Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

2006-11-20 04:21:10 · 2 answers · asked by jd 1

The paragraph below is most unusual. How quickly can you find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so ordinary you'd think nothing was wrong with it - and in fact, nothing is wrong with it. It is unusual though. Why?

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"Gatsby was walking back from a visit down in Branton Hill's manufacturing district on a Saturday night. A busy day's traffic had had its noisy run; and with not many folks in sight, His Honor got along without having to stop to grasp a hand, or talk; for a mayor out of City Hall is a shining mark for any politician. And so, coming to Broadway, a booming bass drum and sounds of singing, told of a small Salvation Army unit carrying on amidst Broadway's night shopping crowds. Gatsby, walking towards that group, saw a young girl, back toward him, just finishing a long, soulful oration ... "
The above passage is taken from the book "Gatsby" written by Ernest Vincent Wright in the late 1930's

2006-11-20 04:16:01 · 8 answers · asked by loulou30 2

walks into her local shopping mart pushing two children in a buggy and screaming abuse at her kids. A bloke standing at the entrance having a smoke asks the woman are they Twins and she barks back at him '' Of course there not F***ing Twins you idiot. One is 3 and the other is five, what made you think their twins ? I did'nt replied the bloke I just could'nt believe someone would want to F*** you twice

2006-11-20 04:15:16 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-20 04:05:49 · 39 answers · asked by jasween k 1

took me 4 goes to get it right click on the link and try yourself

http://www.winterrowd.com/maze/

2006-11-20 04:04:22 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little bird was flying through the rainforest when it heard something calling out. It flew down and found an elephant stuck in a mud hole. Hello Mr Elephant can I help? No but go and gat the King o the jungle Mr Lion. Off the bird went and found him at home. Told him the problem so he got his Porsche from the garage and a tow rope and followed the bird to the elephant on pulled him out. The elephant was so grateful that he told him he was now his buddy and anytime he was in trouble he could call on him. …………And the months rolled by until one day the elephant was walking through the forest and he could hear a cry for help. Sounds like my buddy he thought. He found him in the same mud hole! Go get Mr Lion said the bird. Off went the elephant, crashing through the forest to the lion’s house. Knocked on the door, no answer, rushed to Mr Rhino’s house and was told Mr Lion had gone on holiday just that morning. Panic set in, he rushed to see the little bird who had now sunk up to his wing-pits. Little bird sorry Mr Lion was not in. I’ll have to get you out myself. With that he reversed up to the hole and stuck his tail out, but the bird couldn’t reach it. He tried with his trunk, still couldn’t reach. Oh no he thought but then I am a bull elephant with one other very large appendage and with that he pushed it out as far as he could reach. The little bird held on tightly with its beak and was pulled out! ……………….

And the moral of the story is if you’ve got a c**k like an elephant you don’t need a Porsche to pull a bird!!!!

2006-11-20 04:01:54 · 6 answers · asked by ask this dummy 4

2006-11-20 03:46:09 · 17 answers · asked by jasween k 1

2006-11-20 03:38:16 · 23 answers · asked by jasween k 1

hi every one,am luis i live in florida.i like to play somethings and i like to play so much that i get so tired and then i go to the pool and never get out becausse i like it so much that i can live in it

2006-11-20 03:36:47 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. If we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not.

Here is your dose of humor...

A. Follow the instructions to find your new name.

B Once you have found your name post it as an answer
C Have a laugh
And don't go all adult - a senior manager is now known far and wide as Dorky Gizzardsniffer!

The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...
So:-

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dink y
z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle



3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pan ts
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.



And remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults laugh an average of 4 times a day. Put more laughter in your day.

2006-11-20 03:23:46 · 76 answers · asked by Anonymous

An eskimo goes back to his igloo after a long days fishing and says to the wife "Whats for dinner" she replies Vera Lynn. Oh great he says `Whale meat again`

2006-11-20 03:22:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week.

Johnny said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and --"

The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home, and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home, and the wife told him that she was leaving him.

"But why?" croaked the husband.

"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy just what you told me."

"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer!"

2006-11-20 03:21:22 · 10 answers · asked by G 1

2006-11-20 03:18:39 · 18 answers · asked by vjdjango 1

An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.

"What happened?" says the doctor.

"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."

The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"

"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."

2006-11-20 03:12:54 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three rednecks called Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Bubba.
Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the grave stone, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."

2006-11-20 03:03:55 · 26 answers · asked by Pd 6

what would happen if you swallowed an inflatable raft but the chord was still sticking out of your mouth and someone pulled it?

2006-11-20 02:57:17 · 13 answers · asked by I am the Badger Princess. 4

Two women came before this wise King, dragging a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This person agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry mine," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said the king, "and I shall hew this guy in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the 1st lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The king did not hesitate a moment. He proclaimed, "This guy must marry the 1st lady's daughter."
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said the King. "That shows she is the TRUE mother- in-law."

2006-11-20 02:55:17 · 27 answers · asked by Pd 6

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-tellers tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think", said the man scornfully. I'm the father of THREE children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!"
*****************
This guy was sitting in his attorney's office.
His lawyer said, "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

2006-11-20 02:53:52 · 27 answers · asked by Pd 6

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? WHY?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

2006-11-20 02:51:02 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Guy at home watching TV eating peanuts. He'd toss one, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife called him, and as he turned to answer, the peanut fell in his ear.
He and wife tried to dig it out but only pushed it in deeper. After hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. Just about to leave the door, their daughter came home with her date. Telling him of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. Father blew, out it came. Mother and daughter jumped for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once gone the mother turned to the father and said, "Great! - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

2006-11-20 02:41:41 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-20 02:23:48 · 23 answers · asked by Joe Roach 1

okay a man walks in a fruit store and with a gun in his hand {toy gun}

he tells to every on to get down!

there where 5 customers , he splits them into 2 groups

team alph and team nine hundred and ninty nine!

he tells 999 to go on one side of the store and alph to go on the other

he then walks to the cash matchine and asks the cashier to give him the money

but the cashier fants and the robber with the toy gun screams

at the end the robber just takes the cash matchine and walks out of the store!

2006-11-20 02:21:21 · 19 answers · asked by butter 1

LIKE U KNOW LIKE SOMETHING BIG THAT THE SCHOOL WILL REMEBER ME BY??

2006-11-20 02:15:44 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

one day an old man walked down the street and gave a lolly pop to a young boy

the next day to a young girl

the next day to a cat

and the next day to a dog

the next day to a frog

the next day to a monkey



then he just died

2006-11-20 02:12:25 · 18 answers · asked by butter 1

2006-11-20 02:09:53 · 19 answers · asked by veolapaul 5

a man touched a electric fence and i said shocking
the next day he messed with glow in the dark paint i said thats eluminating
the next day he pretended to be a train.. well he did when i de railed him lol

2006-11-20 02:05:54 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

okay there lived 2 men and they had 2 dogs , with 2 chickens , and one day the ate the chickens for dinner the other day the sold the dogs for money , now they have nothing AHAH was THAT FUNNY OR WHAT AHAHAHAHAHHhhhh

2006-11-20 01:54:51 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Only in america will a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance----LOL

Only in america will someone order a big mac, large fries and a diet coke

2006-11-20 01:54:38 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

why did the old man fart?

the old man drank too much pizza , and ate some beer, then he sat on the tv and watched the chair he had such a good time he just let a poop / fart out , was that fUNNY or WHAT ahahahahahahahahAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA

2006-11-20 01:45:55 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once," she replied.

"How did he look?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Very angry," she said.

At this point the psychiatrist felt he was really getting somewhere, so he said, "Well that's very interesting. We must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it happen that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at us," she answered.

2006-11-20 01:40:53 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous