Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Man arrives @ pearly gates.
St peter welcomes him in.
St peter says,we supply you with transport as a reward for being faithfull to your wife when you were on earth.
On receiving his reward,a RollsRoyce,he saw an old mate drive by in a mini.
Man asks,why has he a mini?
St peter replys"he was unfaithfull twice" to his wife.
Two minutes later he sees an old mates wife going by on a pedalbike,St peter says "she was unfaithfull 10 times to her husband.
Two hours later St peter is driving down the road when he sees the man next to his Roller crying,his head in his hands.
St peter asks,"why are you crying ? you got a roller to go around with.
Man replys, " it's not that, iv'e just seen the wife going down the road in a pair of f###ing ROLLERSCATES."!!!

2006-11-21 11:07:35 · 11 answers · asked by ? 4

Are you a boy or girl", asked a newborn to his crib neighbor.

"I don't know" was the answer.

"I'm a boy" the first replied.

"How do you know"

"Look over here" as he threw the blanket off and pointed down.

"Blue booties"

2006-11-21 11:04:46 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

my workmates give me loads of abuse, like:

if you had another braincell, you'd be a dafodil.
if your brain was chocolate, you wouldnt have enought to make a smartee.
about as much use as a chocolate fireguard
about as much use as a ashtray on a motorbike
about as useful as a fart in a thunderstorm.
your either a liar or a w@nker, and you cant lie for SHlT
if brains had wings , you'd be grounded for life.
you set a low standard, and failed to achieve it.
you was a w@nk till your mum got in the way.
you wanted to be a spaceman, if your dad had been 2 seconds quicker, you woulda been.

do you think they like me? lol

please help me get them back, i need more comebacks.

by the way, it is all in good jest, i get them back by farting in the office and exiting quick. lol

2006-11-21 10:57:24 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

and his wise old father daddy bull were standing at the top of the field, the reckless young bull said " Dad shall we run down the hill and fook one of those cows " No" said daddy Bull " lets walk down and fook them all"..

2006-11-21 10:53:21 · 7 answers · asked by chris w. 7

Mildred discovered ten red setter puppies in the store "Doggies R Us". Mildred ordered ten red collars for each puppy at a reduced price of £6. Mildreds brother Edward build ten red marvellous kennels to shade the puppies from the red hot sun.

2006-11-21 10:52:34 · 16 answers · asked by Krayzieclaire 1

2006-11-21 10:49:41 · 14 answers · asked by johnjd_cmu 4

What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungie cord?

2006-11-21 10:42:44 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fred is playing golf when he gets hit on the head with a stray ball. When he wakes up he is at the Pearly gates of Heaven.

St. Peter meets him here with a confused look on his face. "You're not on my list" Peter says, "You must be for Downstairs!"

Fred is shocked and asks for another chance. "If you let me go back to earth, I'll live a virtuous life, I won't drink, smoke or have sex any more!"

St. Peter doesn't want to do the paperwork for a transfer to Hell so he agrees and the man is sent back to earth.

A year later Fred is hit by another golf ball and wakes up back at the gates.

St. Peter greets him. "Well, Fred, how has it been going?"

"Well," Fred replies, "I have totally given up drinking and haven't had a cigarette since the last time we met."

"Excellent" says St. Peter. "But what about the sex?"

"It was all going well, Peter, until last week. My girlfriend was bent over the freezer and I just had to come up from behind and give her one!"

Shocked, St. Peter cries, " They won't like that in Heaven!"

Fred replies, "They didn't like it much in the supermarket either!"

2006-11-21 10:36:07 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-21 10:36:02 · 13 answers · asked by johnjd_cmu 4

2006-11-21 10:34:32 · 3 answers · asked by ........................ 1

An elderly Frenchman was slowly walking down a countryside lane, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field.

Getting over his initial shock he said to himself,
'Ah ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. C'est magnifique!' and continued to watch, remembering good times.

Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said,
'Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - she is dead!' and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.

He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted,
'Albert... Albert zere is zis man zis woman .. . naked in Farmer Gaston's field making love.'

The police chief smiled and said;
'Come, come, Henri, you are not so old to not remember ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, l'amour! Zis is okay.'

'Mais non! You do not understand - ze woman she is dead!'

Hearing this Albert leapt from his seat and rushed out of the station and, the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back nonstop to call the doctor.

'Pierre, Pierre... this is Albert. I was in Gaston's field... zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex.'

To which Pierre replied,
'Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, l'amour! Zis is very natural.'

Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply,
'Non, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!'

Hearing this Pierre shouted,
'Mon dieu!' grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station.

He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen and said...

'Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English.'

2006-11-21 10:33:59 · 5 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot a duck off a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The attorney responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

2006-11-21 10:29:02 · 4 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

A young executive was working late one night, trying to impress his new boss. He stepped out of the office for a minute to get some coffee, and saw his boss standing at the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Do you know how to work this damn thing?" his boss bellowed.
The young man ran over and took the paper out of his hand. "Oh yes, sir," he said. "It's quite simple." He then fed the piece of paper into the shredder.
"Thank you, son," the boss said. "A couple of copies will be fine."

2006-11-21 10:26:17 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd of seniors became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"****!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three days to clean up the senior center.

2006-11-21 10:25:15 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over. "If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you £10 and a packet of sweets." The boy refuses and keeps on walking.
A little further up the road the man again pulls over. "Okay," he says, "How about £20 and two packets of sweets?"
The boy tells the man to piss off and carries on walking.
Still further up the road the man again pulls up beside the boy.
"Right!" he says. This is my final offer - £50 and all the sweets you can eat.
The little boy stops walking, goes towards the car and leans in. "Look," he hisses. "You bought the F**king Skoda, Dad, and you have to live with it. :)

2006-11-21 10:21:56 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: At lunch, what did Obi-Wan say to Luke?

A: "Use the forks, Luke."

Q: Did you hear the one about the two kids who tried to kiss in the fog?

A: They mist!

Q: Did you know there are three types of people?

A: Those who can count, and those who can't!

Q: How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?

A: He felt his presents!

Q: How did the lumberjack use the computer?

A: He logged on!

Q: How do mad scientists freshen their breath?

A: With experi-mints!

Q: How do wealthy people dance?

A: Check-to-check!

Q: How do short people like to travel?

A: In mini-vans!

Q: How do you find King Arthur in the dark?

A: With a knight light.

Q: How does the barber cut the Moon's hair?

A: E-clipse it!

Q: How does the barber do his work so fast?

A: With short cuts!

Q: How is an engaged woman like a telephone?

A: They both have rings!

Q: What did the cop say to the bad popsicle?

A: Freeze!

Q: Did you ever see the movie "Constipated?"

A: It never came out!

Q: Can you use green, pink, and yellow in a sentence?

A: When the phone goes green green, I pink it up, and say yellow!

Q: Did you take a bath this morning?

A: No. Is there one missing?

Q: How do you get an alien baby to sleep?

A: You rock-et!

Q: How do you fix a car in Scotland?

A: With Scotch tape!

Q: How do you get rid of a boomerang?

A: Throw it down a one way street!

Q: What did one elevator say to the other?

A: "I think I'm coming down with something!"

Q: What did one hammer say to the other hammer?

A: "I broke a nail!"

Q: What did one penny say to the other penny?

A: We make perfect cents!

Q: What did Snow White say while she waited for her photos?

A: "Some day my prints will come!"

Q: What did the alien say to the gas pump?

A: "Get your finger out of your ear when I'm talking to you!"

Q: Why were the middle ages so dark?

A: Because there were a lot of knights!

Q: What's black and white and red all over?

A: A zebra with chicken pox!

Q: "Doctor, doctor I feel like some curtains."

A: "Then pull yourself together!"

Q: How did the boy get Egyptian flu?

A: He caught it from his mummy!

Q: How does the Eskimo mend his house?

A: With iglue!

Q: What can you catch, but not throw?

A: Your breath!

Q: What did one eye say to the other?

A: Between you and me... something smells!

Q: "Waiter, this soup tastes funny!"

A: "Then why aren't you laughing?"

~~Thank you for reading all of my jokes. More will soon

2006-11-21 10:19:42 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

hard brain teaser. best answer goes to first to have it right. don't worry if you can't think of any thing.

Two siblings are born naturaly on the same date, in the same year, to the same mother and father. However they are NOT twins-- nethier fraternal nor identical. Is this possible or inpossible and why?

Hint: Pay careful attention to what is stated and what is not stated.

2006-11-21 10:19:29 · 5 answers · asked by jmcmonw 1

"76937+0-76937+76937= ?
its very hard thats the clue let me repeat this is hard,
not as easy as you think things don't seem to what they seem to be"

It is not 76937, 1527874 or 230.81

2006-11-21 10:10:50 · 12 answers · asked by Onions 2

PUDDING!!!!!

2006-11-21 10:06:51 · 8 answers · asked by heather 1

a blind man is walkin' around the rarmers market.after a while he comes across a flower store,he takes a deep sniff and goes ' hello flowers!

then he walks off. then he comes across a pet shop, listens and then says 'hello animals.'

he walks off some more then comes across a fosh market, and takes a whiff and says in a loud and happy voice 'HELLOOO LADYS!'

2006-11-21 10:06:16 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day Leanardo DaVinci died but they needed proof he was actually Leanardo Davinci so they could let him in. So he painted the Mona Lisa, and they let him in.

Many years later Albert Einstien died, and when they asked him how do we know you're really Einstien? So he quickly scribbled down a few equations and they let him in.

Then much more years later George Bush die went to heaven, and they asked him, How do we really know you're George Bush. Then he said, "Well I dunno."

"Well, we've already gotten proof from Leanardo Davinci and Albert Einstien."

"Who's Albert Einstien and Leanardo Da-?" he replied.

And the gateskeeper interupted, "Come In!"

2006-11-21 10:03:48 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

My son would like to know (He's 12):-

a slice of buttered bread/toast always lands butter side down...a cat always lands on its feet, if you put a slice of buttered bread/toast on top of the cat butter side up, would the toast land butter side down or would the cat land on it's feet!

The things that keep 12 year olds awake at night!

2006-11-21 10:03:23 · 13 answers · asked by untanuta 5

there was a boy and his dad out shopping when they went by condoms. the boy noticed that they had different amounts in each; 3 pack, 6 pack, and 12 pack. the boy asked his dad why they came in different amounts when his dad replied:

the 3 pack is for high school guys, 1 for friday, 1 for saturday, and 1 for sunday.

the 6 pack is for college guys, 2 for friday, 2 for saturday, and 2 for sunday.

and finally, the 12 pack is for married men. 1 for january, 1 for february, etc.

_____________________________________________________

good or did it totally suck?

2006-11-21 09:59:36 · 6 answers · asked by hockeyangelofdeath 2

What common statement can this be attributed to?

Far surpassing that which follows the most incredulous man.

2006-11-21 09:54:33 · 3 answers · asked by ஐAldaஐ 6

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush
restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady
swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to
drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since."

"My goodness!" says the wife. "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?"
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar.



"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay
waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"



The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."



The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the
name of your willy.
Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan,"Just
Do It."

that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' "



The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a
second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who
is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"



The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."



The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" the fella proudly replies,"Cause it
takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"



A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella's on his right who just
happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys
call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because
Quality is Job One." "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"



The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.... .'Like a Rock!'..."And gives a wink!



Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up
with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and
exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."



The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look
asks,"Why Secret?"



The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A lady walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.


__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Breast Feeding Blonde:
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out."
As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Well, your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says
"OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
"To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset. I shall be home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into
18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Housewife




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man came home from work and found his three
children outside, still
in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty
food boxes and wrappers
strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was
the front door to the house
and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding
into the entry, he found
an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked
over, and the throw rug was
wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a
cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various
items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the
sink,
breakfast food was spilled on the
counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog
food was spilled on the floor,
a broken glass lay under the table, and a
small pile of sand was spread
by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over
toys and more piles of
clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried
she might be ill, or that
something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it
made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels,
scummy soap and more toys
strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a
heap and toothpaste had been
smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife
still curled up in
the bed
in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up
at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What
happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every
day when you come home
from work and you ask me what in the world I do all
day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

.

.



She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it.""


__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable or get married and wish you were dead.
______________________________________________
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
__________________________________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

___________________________________
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

_________________________________________________
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished

________________________________________________
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

________________________________________________
A young son asked,
"Is it true dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
____________________________________________
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."
________________________________________________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

_________________________________________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
____________________________________________________
Just think if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
_____________________________________________________

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Discussing finances
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Last night, my blonde friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she
pulled out a $10 bill.

When the male dancer came over to us,
my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek.
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.
She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill,
and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us,

my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill.
I'm worried about the way things are going, but
fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me!

Now everyone's attention is focused on me,

and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50.

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.

What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card,

swiped it down the crack of his butt,

Grabbed the eighty bucks,

and left!!!!

2006-11-21 09:51:11 · 8 answers · asked by shady20001978 3

?The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."

The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast

2006-11-21 09:44:49 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

JOKE!

While I was watching golf tournament last weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer.

Man, sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
JOKE!
A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.

He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but speeds up as her anger increases.

"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck.

Again the wife speeds up to eighty mph.

He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.

By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."

"Oh, really," he says, "So what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says,...

"The airbag."

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
JOKE!
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and placed the same order for drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Darn! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
JOKE!
A man and a woman are laying in bed, kissing, and it starts getting heavy and she stops him. She says "I don't feel like having sex. I just want to hold you for a while." He says, "WHAT!?" and she says, "Why can't you just love me for the woman I am and not for what I do for you in bed?"

The next day they are shopping, and the woman is picking out a TON of expensive outfits. She tries them all on, and picks out the ones that she likes the most. He says "Why don't you get all of them?" Excited, the woman takes the articles of clothing and continues shopping. She picks out a couple of pairs of shoes, and he tells her to take them all. The woman is VERY excited now. She see's a bracelet, and the price reads $200.00. She looks at him, and she tells her to take it.

As she is reaching the register, the man, almost exploding with anticipation, says, "I don't feel like buying all of this stuff. I just wanted you to HOLD them for a while." The woman looks at him angrily, and the man says, "Why can't you just love me for the man I am and not for the amount of money I spend on you in stores?"

...He slept on the couch that night.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
JOKE!
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were
walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep
end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim
out.


When the head nurse director became aware of Edna's heroic act,she
immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to
be
mentally stable.



When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Because you were able to

rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another
patient, I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind on your part.



"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in the
bathroom
with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry,but he's
dead."


Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can
I go home?"

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in

front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.

"You know, Harvey ," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I

see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much

that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped

balloons, and my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenburg!"

She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just

one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a

soft, thoughtful voice, "Well... there's nothing wrong with your

eyesight."
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

4 High School buddies go to a bar after a reunion. As the night goes on.. the subject turns to their sons. Just then, one buddy gets up to go to the lavatory.

The first buddy gloats: "My son is my pride and joy. Straight out of college, he invested in a local mining firm. Wouldn't you know it.. they struck diamonds, and now he's a multi-millionaire! He's doing so well, he gave a full set of diamonds to a good friend." All the buddies cheered and had a toast to that bit of good news.

The second buddy boasts: "Junior went to a good engineering college. He met some folks from the company he trained with.. worked his way up, and now, he owns a good portion of the business. In fact, he's so well off, he gave his sweetheart a private jet!" Again, the glasses clinked together.

The third buddy prouldly states: "My boy sure made me proud. After changing from art school to puruse construction, he made it as a designer of luxury homes. He now lives in his own mansion, and gets home orders from some of the richest peole in the state! He's very giving too.. he built a mansion for his best friend!" Once more, the buddies lited.

Just then, the fourth buddy came back from the baffroom. He asked: "You guys look happy.. what did I miss?"

"We were talking about our sons. By the way, how's Jeff doing?"

4th buddy says: "Well, my son Jeff just came out of the closet last Summer. Turns out he's gay, and dances at a high-class gay club."

"Oh no." said one buddy.
"What a disappointment." said another.

"Oh not at all. He's my son, and I love him. In fact, his dancing must be real good... cus for Christmas he got a set of diamonds, a private jet, and a new mansion from his 3 boyfriends."

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck," he thinks to himself. "But lets see what they think they can do." He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weigh himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds.

Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.

I love this company, he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun." Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" Asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most vigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. Haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."

2006-11-21 09:43:25 · 7 answers · asked by shady20001978 3

2006-11-21 09:42:35 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Titanic was about to sink. People on the ship were shouting, crying, running and praying to God - just then a passenger had the following conversation with the captain.

Passenger: How far is land, from here?

Captain: Two miles...

Passenger: Only two miles, then why these fools are making noise. I have the experience of swimming even more.

Captain: .....????

Passenger: Just tell me in which direction, land is two miles from here?

Captain: Downward...

2006-11-21 09:40:55 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

At the funeral everybody was there, the girl, her sister, the entire family... sudenlly the girl saw a tall man dressed in black and she fell in love with him at first sight. At the end of the ceremony the man was nowhere to b found, he just vanished in thin air... After one week the girl kills her sister. WHY?!

2006-11-21 09:36:09 · 17 answers · asked by red 3