Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Not exactly a joke but I thought rather amusing. I overheard twins aged about 4-5 having a bit of a discussion. One said to the other "Why do they bury people when they die?" I had to smile when the other answered " So we wont trip over them".

2006-11-21 09:32:27 · 8 answers · asked by baaden 2

you look a bit upset tonight , yes says Bob , its my four yr old son , he's got the girl next door pregnant , f*ck me said the barman thats impossible , no it is'nt says Bob , he punctured all my condoms !!

2006-11-21 09:32:10 · 6 answers · asked by nicemanvery 7

Our Lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink.

Thy will be drunk,

I will be drunk,

At home as it is in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,

and forgive us our spillages,

as we forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For Thine is the beer, the bitter, THE lager.

Barman.

2006-11-21 09:27:41 · 10 answers · asked by ♥femme fatale♥ 2

Luke Skywalker & Darth Vader were having a light sabre fight. Luke kept saying......'I know what you're getting for Christmas'.....'I know what you're getting for Christmas'.....Darth asks......'What are you on about'?......Luke says........'I felt your prescence'..( presents )

2006-11-21 09:26:50 · 5 answers · asked by kev3753 1

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." "Where are you going, Cootchy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar Pretty Face, he answered. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar...You know...they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying. "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK? "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh? She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey...at the bar...you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SH*T! SIT YOUR A*S DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED A*S ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SH*T IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?

and...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?---

2006-11-21 09:16:42 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank goodness," says an elderly nun at the back. "I am so tired of Chardonnay."

2006-11-21 09:15:05 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-21 09:13:22 · 13 answers · asked by area52 6

A married couple are driving down a country lane in silence after a previous argument. Deciding to be witty, whilst driving past a field of pigs, the husband says 'look dear, relatives of yours?' after a moments pause, the wife replies 'yes, they're my in-laws'

2006-11-21 09:12:01 · 18 answers · asked by SuPeRsTaR 2

Male or Female ...

more examples...

TRAINS: Male, because they always use the same old lines for picking people up

EGG TIMERS: Female, because over time all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male because in hte last 5000 years they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female... you probably thought it would be male, but consider this; It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it ... and whilhe doesn't always know which buttons to push ... he just keeps on trying.


DR BAD
hope you're happy now girls ..

2006-11-21 09:10:47 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

for your birthday , the parents asked their son , i wanna watch , he said , so they let him !

2006-11-21 09:10:14 · 8 answers · asked by nicemanvery 7

and all around the world she'd frisk.
Wasn't she a silly girl
that way her *?

2006-11-21 09:08:58 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little boy tells his mate my dad wants a muppet for christmas,his mate asks why a muppet, to which he replies last night when mummy and daddy were in bed I heard mummy ask daddy what do you want for christmas and daddy said a muppet (I'm up it)

2006-11-21 09:06:59 · 5 answers · asked by L.R.O. 3

Ok there's a blonde girl sitting down at one side of a river.
And bernett girl on the other side.
so the bernett one says to the blonde one can u push me a log or something so i can float to the other side.
And the blonde girl thinks a bit and says you're already on the other side.



Personally i'm a blonde myself.

2006-11-21 09:06:47 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

God created earth and when he had finished he was walking through the garden of Eden with Adam. He placed his arm around Adam's shoulder and said "Adam, I have created Earth and I want to populate it. To do this I have created Eve and she is behind those bushes".

He went on to say "Adam, I want you to go behind those bushes and kiss Eve"
Adam said "Lord, what is kiss?"
God said "Don't worry I will tell you what to do" and he did.

Adam went behind the bushes and after a few minutes he came back smiling.
He said "Lord, that kissing was great".
God then said to Adam "I want you to go behind those bushes and caress Eve".
Adam said "Lord, what is caress?".
God said "don't worry I will explain what caress is" and he did.

Adam again went to the bushes and came back in half an hour and he was beaming.
He said "Lord, that caressing was even better than kissing".
God then said to Adam "I want you to go behind those bushes and make love to Eve"
Adam said "Lord, what is make love" .
God said "don't worry I will tell you what to do" and he did.

Adam raced to the bushes, but was back in 2 minutes with a frown and said "Lord what's a headache"

2006-11-21 09:05:49 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a couple at a college and they finished having sex. The girl said, "Yes! I'm not a virgin anymore! I've always been waiting for the guy I really love to lose my virginity to."

The man said, "So you really do love me?"

The woman said, "No, I just got tired of waiting!"

2006-11-21 09:03:58 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am a three digit number.
My tens digit is five more than my ones digit.
My hundreds digit is eight less than my tens digit.
What number am I?

2006-11-21 09:03:21 · 23 answers · asked by rAwR♥ 3

A man is in a cabin, on top of a mountain, sitting in a chair, and the man is dead. How did he get there? How did he die?

2006-11-21 09:02:30 · 5 answers · asked by Addicted To Abercrombie & Fitch 2

Little jack horner
was lying with Mona
on her large, comfy bed.
He pulled out his sprout
stuck it in her red mouth
and said ‘love give us some head’.

2006-11-21 09:01:42 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male resident of Dacula, GA., in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch and he decided to stop. "You know , a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "Guess I was really into it , you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

2006-11-21 09:01:00 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

What am i spelling in between all of these letter and stuff?: its a phrase in between these letters good luck!1st person who gets it is the best answer!
I abcdfgjkpqsuxzylaaajkpqsuovegfdabwekjsuxyzntserwoyyyyyyyrkkkklklthSammymytreikjhljhglfgsdekgfr!!!~Lilly Oshiment

2006-11-21 08:55:59 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it’s an absolute steal at only $20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F*ck me, a new brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh.

A little later the womans two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un f*cking-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the womans husband Dave comes home.

"In f*cking-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients ..... How ya doin', Dave?"

2006-11-21 08:54:13 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and WHACK!! knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden WHACK!! the big dude knocks him down AGAIN. This time he says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns.

Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and WHAM!!! knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears."

2006-11-21 08:53:28 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

"What's wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bedm, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???"

"Well," replied the man...
"I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

2006-11-21 08:42:29 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here is some info about a song And the Artist that I would like you to guess First Correct answer get the best Answer.

Born in Burleson Texas, appeared on TV

Now the Song

here some of the letters from the begining of each word
I w y d I h y c e n i y s

some of the words

...I lose my way and it not to long...
...Im forced to fake...

2006-11-21 08:41:13 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok there is always that one commercial that you just cant stop laughing at. mine is the windex commercial where the birds watch the man run into the glass screen door, and a close second would be the old lady in the wendy's commercial screaming wheres the beef? what is yours please give your reasoning?

2006-11-21 08:34:24 · 3 answers · asked by Average_JOE 2

Tact

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me."

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer."

Bill says,"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'"

She said, "'No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"

2006-11-21 08:30:32 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer and a Labrador, are sitting in the waiting room at the Vet when they strike up a conversation. The Doberman turns to the Boxer and say, "So whay are you here?" The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything, the sofa, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed". The Doberman says, "So what is the Vet going to do?" "Lethal injection," came the reply from the sad Boxer.

The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?" The Labrador says, "I am a digger, I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I just dig for the hell of it. When I'm inside I dig up carpets, but I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch". "So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman asks. "Lethal injection," replied the dejected Labrador.

The Labroador then turns to the Doberman and asks "Why are you here then?" "I'm a humper," the Doberman says, "I'll hump anything, I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever I want to hump, everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending over to dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away." The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, "So lethal injection for you too huh?" "No, no," the Doberman says, "I'm just here to get my nails clipped".

2006-11-21 08:28:50 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

2006-11-21 08:28:16 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-21 08:25:48 · 42 answers · asked by JIM B 2

Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.
The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"

The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."

2006-11-21 08:06:33 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous