Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

why we split up
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending:

$65.00 on make-up,

$150 for a cut & color,

$30 for a manicure,
$40 for a pedicure,

$50 on vitamins,
$300 on clothes

and $600 for a gym membership.

I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her. She said she needed it to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

2006-11-21 04:33:40 · 9 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

If a barber makes a
mistake, it is a new style....
If a driver makes a mistake, it is an accident...
If a doctor makes a mistake, it is an operation...
If an engineer makes a mistake, it is a new venture...
If a politician makes a mistake, it is a new law...
If a scientist makes a mistake, it is a new invention...
If a tailor makes a mistake, it is a new fashion...
If a teacher makes a mistake, it is a new theory...
If Your Boss makes a mistake,
it is your mistake

2006-11-21 04:32:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

think laterally!

2006-11-21 04:22:51 · 15 answers · asked by cary_mulholland 1

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day
in a row. The boss called her into his office and said,
"Now look Nancy, I know we had a wild fling for a while,
but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like
any other employee around here.

The boss pressed on, "Who told you you could come and
go as you please around here ?"

Nancy simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while
exhaling said, ...."My lawyer."

2006-11-21 04:14:46 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the
plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other
side." That's what "they" call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that
chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I
say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other
side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain
and simple as that.

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.

2006-11-21 04:06:11 · 9 answers · asked by tn5421 3

this is how you took a curkey
what is so offensive about that it was just a fun question.. not near as bad as some things ive seen on here i asked how do you took a curkey?? in wine and spirits.. maybe i can say this in jokes and riddles..with out getting booted ..

2006-11-21 04:03:05 · 7 answers · asked by vicki f 2

do any of you jokers out there think that removing points is really unfair and what do they take the points for.

2006-11-21 03:59:07 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.

A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?"

"Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

The man said, "Okay, but that's not so bad."

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened then?"

"I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Again?" said the man.

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?"

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm..." said the man.

"Some things you just can't explain," replied the farmer.

"So, what did you do?"

"Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in... Some things you just can't explain."

2006-11-21 03:58:52 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

What a woman says, what she really means...
I need = I want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!


What a man says, what he really means...
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?
You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different!
I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go!

2006-11-21 03:57:50 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

2006-11-21 03:55:51 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were 3 guys on a plane, it was a Mexican, a Frenchman, and an American. They all had cargo on the plane when suddenly the engines died. The pilot told them that they were descending fast and needed to get rid of some of the cargo in order to glide better. So the Frenchman grabs some boxes of Wine and as he throws them he says "There's a lot of this in my country". The Mexican grabs some boxes of beans and as he throws them he says "There's a lot of these in my country. The American scratching his head thinks for a minute and then he gets an idea. He grabs the Mexican and throws him out while saying "There's a lot of these in my Country".


So what do you think?

2006-11-21 03:55:41 · 9 answers · asked by Fiesty Redhead 2

how english language has derived from german. It started off either in all english, or all german and as you read thru it the words would slowly go into the other language. I remember it as being funny, and it probably has been 5-10 years since I've seen it.

Does anyone know what I am talking about or where I can find it? I've already tried googling it to no avail. Please send it to me!!
Thank you!

2006-11-21 03:55:25 · 3 answers · asked by ♦♦pixiechix♦♦ 5

A grieving widow went to the local newspaper to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a £1 a word. He said he remembered her husband and was sad about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had £2. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he thought Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no
charge. The widow thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete
died. Boat for sale"

2006-11-21 03:49:20 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

When people put jokes on here for a light hearted giggle (and yes, there is a jokes and riddle section, before anyone moans 'questions only'),why oh why do some people reply in such mardy, irritating serious reponses? Why read the jokes if they need sense of humour transplants?

2006-11-21 03:33:50 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-21 03:22:34 · 9 answers · asked by Paul G 2

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blonde neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of his house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which the blonde replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

2006-11-21 03:22:07 · 13 answers · asked by stone 4

cock a doodle do huh huh

2006-11-21 03:21:50 · 4 answers · asked by Angela B 1

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had dated two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."

2006-11-21 03:19:33 · 15 answers · asked by stone 4

How profound a statement is that? (coming at ya!!) In ya face..

2006-11-21 03:10:56 · 10 answers · asked by Dan 4

bad news my brother has just been struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients.

its a shame because he was a BLOODY GOOD VET.ha ha

2006-11-21 03:04:51 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

and they are advertising a FREE GIFT with purchase what is a free gift? regardless of weather you have to buy something a gift is free anyway so how can you have a FREE GIFT? should it not just be gift with purchase

2006-11-21 03:04:38 · 12 answers · asked by Boney 2

daisy daisy give me your **** to chew
im half crazy your balls are turning blue
i cant afford a marriage i cant afford a carriage
but you look sweet apon a seat with me on top of you

2006-11-21 03:01:45 · 17 answers · asked by pebbles26981 4

2006-11-21 02:59:50 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman got into a really bad car accident which severly disfigured her face. The doctor said she would need reconstructive surgery. The husband was willing but the only skin they'd be able to use would have to be from his butt.

Well, the results were absolutely stunning!!! She looked more beautiful than she had before. One day they were sitting outside together and the wife told her husband, "Honey, I want to thankyou again for being so good and supportive."
The husband smiled and looked down at his wife. He replied, "I get all the thanks I need each time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

2006-11-21 02:36:18 · 18 answers · asked by Just get it over with already!! 4

a man has a parrot. The man was letting the parrot fly around when he had to step out for an errond. While hes out the parrot turns on the tv and begins changing channels. The first channel goes "da na na na na na na bat man". The second channel goes "over the rain bow" and the third channel goes "over the rain bow"
the man comes back and sees the parrot watching tv and asks who do you think you are? the parrot says da na na na na na na bat man. then the man asks wheres your brain and the parrot says over the rainbow. Now the man is really anoyed at the parrot and says go to hell an the parrot says why dont you come with me.

2006-11-21 02:35:54 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

lavert funeral

2006-11-21 02:32:36 · 10 answers · asked by Watchman S 1

Bob goes into a pet shop to buy his wife a X-mas gift. He asks the owner if he has anything "special". The owner says "Well, yes we just got a parrot in this morning. He is friendly, smart, has a huge vocab & he sings X-mas songs!" The owner went into the back and brought out a handsome lookin parrot. Bob said "Hey there little fella" the parrot replied "hello sir. My name is Chet." Bob was quite impressed and bought the parrot. He took it home to his wife. She immediately fell in love with the bird. He said "Honey it even sings X-mas songs. The owner showed me the trick!" He got a lighter and held the flame under the parrots left foot, close enough for the bird to feel the heat but not to burn him. The parrot began to sing Jingle Bells. The wife was very pleased. "Watch this" He put the flame under his right foot and it sang Silent Night. "Wow" the wife exclaimed.."But what if u hold the flame in the middle?" They did and the bird sqwaked out "Chetsnuts roasting on an open fire"

2006-11-21 02:27:35 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

its a riddle

2006-11-21 02:23:51 · 10 answers · asked by mcclain h 1

2006-11-21 02:19:06 · 29 answers · asked by 2 good 2 miss 6

(This one should be quick.)

2006-11-21 02:15:01 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous