Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Between the ages of 18-21- A woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild..

21-30- Like America, fully discovered & scientifically perfect..

30-35- Like India,Very hot, wise & beautiful..

35-40- Like France, half destroyed after the war but still desirable..

40-50- Like Germany, lost the war but not the hope..

50-60- Like Russia, very wide very quiet but nobody goes there..

60-70- Like England, glorious past but no future..

After 70- Like Siberia, everybody knows where it is but nobody wants to go there...

2006-11-20 18:55:05 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a little girl asks her Mom,

"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says,

"Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block?"

"I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you."

Dad said, "Bring Susie over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it.

"OK, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash."

"And only go one time around the block."

Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Dad said, "Where's Susie?"

Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block."

"There's another dog pushing her home."

2006-11-20 18:48:34 · 9 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

Bad Translation

An influential Londoner wound up a business
trip to the Orient with a visit to Taipei. At a luncheon
he was asked to say a few words. Since he spoke
not a word of Chinese, his address was to be
translated by an interpreter sentence by sentence.

"I want you to know," he began, "I'm tickled to death
to be asked here today."

A look of panicked confusion appeared on the
interpreter's face. "This poor man," he said in
Chinese, "Scratches himself until he dies, only
to be with you today."

#Deffective Parts

This speaks a lot about the quality of Japanese
products and their standards:

They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently
the computer giant decided to have some parts
manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the
specifications, they stated that they will only accept
three defective parts per 10,000.

When the delivery came in there was an accompanying
letter. It said, "We Japanese had a hard time
understanding North American business practices.

2006-11-20 18:34:02 · 12 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

a gal goes into a bar and asks for a double entendre , so the barman gives her one .

2006-11-20 18:25:16 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-20 18:06:50 · 23 answers · asked by hockey 2

I'm not a joker, so I don't really know how it feels like to make people laugh. But I *love* to laugh at people's jokes, even when it's not really funny (they'd get insulted, but I really laugh for laughter's sake). Which would you prefer, to make people laugh or to laugh at other people's jokes?

2006-11-20 17:43:08 · 17 answers · asked by espers_cypher 2

what did the guy say his reason was for not stopping?

2006-11-20 17:40:53 · 14 answers · asked by deedee 4

Last time, we had this following riddle:

From where do you get milkshake from?
A: Nervous cows!

Hehehe... And here is today's riddle:

What is a pea from the 60's?

Have fun! :)

2006-11-20 17:37:14 · 12 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

I have a stomachache.

It's cramping and colic.

I have asked for information at Yahoo answers.

But they say, "See a doctor"

............

But I am a blind man.

2006-11-20 17:17:32 · 10 answers · asked by Iamman 1

2006-11-20 17:14:43 · 16 answers · asked by Matt C 1

A guy sits opposite a stunning blonde in a mini skirt and high heels in a railway carriage. He keeps staring at her legs and it becomes apparent very quickly that the young lady is without underwear.

Do you think my pus*y is pretty? she asks the guy. He turns beetroot red and replies "Ummm mmm, I beg your pardon"

She replies "My pus*y is very special and can perform tricks, here I'll blow you a kiss". With that she opens her legs and makes her pus*y blow the man a kiss. He is stunned.

"It can also wink at you" she says, and with that she gets her pus*y to wink at him. He is gob smacked.

She then says to him "Would you like to stick two fingers inside?". "F**k me" replies the man "You're not telling me it can whistle as well?"

2006-11-20 17:06:53 · 18 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

2006-11-20 16:47:45 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-20 16:47:30 · 7 answers · asked by Rosemary C 1

2006-11-20 16:28:42 · 13 answers · asked by Creepy Man2 4

2006-11-20 16:25:07 · 15 answers · asked by the boohopper nopper 1

A Texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering
for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
to return this to the woman.

It read:
For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes
CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius and Matrix, in my garage, beautiful
homes in Aspen , Colorado and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas .
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even
for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.
Just send the bottle back!!!

2006-11-20 16:19:06 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

There were three employees of a company giving boxes of food, rice, and water to an outreach village near the mountains.
Their names were Mart, Matt, and Mark. It was raining so hard that they need to stop by at least five minutes and go again.
"This place is like hell", said Mart.
"I personally agree with u", said Matt.
"Of course it is! we are all drenched by the damned rain!", said Mark
And they all sat quietly, not knowing wat something dreadful is about to happen in these three hopeless lives HAHAHAH!
It was three o'clock in the morning but still it was pitched black and its still raining cats and dogs.
And Matt felt something whispering in his ear.
It was cold and damp
"Ay niidd fffudddddd!"
He ignored this and he felt a little shaken.
"Ayyyyy niiddddd fudddddd!" it whispered loudly.
And it growed louder and louder.
"STOP IT!", he screamed.
"What!?" Matt
"Who whispered?!"
"Wat whisper?! said Mark
"It said 'ay niddd fudd''"
"I dont know maybe it was the rain"

2006-11-20 16:09:20 · 6 answers · asked by darthchris316 3

Next time you go to a dance bar, don't stuff money in the dancer's panties, instead pull her panty down & swipe your credit card!!!

2006-11-20 15:43:22 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no
fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch.
The curse was that the Prince could speak only one
word each year. However, he could save up the words
so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the
following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This
was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden
hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the
greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking
for two whole years so that he could look at her and
say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he
wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this
he waited three more years without speaking (bringing
the total number of silent years to 5).

But at the end of these five years he realized that he
had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER
four years without speaking.

2006-11-20 15:34:37 · 11 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

A class of 5 year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

Teacher says to the first child "Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?" Becky replies "I have been playing in the sand pit".

"Very good" says the teacher. "If you can spell "sand" on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit".

Becky duly goes and writes "s a n d" on the blackboard.

"Very good" says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

Teacher then says "Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?” Freddie replies "Playing with Becky in the sand pit".

"Very good" says the teacher. "If you can spell "pit" on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit".

Freddie duly goes and writes "p i t" on the blackboard.

"Very good" says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says "Hello Fernando. Have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?"
"No" replies Fernando., "I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing stones at me".

"Oh dear" said the teacher. "That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. I'll tell you what, if you can spell blatant racial discrimination I will give you a biscuit".

2006-11-20 15:26:57 · 10 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the states, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims:
"Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself! You save money."

2006-11-20 14:41:56 · 11 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

George Bush, Chinese President, Penelope Cruz and Sonia Gandhi are traveling in a train.

The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.

Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel. Everybody was sitting there looking perplexed.

Bush is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

_Sonia is thinking:_
These Americans are all crazy after Penelope Cruz.
Bush must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.

_Penelope Cruz is thinking:_
Bush must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got
slapped.

_Bush is thinking:_
Damn it. The Chinese President must have tried to kiss Penelope Cruz. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.

_The Chinese President is thinking:_
If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing
sound and slap Bush again....

2006-11-20 14:33:30 · 15 answers · asked by kim B 4

2006-11-20 14:25:47 · 9 answers · asked by USPSR 1

if you have any good blonde jokes (or really any jokes) please share

2006-11-20 14:17:25 · 11 answers · asked by Sami 4

I am flat, but I am also curved.
I am mainly used for hunting, but can be used for fun;
but not at the same time.
If used correctly, I can go and I can come.
I can travel long distances,
but I never get tired.
What am I?

2006-11-20 14:15:50 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fred meets Joe, who is on crutches, on the street, and says,
“Hey Joe how you doing? I don’t mean to be nosy, but you
look like a truck ran over you? You’re a mess”

“I was out playing golf, Fred. You know how I much like to play golf, don’t you?”

“Yeah, Joe.. I know how much you like golf… but what happened?”

“Well Fred, I watched this lady tee off, and watched her ball go over the fence
into a ranchers field, near some cows. Then, I teed off, and darn if my ball didn’t
go into the same field. I was just not paying attention. So, I climb the fence, and
look for my ball, and about ten minutes later I see a ball. But I know my ball,
and that ball was not mine.”

“Oh, okay, Joe, so you find a ball, and it isn’t yours, so then what?”

“Well, I notice that the lady is getting closer to where I am, and she is still
looking for her ball, so being a nice guy, I try to help her.. you know me, Fred,
I like to help people.”

2006-11-20 14:14:50 · 9 answers · asked by scrubbag 7

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend. And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.
"Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"
Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."
Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"
"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained.
"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.
"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.
''It's a very ?old' bottle now, you know," urged Pat.
"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, brisk
"Mind if filter it through my kidneys?"

2006-11-20 14:08:43 · 4 answers · asked by jqdsilva 3

Fred returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, Fred asks his wife for sex. She agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please just one more time before I die?"
She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.
Fred, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we
could.....?"
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Fred, I have to get up in the morning. You don't."

2006-11-20 14:06:39 · 17 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them S*#t in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird S*#t."

"It was my first day with the hook."

2006-11-20 14:01:32 · 20 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

Apparently they are calling it-I know what you did last supper

let me get my hat

2006-11-20 13:56:12 · 14 answers · asked by toietmoi 6