Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

2006-11-21 16:28:58 · 19 answers · asked by ? 4

I am fast, I run in circles, I never travel alone, The best thing about me is that I am spelled the same forward as I am spelled backwards. What am I?

2006-11-21 16:16:19 · 10 answers · asked by ms_ladyesco 2

answer---OJ

2006-11-21 16:09:30 · 14 answers · asked by tdwatch 3

Just wanted to know if you had some good answers....this was on David Letterman tonite.......the number 1 answer was "This is Robert Blake here.....are we still on for dinner?"
Do you have any good answers that would be left on OJ's answering machine?

2006-11-21 15:58:09 · 6 answers · asked by jazi 5

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, But If I Did Believe It Was Butter, Here's How I Did It Butter.

What do you think about that one ?

2006-11-21 15:55:25 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

2006-11-21 15:44:39 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

vuja de-the feeling that none of this has happened

2006-11-21 15:30:23 · 5 answers · asked by gannibus 2

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When cheese gets its picture taken, does it say 'me'?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is Naive?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why does a 'slight tax increase' cost you $200 and a 'substantial tax cut' save you 30 cents?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

If the sky is the limit, then what is space?

Why is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us a bill?

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

What's the opposite of opposite?

WEIRD LANGUAGE
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes and from Finland Fines?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Why is it that you drive on the parkway, and park on the driveway?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called "rush hour"?

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why do people say "The alarm just went off" when really it just came on?

2006-11-21 15:19:06 · 14 answers · asked by looneytoon783 1

Ever since I was recently abducted by aliens my hair is falling out in clumps. I am very attached to my hair. I'm not asking how to fix my hair, I am asking how to get even. i was thinking about launching an interstellar attack on the aliens who abducted me and caused my hair to fall out. Anyone want to join? I will provide all firearms and ships. Please rsvp asap.

2006-11-21 15:14:12 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

My last joke untill tommorow! (It's midnight here geeze)

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages

2006-11-21 15:05:19 · 7 answers · asked by Orion M 3

Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?

2006-11-21 15:04:33 · 13 answers · asked by mellow_mellie 2

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."

2006-11-21 15:02:36 · 8 answers · asked by Orion M 3

Do they have a 4th of July in England?

2006-11-21 15:02:21 · 7 answers · asked by mellow_mellie 2

when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me kiss you for fifty pence?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper. A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me kiss you for a thousand pounds?"
After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me kiss you for five pounds?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"

2006-11-21 14:56:55 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny was heard by his mother reciting his homework: "Two plus two, the son of a ***** is four; four plus four, the son of a ***** is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a *****...'"


"Johnny !" shouted his mother. "Watch your language! You're not allowed to use the swearwords." "But, Mom," replied the boy, "that's what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it."


Next day Johnny's mother went right into the classroom to complain. "Oh, heavens !" said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four.' "

2006-11-21 14:53:55 · 12 answers · asked by Orion M 3

Please answer.

2006-11-21 14:51:24 · 3 answers · asked by Sarah the Ballerina 2

Okay there was a plane with 20 people on board it was flying from east germany to west germany in the old days, then all of a sudden they hit terrible turbulance and crashed in no-mans land and the people survived, WHERE DID THEY BURY THE BODIES east or west germany?

Whoever gets it right first gets 10pts

2006-11-21 14:49:19 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

a site with diffrent jokes for each day that are e-mailed to u?

2006-11-21 14:49:04 · 5 answers · asked by Jordan B 1

what is one plus one

lol

2006-11-21 14:47:29 · 24 answers · asked by The brainteaser 5

no details

2006-11-21 14:45:10 · 7 answers · asked by Shark 7

Tall I am young
Short I am old,
while with life do I glow,
your breath is my foe

2006-11-21 14:44:30 · 9 answers · asked by patience v 2

I went into the woods and I got it, sat down to look for it but couldn't find it, so I took it home with me. What am I?

2006-11-21 14:42:58 · 17 answers · asked by mellow_mellie 2

2006-11-21 14:42:27 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-21 14:40:34 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am now stranded in a jungle like terrain and have no idea where I am. I killed 2 locals for food, but I'm not hungry yet so I'm worried the lions will come for the bodies. Also I've been using an elephant for transportation, but now he's looking at me like he's gonna stomp my head. My cell phone doesn't work, and I've already e-mailed the police, but I don't want my wife to know about the plane, she thinks I am poor. Any suggestions on what I can say as to how I got here? Oh, any help with the elephants and lions would be appreciated as well.

2006-11-21 14:39:46 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

**Twisted Joke** Lmao (Don't hate meh)

A boy and his dad are at the zoo and the son sees two lions having sex. The boy asks his dad, "what are they doing daddy" and the dad replies, "They’re baking a cake son".

Later that day the boy and his mother are walking in the park. The boy see's two dogs having sex the boy asks his mom, "What are they doing". The mother replies, "Baking a cake".

Later that night the boy walks downstairs and sees his parents having sex, and then goes back upstairs.

The next morning the boy says, "Mom dad, I know what you guys were doing last night, baking a cake and I ate the icing of the couch that you guys had left".

2006-11-21 14:38:48 · 14 answers · asked by Orion M 3

what do they have underneath the table?

2006-11-21 14:38:47 · 9 answers · asked by dreamingsome 2

6 apples, 3 dildos, 18 chickens, 5 gallons of jello, 2 bmws, 44 cucumbers and 2 lesbians, what do you have/could you do with these items? Most creative gets points.

2006-11-21 14:36:10 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Wanted:
A tall, well built woman with good
reputation who can cook forgs
legs, who appreciates a good bon-
sai garden, classical music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1,3 & 5.

2006-11-21 14:34:25 · 18 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dik in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

2006-11-21 14:34:19 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous