recreation.

In anticipation of a solid action instead of continuation of paper conversation.

I Remain, unaffected by your affection.

Answer 8

ATTENTION Please!


Good horoscopes:

These days people are being more believers on horoscopes and astrology.
Here was a man of this kind who wanted to start this all on a monday.
So on monday, he lifted the paper on which there was written
"Dear Leo,
Today is the day when you will get a huge sum of money and fame as a surprise."
He waited till midnight but didn't get anything.
On tuesday, he lifted the paper and was written
"Dear Leo,
Today is the day when you will meet a beautiful, adorable girl as a surprise."
He thought "what about money, i'm gonna meet a beautiful girl"
He waited all day long, but didn't meet anyone
Now came the Wednesday and this man, with last hopes, lifted the paper which says,
"Dear Leo,
Today is the day when you will be really surprised to know that someone is fooling you since the last two days."
______________________________...

Bin Laden :

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let the President know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
______________________________...

Old farts :

An old man is riding in a lift with two glamorous women. One woman takes a perfume bottle out of her bag and sprays her neck. She turns to the other woman and says, "Romance by Ralph Lauren...£150 an ounce."
The other woman takes a perfume bottle out of her bag, sprays herself, and says, "Chanel No.5...£200 an ounce"
The lift stops and the doors open.
The old man steps out and lets off a huge rumbling fart. As the doors close he looks back at them and ays..."Broccoli, 49p a pound."
______________________________...

Brilliant Rocky :

This man Rocky is ready to join the suicide terrorist group.
After his whole training course, he goes for his first mission to the US with all equipments.
When surrounded by 10 US soldiers, he talks to the leader, asking, "Can i do it now? They are ten."
The leader says, "No, wait until they increase"
Rocky again calls, saying, "They are now twenty five, can i do it now?"
The leader says, "just wait until more come."
After some time, Rocky again calls, saying, "They are about hundred now. Can i do it now?"
The leader says, "Go ahead, child. Don't worry about your family. We'll provide them every useful help."
Rocky, with a deep sigh, takes out the knife from his bag and stabs himself in the chest.
______________________________...

Answer 9

what r the 3 methods to catch a lion?
1.NEWTON'S METHOD:run in the direction opposite to that of lion bcoz for evry action there is an = & opposite reaction so that u may catch it.
2. EINSTIEN'S METHOD:run in the direction of the lion so that due higher relative velocity the lion will get tired and now catch it.
3.OUR POLICE METHOD:"CATCH ANY CAT AND TORTURE IT TILL IT ACCEPTS THAT IT IS A LION".

Answer 10

A clever sardar ji joke....

Once an american and a sardarji met while travelling and had a bet.If sardarji will fail to answer american's question he should give $5 to him and vice versa if american fails to answer ,he will pay $500 to sardarji.
first american asked, what's the distance between earth to moon?
sardarji: silently paid $5 to american.

and sardarji asked what's name of d animal which goes with 3 legs to himalayas and comes down with 4 legs?
After searching his laptop,Google and everywhere, american paid
$500 to sardarji.

He asked what's the answer for ur question Mr..................




Sardarji

Silently gave $5 to the American....