i need witty reply's, please help.?

Question

my workmates give me loads of abuse, like:

if you had another braincell, you'd be a dafodil.
if your brain was chocolate, you wouldnt have enought to make a smartee.
about as much use as a chocolate fireguard
about as much use as a ashtray on a motorbike
about as useful as a fart in a thunderstorm.
your either a liar or a w@nker, and you cant lie for SHlT
if brains had wings , you'd be grounded for life.
you set a low standard, and failed to achieve it.
you was a w@nk till your mum got in the way.
you wanted to be a spaceman, if your dad had been 2 seconds quicker, you woulda been.

do you think they like me? lol

please help me get them back, i need more comebacks.

by the way, it is all in good jest, i get them back by farting in the office and exiting quick. lol

Answer 1

Any similarity between you and a human being is purely coincidental.
Are you depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to make a money out of you. I can't take the credit.
I bet I know what you use for contraception? Your personality
I hear the only place you're invited is outside.
I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread this morning. But when I looked again what it actually said was , "Thick cut."
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ar*e.
I'm trying to image you with a personality.
I've only got one nerve left - and you're getting on it.
Keep talking, I always yawn when I'm interested.
Please breath the other way, you're bleaching my hair.
You've got your head so far up your ar*e you could chew your food twice.
I hear you had an ar*e transplant - and the ar*ehole rejected you.
I wouldn't pi*s in your ear if your brain was on fire.
If I wanted to hear from an as* I'd fart.
It's hard to believe you beat one million other sperm.
You are a haemorrhoid on the ar*e of the world.
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
You do a very good impression of a river - small at the head and big at the mouth.
Your elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.
Your lights are on but no-ones at home.
Your wheel is spinning but the hamster's dead.
You're a few beans short of a casserole.
You're a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Are you always this stupid or is it a special occasion?
Don't let your mind wander too far - it's too little to be out alone.
If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.
When I look in your eyes I see the back of your head.
Your mouth's in gear but your brain's in neutral. :)

Answer 2

If brains were bird droppings,he'd have a clean cage.
If brains were dynamite,he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose.
If brains were taxed,he'd get a rebate.
If brains were water,his wouldn't be sufficient to baptise a flea.
If he were any more stupid,he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts,you'd get change.
He has all the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.
He's as useful as dinosaur repellant.
He's got a Teflon brain--nothing sticks.
He's all mouth,no trousers.
He's missing a few buttons on his remote control.
He's as quick as a corpse.
He's full throttle ,dry tank.
The mouth is in gear,but the brain's in neutral.
He's a few planes short of an Air Force.

Answer 3

if wit was ****, you (they) would be constipated,

for a farting stinger you should eat this combination of foods

1) egg, always a classic
2) approx 4 chicken nuggets preferably really cheep ones
3) pickled onions
4) a good clove of garlic
5) cabbage
these all provide potency and are the minimum dosage
finally
6) baked beans for propulsion

sounds like the farting thing will be best suited and with a certain amount of training could have your fellow colleges retching at there desks

Answer 4

If you're farting back, & the farts doing the job, then that has proved No. 5 wrong, so you could point that out to them.

Other than that, it sounds like they're a pretty immature bunch to work with - don't give them the satisfaction of knowing that you're worried about their insults.

Answer 5

They just need love. Try cuddling them and saying sweet things to them. Buy them presents and invite them to the zoo for a day. Wear rubber and studs. And then one day tell them a joke that is really a metaphor for mankind seeing through the delusions of the material world and finding their eternal centre and becoming one with all that is. Trust me, it will work. I have never looked back.

Answer 6

How about - - - "i think i`m putting on weight.It must be all the chocolate i get off your mother every time i **** her" I`ll leave you to work out what the *`s are for !

Answer 7

If i wanted to hear an arsho?e id fart!

Answer 8

How about telling them that if they spent as much time working as telling you jokes, they would make enough money to fire you, if they think you're soo bad?

Answer 9

just say if brains were dynamite you would,nt have enough to blow your hat off. All so say as your face got fatter ho no sorry my mistake but it will when i give a fat lip smart ****.

Answer 10

you mom tied a chewbone around you neck just so the dog could play with!




i am not sure if it's that witty but i hope if its somewhat helpful