Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE ! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . ..
you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 -These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!"she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

2006-11-20 09:20:13 · 12 answers · asked by Lindsey H 4

Totally devastated, he pulls out a gun and points it at his own head.
His wife bursts out laughing.
Paddy says " I don't know what youre fecking laughing at...youre next"

2006-11-20 09:19:24 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

When he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you," he shone his torch round the room but could see nobody so he continued his evil deed. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you ." The man shone his torch round the room this time he spots a parrot , he goes over to the parrot and says, " so you are Jesus" , the parrot answered, " no my name is polly" Jesus is the rottwiller sitting in the corner

2006-11-20 09:18:55 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

a blonde a red head and a brunette are aboned in the woods. the brunette says girls we need to split up and search the woods for supplies. They all agree and the brunette heads out first. she comes back with a dear and the blonde asks what do we need that for. the brunette says if we get hungry we can eat it. The red head goes out and then comes back with a bucket of water. The blonde asks what is that for and the red head says i we get thirsty we can drink it. Then the blonde goes out and comes back with a car door. Both the brunette and the red head as what is that for and the blonde says if we get hot we can roll down the window.

2006-11-20 09:18:53 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and he is forced to call out the Alaskan AA. The Eskimo stands in the howling wind and waits for the mechanic to arrive. When the mechanic reaches the broken car, he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he locates the problem.

He looks up at the Eskimo and says, 'You've blown a seal, mate.'
To which the Eskimo hastily replies, 'No I haven't! That's just frost on my moustache.'

2006-11-20 09:16:48 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

He takes a wallet filled with ten thousand pounds cash, and promptly he loses his wallet in the bidding hall...he goes up to the auctioneers podium and declares "I will give a reward of one hundred pounds to anybody who finds my wallet with the ten thousand in"
There is a mad flurry of people looking around on the floor, then a Scottish man calls out " I will give anyone who finds it one hundred and fifty"

2006-11-20 09:16:29 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out. What used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout!!! Time was when, on its own accord, from my trousers it would spring, but now i've a full time job to find the fuckin thing!! It used to be embarrising the way it would behave! for every single morning it would stand and watch me shave, now as old age approaches it sure does make me blue to see it hang its little head and watch me tie my shoe!!!!

2006-11-20 09:16:12 · 19 answers · asked by kate 0504 2

"Grandpa make the noise of a frog please"
"Awwww why do you want me to do that Jenny".
"Coss Grandma says when you croak we can go to Disney land."..

2006-11-20 09:15:56 · 7 answers · asked by chris w. 7

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."



There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."


A man is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

2006-11-20 09:15:17 · 7 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Guys were talking at the bar about ways they preferred to die.
Jim says “I want to go the way my father did. Getting drowsy and falling asleep behind the wheel of his car and BANG, he’s dead. Not screaming like the guys who were with him."

2006-11-20 09:11:06 · 2 answers · asked by Everyman 3

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?"

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.

Still no response, so he moves to five feet. No answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf idiot!"

2006-11-20 09:09:23 · 10 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

i could really use a laugh

2006-11-20 09:07:47 · 15 answers · asked by Sami 4

Stockton, CA (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Stockton, CA. courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be
maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Oakland Raiders, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

2006-11-20 09:07:22 · 7 answers · asked by Savez Agir 3

to the pub last night and I said to the wife get your coat love. Ooh she said what's happening, I said I'm off for a pint and I'm turning the fire off !!!!!!!!

2006-11-20 09:06:17 · 5 answers · asked by Shredder 6

1.) If there was a chain of preset explosions, could the Earth be blown in two?

2.) How did life, space, and the big bang come to be?

3.) Is it possible that somewhere out in space, a species more advanced than the US egsiste?


My answers:

1.)?

2.)?

3.) Of course! You dont have to look in space! Just under a rock!

2006-11-20 09:03:31 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos there. Not surprisingly, some worhippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a mehtod to sort the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the ... CHIP MONKS!

2006-11-20 09:02:00 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child.."

The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"

The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite."

The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?"

The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female."

The woman looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a penis AND a brain?"

2006-11-20 09:01:17 · 10 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

"Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the bartender.

"Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!"

"Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house." So the bartender gives him another triple scotch and again he gulps it down. "If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"

"I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"

"Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?"

"Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ...BAD DOG!"

2006-11-20 08:59:22 · 8 answers · asked by Rock 2

Tricky but not impossible!

2006-11-20 08:54:05 · 15 answers · asked by Becca M 2

Jack and Jill were getting married.

Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says, "I remember when your mom and I got married. I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on."

"I can't wear these," she said.

"Darn right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that."

"I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said.

He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.

"Put these on," he said.

Jill replied, "I can't wear these."

"Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that," he said.

Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.

"I can't get in to these," he said.

"Darn right," Jill said. "And if you don't change your attitude you never will!"

2006-11-20 08:53:09 · 24 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

As they stood @ the pearly gates of heaven, St. Peter came up 2 them & said you will be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds & will have your transport chosen accordingly. St. Peter looked at Dave & said You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife 4 times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge. Next, St. Peter looked at John & said You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife 2 times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You didn't have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel thru heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later John & Dave pulled up their cars next to Sam's Ferrari & there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands crying. What's wrong Sam they asked you got the Ferrari! you are set forever!

2006-11-20 08:44:57 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

the telephonist asks "what's the problem", to which she replys "im pregnant!"
the telephonist says"well that's no reason to call an ambulance"
so she says "yes but my waters have broken"
the telephonist says"oh i see , where are you ringing from?"
...."well from my f*nny to my feet ! " says the blonde

2006-11-20 08:40:23 · 19 answers · asked by wilson picket 2

two women in a bath,one looks at the other and says wears the soap, the other one says yes it does.

2006-11-20 08:34:22 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

If it takes one monket eight minutes to eat a banana how long will it take two monkeys to eat two bananas(hint the answer is not 16)

2006-11-20 08:31:43 · 10 answers · asked by M R 1

so bad lately i sent the wife out to sell her body. She agreed because we were in danger of loosing the house. She went out, mattress on her back and a till on her head and when she came back four hours later I said how did it go?. She said i've got five pounds and ten pence. Ten pence I said, what lousy bugger gave you ten pence. She said all of them.!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-20 08:29:17 · 11 answers · asked by Shredder 6

While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"


a man said to his wife .." Shall we try a different position tonight?"

She said.. "That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."


a guy came home to his wife and said to her:
"Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 AM start, 2 PM finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!"

"That's great," his wife said.
"Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start on Monday




a man said to his wife .." Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way."

She said.. "Well, you succeeded."

2006-11-20 08:21:04 · 19 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

5 percent of college kids from princeton got this and 80 percent of kindergarteners got it right! i got it wen i saw it!

2006-11-20 08:18:10 · 6 answers · asked by jldevin 4

Bill & Tom both fancy a pint but they haven't enough money. Bill tells Tom he has an idea, goes into a butcher's & buys a link of sausage. The 2 of them go into a pub & Bill asks for 2 pints. The barman serves them & Bill & Tom drink the pints. When the barman asks for the money Bill undoes his zip & dangles the sausage which he has hidden there, Tom sinks to his knees & starts sucking the sausage. The barman, not knowing it's a sausage goes crazy, calls them dirty b***ards, & throws them out. After doing this in 10 pubs Tom says to Bill....'Bill, this is a great idea of yours but we better stop now, my knees are killing me'...Bill replies...'Think yourself lucky it's only your knees thats killing you'.........'I lost the sausage after the 2nd pub'!!

2006-11-20 08:18:00 · 10 answers · asked by kev3753 1

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

2006-11-20 08:13:02 · 52 answers · asked by Rock 2

Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Have you noticed that since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?

I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

In the '60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

There is a theory stating that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. Another theory states that this has already happened.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and they say, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

You read about all these terrorists, most of whom came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

2006-11-20 08:11:40 · 12 answers · asked by Woody 3