Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

holiday my lass gets pregnant, so next time i'm taking her with me !!!!!!!!!

2006-11-20 06:24:33 · 12 answers · asked by Shredder 6

There are 3 people in a cabin on the side of a mountain. All of the doors and windows are locked from the inside. The three people are all dead. How did they die?

2006-11-20 06:21:46 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A boy was at a carnival and went to a booth where a man said to the boy, "If I write your exact weight on this piece of paper then you have to give me $50, but if I cannot, I will pay you $50." The boy looked around and saw no scale so he agrees, thinking no matter what the carny writes he'll just say he weighs more or less. In the end the boy ended up paying the man $50. How did the man win the bet?

2006-11-20 06:21:21 · 18 answers · asked by miller_man 1

2006-11-20 06:15:49 · 11 answers · asked by MB 3

on his chest. The doctor examines him and says "i have to be honest its bad hygiene, your clothes could do with a wash" The man is just making his excuses when the doc says"and youve got the brownest scrotum ive ever seen".horrified the man flees the surgery and makes his way home really angry.
He arrives at his house and kicks the front door open and shouts"where are you you lazy b*tch"
"the doc says this rash is cos you dont wash my clothes".......
"Wash your clothes "she said "ive got 5 dogs to walk ,all our 7 kids to feed,and 2 jobs to hold down....., I havent even got time to wipe my a*se!!!"
to which he shouts "YES AND THATS ANOTHER THING I WANT TO SEE YOU ABOUT"

2006-11-20 06:12:39 · 21 answers · asked by wilson picket 2

the man who went to the doctors and said''i have an embarrasing problem i have a mole on the end of my dick'' the doc says ''well lets have a look then '' so the man shows him his dick and the doc says''ok i will remove it this time but if it happens again i will have to inform the R.S.P.C.A''

2006-11-20 06:10:31 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that it's not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, uh... about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

2006-11-20 06:08:20 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde and a brunette were sisters. They ran a cattle ranch ... but not very well. They decided that they needed a new bull. The blonde looked at their checkbook and said that they only had $600 to spend on the bull. If she could find a bull she like, she was to purchase it and wire her sister to come with the farm pickup and get her and the bull. She took the cash and went to the bull market . She finally found one she liked that she could afford, but it cost $599. She then went to the Western Union office to send a telegram to her sister. She wrote a message saying "I purchased the bull, come pick us up." The clerk said that will be $8 - we get $1 a word. Since she had only $1 that wasn't going to work. She thought about it for a while and finally sent one word "comfortable". The clerk said how will she know what you mean. She said my sister is a brunette, its a big word. She will have to sound it out .. come-for-ta-bull.

2006-11-20 05:56:03 · 9 answers · asked by istitch2 6

Only in america will a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance --- LOL

Only in america will someone order a bigmac large fries and a DIET COKE

Only in america will they host an all american fat beauty contest!!!

2006-11-20 05:53:04 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-20 05:50:55 · 13 answers · asked by bsballchik 1

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited.

After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally jsut gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

2006-11-20 05:46:07 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar.

2006-11-20 05:40:14 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Murphy calls in too his mate paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy say`s "my feet are freezing could you nip upstairs and get my slippers"?
"No bother" he says and runs upstairs.
There are paddys two stunning 19 yr old twin daughters sitting on their bed.
"Hello girls,your dad sent me up here too shag you both"
"F uck off you lair" they said.
"I`ll prove it" says murphy.
So he shouts down the stairs,
"Both of them pat?"
"of course ,whats the use of f ucking one

2006-11-20 05:39:35 · 32 answers · asked by HOOPS 7

An Irishman hanging from the light fitting?

Shaundalier!

2006-11-20 05:36:19 · 9 answers · asked by Sir Sidney Snot 6

2006-11-20 05:35:28 · 5 answers · asked by foreveryoung 1

by some chance i brought my dice along and then i said some fade ma but the passangers knew right from wrong.

2006-11-20 05:30:47 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Suppose you want to cook an egg for exactly 3 minutes. You have only a 5 minute hourglass timer and a 2 minute hourglass timer. Using these 2 timers, how can you boil the egg for exactly 3 minutes?

2006-11-20 05:30:29 · 10 answers · asked by miller_man 1

Just a reminder........

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

2006-11-20 05:28:51 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband and wife were going over their monthly bills and noticed they were almost short on cash. So they decided to cut back on a few things.

The wife tells the husband "you need to cut back on beer", to which the husband replies "why do I have to cut back on beer but you can buy all the make up you want."
The wife then says, "because the make up is for me to look pretty for you"
The husband replies "What do you think the beer is for?"

So what do you think?

2006-11-20 05:27:20 · 4 answers · asked by Abused Tampon 1

My answer is SMOKE but I know people got their own answers!

2006-11-20 05:24:23 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

after 25yrs of marriage my wife has told me she thinks i'm a nosey b*stard , well , she did'nt actually tell me , i read it in her diary !!

2006-11-20 05:17:42 · 29 answers · asked by nicemanvery 7

2006-11-20 05:16:04 · 17 answers · asked by nish 1

Only in america will a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance --- LOL

Only in america will someone order a bigmac large fries and a DIET COKE

Only in america will they host an all american fat beauty contest!!!

2006-11-20 05:09:07 · 11 answers · asked by May the force be with you. 1

hint: there are 15 letters.
the fifth one is "T" and eight is "c"

2006-11-20 04:57:27 · 2 answers · asked by sunoje2000 2

Has anyone ever heard the saying "The monkey started making wine" ?
If so what does it mean?

2006-11-20 04:57:22 · 2 answers · asked by Steph 5

........Cotton candy, sweet and low, let me see that tootsie roll!!!!!!!!!!!!...sorry, so how many licks?

2006-11-20 04:38:35 · 7 answers · asked by Hello,It'sMe 3

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

2006-11-20 04:34:30 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)

2006-11-20 04:30:17 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)

2006-11-20 04:27:28 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man who runs in front of car get tired.

Man who runs behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day .

Foolish man give wife grand piano,wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches *** should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money .

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right,war determine who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails 2 build crib,but 1 screw 2 fill it.

Man who drives like hell,bound 2 get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who fish in other mans well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowed elevator smell different to midget

2006-11-20 04:23:22 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous